12.08.2010

Still Standing

 Another week has gone by, and I can't believe I got through. The only credit I give for that is to all the prayers that have been lifting me up. I can literally feel them sometimes. I usually get to the end of the day and think 'How on earth am I still standing?' Sometimes, I really don't know how.

There are still a million things going on around me. My world is spinning. I can barely remember what day it is, let alone what I'm supposed to be doing in it. A lot of things are changing, possibly including my home, more details to come. I still have a ton of errands to run, loose ends to tie, future to figure out, etc. I have friends in town to help and keep me occupied, which is good.

But my heart still hurts. Tomorrow will mark one month since Jeremy's death and I can't believe it. It feels like just yesterday and yet so much has happened since. If I had known the last kiss goodbye I gave him would be forever, I would have begged him not to go. Or I would have kissed him harder. I almost asked him to come home for a family night since he was gonna go back out hunting in the morning, but I always hated asking him not to go hunting, I didn't want to be that girl. He loved it, and I didn't want to take him away from it or sound like I was nagging. I wish had, just this once.

I find myself staring at the computer a lot most days. Facebook, my blog....like I'm waiting for him to show up somewhere. Or to watch the world go by without actually having to take part in it. I was reading through all my emails from Jer: some for random things, some love notes, others for fun. But when he got his Mac awhile ago, he found these icards that he started to send me. I thought I'd share.






They're hard for me to read, especially the first one, but I can hear his voice when I read them, so I've read them a million times. I can't read them without crying and thinking about all the anniversaries or holidays I'll never celebrate with him, but my hearts swells at how much he loved me. I never deserved it, but I knew that. He was by far the best thing that ever happened to me, and I don't know how to build a future without him. I'm afraid to be alone, but I can't ever imagine sharing a love like that with anyone else. I know it's not something to think about right now, but it terrifies me. How can I ever give my heart out like that to anyone, friends, family, or otherwise, when it can be ripped out from under you at any second?

I'm sorry if this blog has become widow central, but I honestly have nothing else to say. I don't know where else to go. I have nothing else to talk about, write about, or think about. I can't bring myself to change the info on my profile yet, I'm just not ready for this all to be real. I can't admit that the word 'widow' is associated with me now. Widows are supposed to be old ladies who have lived fulfilling lives with their husbands, who have watched their kids grow old with their spouse, who have reached milestones, anniversaries, and traveled together. Not a young mom with a baby on the way. Why now?  The timing just doesn't make sense, and is maybe the most unfair reality of it all. I want to kick and scream that this isn't fair - I wish it would make a difference.

I know love like that doesn't happen to everyone. I definitely knew I was lucky, but if I had known it was only going to be for such a short time, I would have savored it more, valued it more, and soaked up every ounce possible out of it. I wouldn't have taken a moment of it for granted. 

Right now, this is the only real hope and comfort I can find:

You will grieve, but your grief will suddenly turn to wonderful joy when you see me again. You have sorrow now, but I will see you again; then you will rejoice, and no one can rob you of that joy. 
John 16: 20, 22


53 comments:

Melissa Burcham said...

I am continually in awe of you. You are a woman of grace and beauty. I continue to pray daily for you. May His love and comfort rain down on you.

Abby said...

Love you Vee! This blog has not become widows central because you are a bitter person. This is a window into your life, happy and sad. You are using it as an outlet for all the things you have inside and I think its amazing you can do that. Being away it still only feels like yesterday too, so I can't imagine how you stand everyday. You are an amazing woman, take the time and blog space you need to get it out and feel the emotions needed. Think about you many times a day. Love you!!

Amanda said...

Seriously Veronica, you are more than just a widow and you absolutely, 100% deserved Jeremy's love. Thinking about you, your personality and your actions prior to his passing is what defined you. You are a wonderful, nurturing person, you have intense compassion and empathy and you have a creative spark that inspires others. Yes, this tragedy has brought out new feelings, characteristics and needs but it doesn't change the rock star you truly are inside. She is hiding under all the hurt and anguish, but she will come out again someday under her own accord, her own timelines and under her own rulebook.
*Be kind to yourself.*

tiffany said...

