12.28.2010

Dreaming of you


Last night was a rough night.
I laid in bed frustrated, wide awake, crying over the fact that I survived this week without my love. I didn't want to.
Praying for my 4-day-old niece who is not doing well. 

And wondering why. Questioning everything I used to know to be true. It just doesn't fit with my life now. I don't understand why Jer's family can't catch a break right now.

When I finally decided to try and give up to sleep, I rolled over to hear my sweet Faith gagging. I put my hand on her face, only to catch her vomit. So, for the next 3-4 hours, we were up, back-and-forth from the bathroom. My little princess is actually very sweet when she's sick, like she tries to make me feel better. She doesn't want to scare me or something. But I couldn't sleep cause every time she stirred, I shot up to make sure she was okay.

She finally fell asleep around 5am or so. I tried to redirect my thoughts to a new house and decorating things I want to do when I move, but the afterthought was always 'who really cares when Jer isn't here to enjoy it with me?'  Losing him has sucked the joy out of literally everything.

When I finally dozed off, I met Jeremy in my dreams. I had been waiting for him for 49 days now, hoping he'd show up and offer me some subconscious comfort, tell me it's going to be okay.

But no. In true Jeremy fashion, he showed up with a big smile on his face, laughing at me after my nephew had peed all over me. Oh, but it was good to hear his laugh, I've missed it so much. It was the kind of laugh that made his face go red, and I can't help but join in.

Then almost as quick as he entered, he left again. I jumped in the shower to clean up and asked someone to hand me Faith, so I could clean her up as well. Everyone in Jer's family looked around at each other, then at Jeremy, and he shrugged sadly and said "I'm sorry, I know I'm normally the one who would do that." I saw agony in his eyes.

Tears welled up in my eyes, he was gone and I was awake. I tried so hard to close my eyes and find him again, but I couldn't. So I just laid there in misery. Thankful that I got to see his face, his smile, but aching knowing I never get to really see it again. 

I know he was wanting to help, and couldn't. I know he would never leave me alone to fend for myself. My anger is never aimed at him, my sweet love. I know he would have never left me or his babies. It was like a precursor to the biggest nightmare I have yet to face: having his baby without him. I know he wouldn't have missed it for anything in the world, he never even missed a single prenatal visit I've ever had. And yet, I picture him standing in the distance, sadly shrugging in agony, wanting to help.

I hate waking up to a reality that is worse than a nightmare. 


20 comments:

Nicole said...

I'm so sorry, Vee. I'm just so sorry.

Donna said...

You are so very brave. I can't imagine where you are. Praying God's peace will find you again.

m&msmommy said...

Continuing to pray every night for you and your family! I'm so sorry! I know my words can not do anything, but please know that complete strangers are praying for you.

My Husband's Watching TV... said...

Oh Vee, how exciting you got to see him and hear him laugh but such a bummer that it was only in your dreams. I hope Grace gets to feeling better and I'm so glad you survived the holidays. Praying for you every night.

Mommy's Sippy Cup said...

Sweetie, I am so sorry for your loss. I wish there was something I could say, but my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

MandyMy said...

I hope your baby girl is feeling better. I'm glad you got to see Jeremy in your dream. I love having my Dan dreams, it's always hard waking up though. Hang in there love, do your best to keep your head above water. Hugs and love!!

Jezzebelle said...

Vee, You amaze me. Your devotion to your family... You a a great woman. I pray for you and your children every night. I hope God brings you peace. I cant imagine i'd survive what you have been through. You are a huge inspiration.

Your Love Will Find You Again, not in this life...but the next <3
Keep your head up, were all here for you!

Anonymous said...

Hang in there... and many prayers for your family and your new niece...

Jeremy IS watching over you, every minute of everyday...

Maya's Musings said...

I don't know you, but my heart hurts for you. Every time I read your blog, the tears flow because it is so real. It could happen to any of us and just the thought hurts. I cannot imagine your reality and I am so sorry this happened to you. I know there are no words that I could possibly say that would make it better, but please know that I am praying for you.

Daisygirl said...

I don't know how you get through something like this. I don't know how you wake up every day and move. You are amazing and everyday you do wake up Jeremy is there with you.

Thinking about you!

Karen Peterson said...

I never know what to say here. But I am thinking of you and your family and I'm glad to know you're surrounded by good people who love you and are there for you.

Lacey said...

Dreams are always bittersweet... It's so frustrating when you wake up and you realize that he was just there, but now you can't reach him again. I know what it's like to have every thought be followed by the the gut wrenching afterthought of "who cares if he's not here." Even when you want to care it feels false. I know Jeremy wants to help you Just as bad as El probably wants to help me. They are just going to have to do it in a different way than we are accustomed to.

Zookeeper Jess said...

Every time I read a post I cry. I am in tears for you. My heart breaks for you because I try to imagine losing my husband and being in your shoes and I literally just break down. It's only a fear for me and you are living it. It is your reality. I'm so sad for you. So sad. I wish there was something someone could do for you but I know nothing would ever fix this. I'm so so sorry. So sorry.

Brooke said...

This post has me in tears, more than any other I've read here on your blog. I'm so sad for you having to wake up to this reality. You will find strength to do all the things he would normally do, and he will smile in his pride.

angie on maui said...

This is so beautiful and so tragic all at once. I am so sorry, Vee. Thinking of you and sending you love, sweet girl.

sherene said...

Hang in there, don't give up..I'm so sorry my words won't ease the pain, but I'm praying for you..

Katie W. said...

You are so strong and you will make it through this. It's crappy and I wish you weren't walking this path right now but just know that you have lots of people thinking about you and praying for you.

Your kids will be your saving grace. They are what will pull you through.

One day things will seem just a bit easier. The next day, even easier. Just take it one day at a time.
Again, I am so sorry for your loss.
~Katie

EcoMama said...

I have been following your heartbreaking blog since your husband's death. I am so sorry you are suffering through this. My family just went through a trauma right before Christmas, and I have had to remind myself over and over again that God didn't do this. He allowed evil to happen, darkness to hurt. He did it so that in the end we might look to Him and realize His glory and praise Him. So that one day we might all be glorified.

But it still aches so terribly today, right now. I am praying for strength for each of your days, comfort from the insane storm you're riding in. Much love, dear, I wish I could hug you and take this pain away.

deardarl said...

Hugs honey. So sorry to have to meet you in this living hell.....

vickdn said...

Your words are so touching. So real. So scary. I am so sorry you are going through this hellish nightmare that is your reality right now. That has got to be the hardest thing. I just can't even imagine. I never really know what to write but I just want you to know that I am always following your journey, reading every post you write, hoping your life gets easier and happier. You are so strong.

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