Merry Christmas

I am missing you bad today babe. I laughed histerically when I randomly remembered your crazy thrust dance you did in your boxer shorts and your 'seduction' face you use to make...and right after the laugh came incredible heartache. I could see you so clearly in my head, you felt so close for a second. It's been happening a lot lately....it struck me that it's been 2 years since I've celebrated a Christmas with you - that cannot be right and it's sickening to think about. I had gotten to the point where my memories didn't hurt and I could smile thinking about you. But not today.

Your beautiful niece turned 1 today. I wish you could have met her, she is a miracle and absolute sweetness, but I know you've been watching over her this year. I can't wait to hug her for you in a few days.

Realizing that tomorrow we'll have two gaping holes in our Christmas left by you and my brother is horrifying. I don't understand why it happened this way. All I can say is that unlike last year, I am relived to begin a new year. I am relived to get out of 2011, the most life-changing year of my life. I'm ready to just face something new, something other than constant grief and tears. I'm ready to find joy.

I love you baby, forever and always. I miss you more than anything.
Merry Christmas, my love.