Prayer is an amazingly powerful thing - and you my friend are in thousands of prayers per day. God is still good. He loves you more than anything and will carry you through this.

NEVER EVER apologize about what this blog is, has become, will be. This is your blog, you are doing the best you can and that has to be enough. If it's not enough for some people? Well, then they don't deserve to be a part of your life.

You are doing great friend. One breath at a time, one step at a time, one day at a time.

Still praying for you.

Birdie said...

These are so beautiful, the words of your loved one from the heart. I know what those words must mean to you. I do have one little problem with what you posted. You said that you didn't deserve how much he loved you, but that isn't true. Love doesn't work that way. There is no one up in love! You guys were lucky because it's obvious that you had an unusual love. A happy, healthy, true love. Although your loss in unimaginable to me, your love, too, is unimaginable to a whole lot more people. Please don't think you didn't deserve him, you did! What you didn't deserve was to lose him, but life doesn't work that way either :( ((hugs))

Donna said...

Veronica, you don't know me, but I have watched you for awhile in pictures with Kara. You are an amazing person from what I see and hear in your blog posts and the words of others about you. I don't have any words, but want you to know that my heart is with you and I am praying. Donna in WV

My Husband's Watching TV... said...

I can't believe it's already been a month. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and your kiddos. Hugs during this difficult time!

m&msmommy said...

Continuing to pray for you and your children! Your post broke my heart because I can't even begin to imagine 1/1,000,000 of your pain. I am a mother, with two children, and a husband who I love beyond words. I don't know that I would even have the strength to type like you did. YOu are amazing! I am SO sorry for your loss. I will keep praying for you!

Love and prayers,
Christina Gomez

Rebekah said...

It's such a privilege that God allows us glimpses of his love through people on earth. I have learned more about the love of our father through my marriage and our adoption, than any sermon that could be preached on a Sunday morning.

I wouldn't know how to breathe either...

Keep on, girl. And don't apologize for the widow talk. You words are true and raw and challenging. The world needs your message. We ALL need to slow down and savor the moments.

I only wish there was something I could do to bring you comfort.

Anonymous said...

I don't know what else to say except, I LOVE YOU!!! I am here for you through thick and thin, FOREVER!!! I'm so thankful Jer chose you for our family.

Love you Sis,
April

Anonymous said...

hold on to Him...He can't possibly fail you

prayers.

Katy said...

Veronica,
I pray that the verse from John 16 will continue to be a hope and comfort to you. I love you friend!
-- Katy

Brenda said...

My heart breaks for you and your children. I cannot imagine the pain you are in. After reading your blog I realized I need to make some changes in my relationship w/ my husband. Starting today I will cherish the love we share so much more. I will stop fretting over the small things and love so much bigger. I am truly sorry for you loss. i will continue to lift you up in prayer every day.

Jackie said...

You are still standing, as Christ is right there with you....I know that you know that. :) That verse is the perfect promise to hold on to. Praying for you...

Mrs. G said...

Don't even apologize or worry about if people think your blog has become "widow central".. I think you are so strong and if this is what you need to do to "heal" so be it.. I'm so sorry for your loss, and you have been incredibly strong for your babies.. You are in my thoughts and prayers daily..

Emma said...

i am praying for you, praying that the Lords love is so real and tangible in the time of deep sorrow, for His provision in this time to meet all of your needs, and that His healing hands rest upon you continually.

Emma

Stacey said...

You are not alone. There are many young widows out there with kids who have been blindsided by the sudden loss of their husband, the father of their kids, the loss of the future.

You may not be ready but then again you might so I thought I would share some websites for you to explore in case no one else has mentioned them yet.

www.andreareneeremembers.blogspot.com
www.widowsvoice-sslf.blogspot.com
www.roonfam.blogspot.com
www.stillafamily.wordpress.com
www.sslf.org
www.widowsbond.com

My thoughts are always with you.

Heidi said...

God is holding you and your family in the palm of his hand. I will continue to pray for you. You are so much stronger than know.

R said...

I come (late) from the LoveBomb crew... and I am so, so sorry for your loss.

