Missin' my Valentine

Our 5 year anniversary

To my Valentine:

I, in my naivety, never really understood how painful Valentine's Day could be for so many people. I mean, I used to be one of those 'I hate Valentine's Day because I'm single' people long ago, but always looked forward to the day when I could share it with someone.

I realized today that you're the only person I've ever actually celebrated Valentine's Day with.

I was also one of those people who annoyed the rest of the world with my love for the hallmark holiday once I had a reason to celebrate it. Do you remember our first Valentine's Day? I spent a week prior in my dorm room cutting out hundreds of hearts and writing different reasons why I loved you on half of them. You had saved my life, and I couldn't wait for the opportunity to celebrate and share my love and appreciation for you. And you were so sweet, not really knowing how to be overly romantic, locked yourself in your room for the day and wrote a song for me on your guitar and sang it to me that night. You were so nervous to sing it to me, it was the cutest thing. That's the only time I got to hear it, you never did record it. But it's burned into my heart.

Every year since then, I've found a way to use those hearts on Valentines Day. I kept them in an envelope and every year, I'd add new reasons why I love you on the empty hearts. I remember one year, when we lived in the town house, I got up at like 4:30am, drove to Meijer to buy a bunch of balloons and stuff to make you breakfast and new lingerie (the only time I think I've ever purchased any for myself btw), and made a trail from our bed all the way downstairs to the kitchen with the hearts. Other years, I'd have them just spread out all over our room with candles lit to set the mood. Hey, I knew it was cheesy, but it was cheap. And it was all we needed. The last two years or so, we didn't do much to celebrate because we had no money, so we'd inevitably end up snuggled on the couch together watching Friends while the kids slept. And it was just as romantic because that was my favorite place to be.

And now I have to endure my first Valentine's Day with a completely broken heart. I thought I'd had a broken heart before but I would endure that any day of the week over this pain. And it's not the day that matters. I will likely avoid Facebook and all the mushy stuff everywhere, even though I used to contribute - it's just too hard to face still. It bugs me that people still get to celebrate with their loved ones, just as much as it bugs me when people bicker about their loved ones or don't appreciate what they have. I hate that I had to lose you to make other people realize how good they have it.

This year for Valentine's Day, I know that there would be many more reasons I love you to add to my hearts:

I love the way you love me pregnant.

I love how hard you work for our family.

I love watching your passion in music grow.

I love watching you lead worship - it's the sweetest and sexiest thing ever.

I love how you love our children, they couldn't ask for a better daddy.

I love how you take care of me and the kids. Our rock and protector.

I know they're present tense, I can't face the past tense yet - and I know it's what I would say to you this year. Even though we've had ups and downs in our relationships, I'm so thankful that I can't remember a fight we've ever had that lasted through the end of the day. I'm thankful for the marriage we shared, I don't know that I could ever find that again, or would ever want to. I knew when I found you that God had meant you for me, and I feel so broken and hurt that it got ripped out from under me. 

I'm still in so much pain, baby. Now that I have nothing else to focus on surviving, I find myself lost in misery and having to face a reality I never signed up for. I still don't understand why this is happening. Even if I didn't deserve you, I know our precious children did and they just shouldn't have to learn at such a young age how horrible life can really get. 

I don't want a pity party on Valentine's Day. I don't want to ruin everyone else's day. I just want you back. I just want to lay in your arms, feel you breathe, feel comforted for just a moment, I'm starting to forget the feeling. I miss you, I ache for you every day. 

I. Hate. This.

I am now the "I hate Valentine's Day because it's a reminder of everything I've lost and the love I no longer get to have" girl. I don't want to be this girl, she's so very sad and pitiful.

I miss you more than I could ever convey in words. I wish there were more ways to say it so it's strength wasn't lost in how often I say it, but I miss you. With everything I have, I miss you. With everything I know, I miss you. With everything I am, I miss you.

I love you, Valentine.