This is it

This is really gonna happen.

I'm gonna have a baby alone, without the one who helped me make him. Without my rock, without my support. I know other people will be around to support me, and I'm thankful, but it's not the same.

It will never be the same.

I feel like if I can just get through tomorrow, it'll be ok. Everything is painful anyway, and I know watching Carter grow and reach milestones without his Daddy there to witness will be hard, but this hurdle seems like the biggest to survive: bringing a life we created into the world alone. That's not how it's meant to be.

I've not shared this story with many people as to not misconstrue my love and desire for Carter, but it makes a lot of this make sense (not that any of this really makes any sense):

I was done having kids after two. But Jeremy was never quite sure he wanted to be done yet. After we found out my sister-in-law was pregnant with her fourth, and me thinking she was crazy, it really sunk in how selfish I was. On the drive home from Canada one night, I lost it. I felt this heavy weight on my heart knowing that I didn't want any more kids because it would be inconvenient for my life. Jeremy and I spent the entire 4 hour trip talking about it, crying about it, praying about it. We decided we'd see how things went, and leave it in God's hand.

We tried once.

The next morning, I decided that if I wasn't pregnant, I didn't want to keep trying to get pregnant. If I was, great, but I was really content with our sweet little family of 4. But, deep down I knew I was pregnant (we discovered it was my most fertile day of the month). And even just the possibility of it scared me a little, but knowing Jer was by my side made it worth it, and made me excited to have another child with him. We made a pretty great team.

I waited on pins and needles to take a pregnancy test. I took it a few days early, in fact. I picked one up on my way out to see Jeremy one morning at work. Our tradition was always that I'd take the test, he'd read the results. I stopped at the college, peed on a stick in the gymnasium bathroom, and brought it out for him to read...while my heart was pounding out of my chest.

I wish I could describe the look on his face when he read it. I haven't been able to get it out of my head. His eyes wide, his smile crooked and growing wider, he said "We're gonna have a another baby."

I instantly burst into tears.

Jer lovingly reassured me that everything was gonna be ok. But they weren't tears of sadness. I was never sad, just overwhelmed. I cried because of Jeremy's excitement. I cried because of my own excitement. I cried because I was scared but so looking forward to walking this journey again with him. He was pretty good about treating me like a princess, but it was so magnified when I was carrying his child, and I was selfishly looking forward to him doting on me again. He loved me pregnant.

Jer used to tell me I was crazy for saying that labor was my favorite part of pregnancy. But, it was. It's intimidating, and extremely painful, but it was the most incredible experience we'd ever shared together, and nothing has ever brought us closer. Bonding with him in that way is one of my most cherished memories.

Jeremy was a man's man. Rough and tough hunter and fisher, smelly, inappropriate, and very stubborn....but inside he was just a big teddy bear. And that never showed more than when I was bearing his children. He was always so nervous about labor because he worried so much about me (I had some close calls with both deliveries), but I never worried. It's hard to explain, but I waited 9 months to share that day with him.

And now, looking back, it just infuriates me. That one night of uncharacteristic vulnerability where I decided to give up all control to God now almost feels like a slap in the face. I trusted you, and this is what happens? You allow me to conceive knowing I would have to raise this child alone? Why do I have to trade one life for another?


Don't misunderstand, I love Carter unconditionally already. I can't wait to hold him in my arms and I know that my greatest responsibility in life is to care for innocent lives that Jeremy created with me. And I am honored to be the mother of his children. However, in hindsight, knowing I'd have to do this alone, I wouldn't have even considered it. I did it because of Jeremy, even for him. And I can share this because I think it's safe to say that no one would voluntarily choose to raise three kids alone.

And now, thinking about labor has the complete opposite effect on me. I already feel so lonely, and I'm terrified to get through this. I'm angry that I won't be able to see Jeremy's face when Carter arrives. I'm heartbroken that I can't hold his hand and feel his excitement, to watch that look of awe in his eyes when he lays them on his son. I feel resentful that Carter will never get to share that bond with his Daddy, never have even the smallest memory of him. On my own, I am such a bad representation of what we were together. And I feel like my kids are getting cheated out of that, especially Carter. My heart hurts for him already.

My body is so ready to be done with this. And I'm ready to see my little man. I've never been so ready and yet so unprepared for anything in my life.

Please continue to pray that redemption will be found tomorrow, even in the slightest way, for this bittersweet day. That love will be in abundance, and strength will be provided.

And pray, please pray, that Jeremy will meet us there.