You are currently living my nightmare, as I am the wife of an avid hunter who is also a police officer... we have an almost-two-year old daughter and I can only imagine what you are going through.

My heart breaks for you, and aches for you. I am sending all of the love, hugs, good thoughts & prayers to you, your children, families and friends...

From what I've read on your blog you are amazingly strong, and are made stronger through your husband's love for you. I hope that even in the darkest of times you are able to hear his voice, feel his loving arms around you, and remember the good times... he will always be with you, as God is.

I will be thinking of you in the days and months to come... *HUGS*

Rusti
Lansing, MI

Nancy P said...

Vee,
I am the lost my husband to a tree stand accident also person.
I check your blog everyday as it seems you are the person who understands what I am going thru.
I have finally come to the realization that my man is not coming home. I'm not sure which is worse-waiting to hear him or knowing I never will again. I too am doing the wish I had, if I had recriminations.
I hate the word "widow" too. I refuse to use it.
I do all the things I'm supposed to do to help move forward. What people don't know is my heart and my soul are in the same place as day one.
Does everything just feel heavy? Every footstep is an effort. I find myself having to remember to breath.
I know you have a huge support system as I do but if you ever need to talk to someone in a similar (but not the same)place - I live in Howell.

Brooke said...

Hugs to you. You're in my thoughts.

vickdn said...

Those cards he sent you are so touching. Anyone can tell how much he loved you. Without knowing him, I can see what a great husband and father he is and was. Just know that your story is touching others, touching ME, and helping us to appreciate our loved ones more while they are here. I'll be here following you the whole way as you travel a new journey through life, rooting you on and praying for you every step of the way.

Becky said...

You have been in my thoughts and prayers. I don't think anyone expects you to write about anything else...it's completely understandable that you would be focused on what has happened. That's only natural. (I'm actually amazed at your strength to put the words on the screen as you have). I'm sure writing about it will do a lot to help you. Praying for Him to continue to bring you comfort.

Just a side note: My mother in law is a widow, and she was just telling me the other day about a song she heard that used to just tear her up whenever she heard it, and it's only recently that she can listen to it without getting upset- and she lost her husband sixteen years ago. Her loss (and my husband's loss of his dad- he was 8 when it happened) still doesn't really "make sense" but they are strong people, and have an amazing testimony in spite of their circumstances.

Kara Graves said...

I can't believe it has almost been a month either. I hate that my friend is in the midst of this unfair nightmare. I struggle with why God let this happen, and I know you are too. I think the God we serve is big enough to handle those questions and frustrations but I am frustrated in trying to understand His plan. Know that you are loved and we are continually asking God to protect you and your heart.

Christine said...

of course you deserved his love! Jer seems to have been a real quality guy who would have nothing less than a quality woman by his side. those cards are awesome, I hope you have them safely saved somewhere (some type of external memory) in case something happens to his Mac.

Christine said...

of course you deserved his love! Jer seems to have been a real quality guy who would have nothing less than a quality woman by his side. those cards are awesome, I hope you have them safely saved somewhere (some type of external memory) in case something happens to his Mac.

Kate said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your husband sounds like he was a truly remarkable, unique man.

I am a relatively new reader, but I just wanted to say don't ever apologize for writing about your grief. I don't think your blog can be tagged as "widow central" just yet, even though it might feel that way (understandably). Blogs are outlets... write when you feel like it.

Emily said...

You have nothing to apologize for sweet girl. No one expects you to write, think, or care about anything else. Whether you realize it or not, you are a very strong women!!
I love the love notes. So special, but wow, incredibly tough to read I'm sure.
In church last Sunday I could swear Jer was sitting beside me singing. It's the craziest thing!

What a powerful verse John 16:20,22.

Praying for you, and your sweet babies every day!! Love you!

Tunes & Spoons said...

