9.26.2012

"Read, Daddy"

Jeremy in the sailor suit, and his other mini-me, Carter bearing the same sweet features.

Now the school is in full swing and we've kinda (and I use that term loosely) got a routine going, I've been able to spend a lot of one-on-one time with my man cub. I haven't had just one child with me in over 5 years! It's been nice to just play with him, talk to him, and watch him grow. His life thus far seems to have gone by in the blink of an eye and I know I was checked out for the first part of it. I feel like I've missed a lot.

Spending more time with him has made me face a lot of grief associated with his life, though. Watching him learn new things and knowing that Jeremy will never get to see him grow. The ache that comes with the understanding that Jeremy never got to hold his son. Thinking about the day he was born never ceases to make me emotional. Sometimes I think that day was harder in some ways than the day Jeremy died. We talk about 'daddy' all the time - he associates my necklace with Jer, the pics of him around the house, the tattoo on my arm, even the Toronto Maple Leafs logo he recognizes with his daddy. It's so incredibly bittersweet.

Last week, I sat down and showed Carter the video I have of Jeremy reading "Barnyard Dance" to Faith and Caleb. He was mesmerized. And I was full of tears and smiles. We went about our day and week until the other day, Carter was pointing to the table throwing a fit because I couldn't understand what he was wanting. When I finally figured out that he was pointing to my computer and saying "read Daddy, read Daddy" I burst into tears. 

He remembered.

Not only did he remember, he wanted more. More of his daddy. He wanted more of this presence he hears referred to all the time but hasn't met him or touched him yet. To hear his voice, see his face, and see him snuggle up against his big brother and sister made an impact on that little 19-month-old heart. He watched it again and again. 

For all the times I worry that Carter may not understand or I might share enough....I realize that Jeremy really is a presence in our hearts and in our lives. And he's in the heart and life of a little man cub who's never met him face to face, but who lives out his legacy as the spitting image of his daddy. 


10 comments:

Wanda said...

What a sweet blessing!

Rhonda MacDonald Stopes said...

You are an amazing lady Veronica....xoxoxo Big Hugz!!!

Anonymous said...

Such a beautiful post. You have a way with words. I think of you often. You have touched me in ways you will never know. I don't take my kids or husband for granted now.
I wish nothing but the best for you.

kkhk12 said...

Beautiful! :)

kkhk12 said...

So beautiful! He is so sweet!

Anonymous said...

Wow! I don't think I have ever seen a child look SO much like a parent than your man cub to his Father! What a sweet blessing that he will be raised by such an amazing Dad as Steve, who will honor and teach him about his earthy Father! So blessed is your man Cub!
Cari

Jennifer said...

that is so so sweet! Being a widow is hard...especially when we have young children and it's our top priority to make sure that they always know and remember their daddy!

Paloma said...

...I'm crying...

Anne said...

Hi Vee. I was wondering about your tattoo that you mentioned. What does it look like? I'm fairly new to your blog, so if you've written about it before, I missed it. Did you get it before or after Jer died?

Missy said...

He really is the spitting image.

I love how hard you work to preserve Jeremy's legacy. I've never met him, but I know he's awesome because of you.

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