I've come to realize that everyone who loses a loved one so close has moments like these:
One step forward, two steps back.
I've been trying to figure out why everyone thinks I exude such strength in this whole process. Most of the time I feel so weak and wonder how people can think I'm strong when I barely want to live through the day. I know God can use the weak to lead the strong, and just had to trust that God is using me in my weakness when I'm not even aware.
But I've also realized that it's the facade I create. The only time I really truly feel like I can grieve is when I'm alone, and I'm not often. I love all the incredible people around me, and I know any of them would cry with me if I needed them to, but it's not my personality - I've always had anxiety about crying in public and I know somewhere deep down I feel like I need to be strong for others. It's not their fault, it's just the way I'm wired and no matter how much I want to cry, I usually swallow it down.
I've also had a lot to keep me distracted since Jeremy passed away. The last four months have been absolute craziness, so much happening between funerals, tying loose ends, holidays, birthdays, births and events, I've barely had time to just take everything in. Now that I've survived giving birth to our son, I should have expected reality to seep in.
I'm definitely enjoying my time with my new little man, but I've been given a fresh dose of reality and another dose of postpartum hormones - which is not a good combination for my emotions. I've just been very weepy and the fact that Jeremy really is gone keeps popping up in my head. Like the annoying kid in class who sits in the front row, jumps up and down with his hand raised shouting "pick me! pick me!" - I want to ignore it, but it's right there in my face: My love is gone forever. Even writing it out now physically hurts and brings me to tears.
So, that's how I'm feeling now: Like I took a step forward surviving so much, and now, taking two steps back experiencing the gut-wrenching daily reality of the agony that comes with losing a life. Especially when the life felt like half of mine. I feel like I'm walking around half-dead. Just wish there was something I could do to ease this pain a little, just for a moment.