As I sit here and contemplate words to write to you, I am at somewhat of a loss. I want you to know how much I have thought of you the past few days. I heard about your story through the blog Story of My Life. Every since I read your story, you have been on my mind. I have cried many tears for you and I do not even know you. My name is Rachel and I live in Georgia. I hope that you know that I have said a few prayers for you and your sweet family these past few days. I sure can tell how much your Jeremy loved you through those sweet letters. Thank you for sharing them and for being brave enough to do so. I love you and your family even though I don't know you and my heart breaks for you all now. Keep referring to the scriptures for your strength.

Kolein said...

As I was going about my day today you were on my mind. As I was driving in my car I prayed out loud for you and your sweet children. Just wanted you to know that God keeps putting you in my heart.

Love,
~Kolein

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness...I am lifting you up in prayer constantly even though we don't know one another. I found your blog through Heart Cries. I don't think I have stopped thinking about you since reading a few nights ago. Words cannot express how sorry I am for your loss. I have 4 little ones and so I understand the "mom" thing. I am and will be praying for you. Hang in there. You amaze me!

God Bless you, Vee.
Blessings,
AmyW, Chicago

LittlePaintedPolkaDots said...

Please don't ever apologize for sharing on your blog. I'm sure I'm not alone when I say that I check here often and pray for you many times throughout the day.

Sarah said...

I haven't commented here before, but I just wanted to say that you and your family are in my prayers tonight. There are no words I can give you that could be of any help, but I hope by adding my prayer to those you already feel around you, I can ease your suffering in however minuscule a way I can.

Anonymous said...

I love the postcards. I'm not sure how I stumbled on to your blog, but your words speak to me. The part about not being "that girl" really gave me pause. I am also "not that girl" and I would never have asked him to stay home either. I understand your idea of "if I only did". I want to ask my love to stay home sometimes too but never do. I can't begin to understand what you are going through but wanted you to know that someone is praying for you from really far away...

Teena in CA

Bree said...

Veronica, my heart aches for you and I wish there was something I could do to make things easier for you and your kids. I am praying for you all daily and thinking of you always.

Jen said...

Vee~

I am truly sorry for all you have endured, and will continue to. My heart breaks for you, for your children, for all who lost Jeremy.

I know this sounds kind of morbid, but I hope one day, after we die, and go to heaven that it all comes together, and we have some sort of understanding.

I cannot even, for one moment, imagine what you are going through, but I do know "pain" well.

My then 2.5 year old daughter was struck by a car last year and spent 3 months in the hospital...the first clinging for life.

Sadly, she was left unable to walk, talk, or eat by mouth. The road to recovery has been long, and slow.

I know what it feels like to have your entire world flipped on its head, and not know which way is up. I wish this feeling on no one, and was so incredibly sad to hear of it happening to you.

Please know that I have been keeping you and your family close in thought and prayer.

With Love,

Jen

Amber Smitherman said...

My cousin recently lost his 12 year old son in a hunting accident a little over a month ago. At the funeral, the pastor said something that really stuck with me. He said "Don't say 'what if', instead say 'what now'." Don't allow satan to make you questions God's perfect plan. Don't long for the past, or worry about the future. Take one day at a time doing the best you can with what God has given you today.
All of the pieces of the puzzle won't fit as long as we are here on earth. I believe we will receive all of the answers once we get to heaven. I have been praying for you. May God send you peace like rain.

Anonymous said...

Vee,
You don't know me but I'm a stranger/friend who's heart just breaks for you & your family. I can relate in a way because my Dad died while he was hunting when I was a kid. I hope you can take comfort knowing that you lost your precious Jer but he was happy doing somthing he loved to do. My mom and I have taken comfort in that thought about my dad over the years. Stay strong & know that you will see your husband in the eyes of your beautiful babies always.

Take Care & God bless...
Jody in NJ

rsobering said...

I am so incredibly sorry that you and your children are going through this....keeping you lifted in prayer.

Jess said...

I am so incredibly sorry for you and your family. I'm not even sure that's appropriate to say because it doesn't change a thing. I just want you to know that You are in my thoughts and prayers. Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.

Nakamuras on Saipan said...

