I feel that time coming on.
The weeks leading up to Jeremy's death.
The march.
It feels corny to call it that, and I have to admit I've been resisting it. Because truthfully, I have no reason to complain. Life is good. I have an incredible family, a wonderful loving husband, a beautiful home, and great friends.
But, I feel the hole that can never be filled.
I didn't really realize what it was at first because I was trying to focus on being thankful. But I felt sluggish, tired, emotional about everything, unmotivated....not really wanting to participate in life right now. But the more Steve and I talked through it, the easier I recognized it as grief rearing its ugly head. It makes sense because I held on to all those days before Jeremy died - trying to remember every detail and holding on to every piece. I remember my last October with him. And now, I feel him closer than usual from remembering all those little details I've locked into my heart to never forget.
The distinctly annoying characteristic about grief is that it's always in season. No matter how much I want it to go away, it never goes out of style. There may be days, weeks, or even months when it's more obvious than others but it never really disappears. It follows me around to creep up on me at any given moment.
In the bedtime stories that I remember him reading to the kids.
In a silly chord progression in a hymn at church that he loved to sing.
In the smell of fall.
In the talk of applesauce that Caleb wants to bring as a snack to school.
In a situation where I need his particular advice.
In a photo of Tom Hardy that a friend posted on his FB page that looks eerily like him.
I can't escape it. I stopped trying to. I've learned to embrace, yes embrace, this time and soak up the moments when Jeremy feels close to me. Even if it's painful.
2 comments:
I never have any words to say... and if I say anything it wouldn't make it any better... but even when I never hear from you or even know if you read my comments... my prayers are with you ... Big Hugs!
Oh Vee...honey, you are so right when you say it's always in season, and you cannot escape it.
I can relate to what you are saying. And for me, for some reason, it's not the anniversary date of our daughter's tragic accident, but her birthday, which for many reasons is by far the worst day of the year.
No matter how I try to forget, avoid, count my blessings, even put other fun things in place because I know it's coming...it eventually always finds its way, always makes itself comfortable and stays awhile...whether I like it or not.
And you are exactly right, the grief monster eventually demands embracing, and we....after being whittled down to absolutely nothing, must finally succumb. Oh grief (notice I didn't say good grief ; )...you're sick and demented! You eventually always get your way, even when I'm going down kicking and screaming, and so wanting it my way!
He always seems to come out on top. And while he's all cozy in our begrudgingly wrapped arms, I know, that we both know, that even though it feels awful...in the long run, it's what's best for us...for our healing.
I am so thankful you have all of the other things in place in order to go through this; a good attitude, a healthy mind to decipher between what's what, a great family, Steve, your kids, and all else.
But still...even with ~
I will be keeping you close as you march on. For me, I get through these various treks, but gosh...I also know the everlasting scars they leave behind on my already wounded and fragile heart.
My love to you Vee,
Jen
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