Hi Vee,

You don't know me, but I am one of those that has been praying for you-from half-way around the world. One thing I can say is...I am so glad you have faith in the Lord. Because when you have this....there is hope-real honest to goodness hope. Not just "wishing". You will see your beloved again some day and I am just so happy you will. Your words wrench my heart. I love my own husband so terribly much...and sometimes I think about what life will be like someday for me-should he "go first". Our glorious destiny in Christ- what a tremendous gift. A light in the darkness. A compass when we are lost....God Bless you sister. Hugs from across the ocean.

Valerie said...

Dear Veronica,

You are so amazing! All you can do is get through each day and share your beautiful spirit with those around you which includes those of us who are with you, if only in spirit, each day. You will continue to have a gamut of emotions and rightfully so. Don't ever be hard on yourself or deny yourself being angry, sad, pained. No one could or would expect anything different in this terrible situation. I'm very happy that you can feel the love and prayers lifting you up until you are able to lift yourself up once again. Hold on to all that gives you strength. Know that you remain in the thoughts and prayers of people too numerous to count.

Love and prayers.

Val

Vicki said...

XOXO...

FYI- He's still teaching Chris how to be a better husband by you sharing posts like these. :)

-vicki

Emily {Frilly Details} said...

I have tears in my eyes after reading this. I'm am so so so sorry you have to go through this. I will make it a point to lift you up in prayer tonight and in the coming days.

Emily

Karen Peterson said...

I know they're hard to read, but it's so great that you have these cards as something from him to hold onto.

Katie said...

Vee - I just found your blog. I sent you an e-mail, but I also wanted to say here how sorry I am for your loss. Those words are inadequate and I know it, but simply know that a stranger is praying for you and your family.

Miranda said...

I don't know how anyone does it, but they do, and so will you. Easier said than done, sure, but some day it will happen. You will have to be even more to your children than you were before, and that is a hard burdon to bear... But just seeing small glimpses of you on your blog, I know you can do it. Love to you and your family. Miranda in Ohio

Kristen Ramirez said...

Veronica,

I haven't commented much here or on FB, but I follow almost everything you write. I'm absolutely in awe of you and the family that you and Jeremy built and my heart breaks for you every day. Don't for one second feel bad for what you write on your blog. This space is for you and your thoughts. I'm sure all you can think about is Jeremy right now, and understandably so. Don't ever apologize for speaking his sweet name or talking about your hurt. Your blog will likely serve as an outlet for you and will help you heal. I know it's difficult to even think about how you will heal, but with time you will. This blog will always be there for you to reflect back on, to see how far you've come. I'd encourage you to keep writing, keep spreading Jeremy's legacy. You have the ability to tell the world about Jeremy which, as you know, is an awesome story to tell. What has happened to you and your precious children is beyond fathomable and the farthest distance from fair that there is. It is something you will probably never understand - as much grief of this magnitude isn't explainable. As many have probably encouraged, take each day, hour, second, one at a time.

My prayer for you is that the people around you will continually see ways in which to help you, because I'm sure you don't even know what to ask for yet. I also pray for your peace and healing as time goes on. I can tell you that it does get easier as time passes, but that doesn't mean it makes it easy or desirable.

You are continually in my thoughts and prayers.

Best to you,
Kristen (Alderson) Ramirez

Rona's Home Page said...

Your honest expression of lost and the love you have for your husband is not lost on us.
I'm sure you've even helped someone out there with their lost and grief.

angie on maui said...

Just wanted you to know that even though we have never met, I am continuing to keep you in my prayers, asking God to grant you strength and peace. xo.

Alyssa said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. Your family will be in my prayers. God will keep you strong.

erynn said...

You don't know how you made it through another week, month, year but you will just do it. Your babies keep you going and you have to be there, be strong for them. It's hard to read your posts because I can relate SO much.. so much that is brings me back to that moment when I felt that way. People say it gets easier and I don't think "easier" is the right word. It's different. You have to learn how to live all over again. How to be a single mom, a window, a daddy and so much more. It's only going to take time to get used to being all these things. Don't be one ounce sorry that your blog has become about your loss, that's what it's for. Paying for you always!

Jenni said...

You are absolutely still in my prayers... I have shared your story with a few others, so that they may pray as well. Be strong... In his perfect timing, God will reveal his purpose in all this.

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