(not so) ordinary life

My favorite picture of Jeremy with our precious first born

And so the countdown begins...

In 56 hours or less (not that I'm counting or anything), I will be holding a new little life in my arms. One small person I helped create. One tiny little reminder of what life is really all about.

My sweet little baby boy has no idea what his life represents already in this world. In a place that can be so cold, sometimes stabbing, unfair, and down right hopeless...my little miracle is a reminder that life can and will go on, and that it can and will be beautiful again.

This afternoon, I was watching my 7 year old concentrate so hard on her homework, trying to write sentences. As I watched her expressions, the curves of her face, the movements of her body, I was in awe of the fact that she used to be this 6 pound little miracle that introduced me to motherhood. I felt her daddy beam with pride at her inside me and I just couldn't stop taking her in. Memorizing all the pieces that are just her - how did she all of a sudden evolve into this beautiful young lady?! I had several of these moments today with all of my children. Maybe it's hormones, or maybe it's the clock ticking away reminding me that once again I will hold a new baby and blink an eye and he'll be 7 years old....but whatever it is, I'm trying to hold on to as many moments as I can.

I continue to be reminded of what bittersweet really means. The life of a widow seems to be plagued with this word. But maybe it's the bitter that makes us appreciate the sweet. And maybe we can only experience real bitterness because we've tasted sweet. 

One of my favorite quotes is "time stands still best in moments that look suspiciously like ordinary life." This epitomizes my journey. The moments that I remember and hold most dear in life really aren't the grand ones (although those are great too) but they're the ones where life stands still for just a moment and I'm able to observe and appreciate what life still brings.

I honestly cannot wait to start memorizing all the details of my son's features, hold his tiny hand, and soak in every moment I can before they slip away.  I'm excited to watch my used-to-be-broken family put one more piece back together. 

I'm ready to live out the rest of this not so ordinary life.

Ready. For now.

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After hitting the 3 year mark on Saturday, I feel like a heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Grief never really leaves, but I think the experience alone in a new place, along with the fear that I might have the baby before I got to properly grieve and get through the week left me scared and hurting in new and different ways. But, like always - and sometimes without my consent - I survived.

I watched most of my friends and family grieve from afar, over facebook. I watched some people forget. I watched my kids write sweet notes and hand prints on lanterns and their faces lit up when we let them off in the sky. I watched the clock, remembering every moment of the day 3 years before. I watched my phone, looking for the names of people I care about to pop up. Some did, some didn't. And I watched for signs that somehow, somewhere, someone made a mistake and after three years, this wasn't still real.

Now, I feel ready to go back to facing the life that Jeremy wanted for me. I know I'll have plenty more days like last week, when the weight of everything seems too much, but for now, I have some clarity. I have contentment. I have the desire to make him proud and love the way he taught me how. I feel this urgency to not waste the short life I had with him and to continue to love and appreciate what I have now. I was gifted with another reminder of how short life is....and to see that as a 'gift' is no small feat. I can feel a piece of Jeremy's heart beating through mine and through the hearts of the 3 little miracles we created together. And I see more pieces in his sweet family that means the world to me. I will hold on to those pieces and take them with me along the way.

I'm ready. For now. Ready to face another day, ready to live, laugh, and love. And most importantly, right now....I'm ready to have this baby!

When words are not enough

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This Saturday marks 3 years since Jeremy took his last breath.

How can that possibly be?

Every year, I am in awe of how crazy it seems that so much time has passed, and yet how far away it seems when so much life has been lived in between. I have truly experienced more in the past 3 years than most people do in a lifetime. Since Jer died, I've bought 2 houses, purchased a new vehicle, traveled all over the country, lost and gained friends, dated and remarried, blended a large family, moved out of state, had a baby without his daddy, and am preparing to have another child with another man. Surely these things couldn't possibly describe MY life...

And yet, no matter how much life has been lived since I've seen Jeremy, the weight of the hole he has left in my life is still so evident, and still a very painful reality I face daily. The last several weeks have been especially hard for me. Part of it is because I now grieve so far away from his family and friends, far away from the life I shared with him, and far away from where I can feel his presence. I feel so far removed. I ache to hold on to pieces of him during this season. Part of it also is from the fact that the closer I get to delivering, the more terrified I feel. Pregnancy hormones alone could do me in, but the sleepless nights remembering a piece of my grief that I never thought I'd have to face again is sometimes too much. My anxiety level is high, to say the least.

I was texting with a friend this weekend just about how crazy it is that it's already been 3 years. And I realized how much I ached just to talk to someone about it. To let it out. To have someone actually ask me. She had no idea how much that filled my heart up. I confessed that it's been hard to feel like I have no outlet lately. She asked me if writing was no longer an outlet. I had to think about that for a minute....

Writing has always been my way of expressing emotion. Words are my ally and my weapon of choice. They help me sort through my own head when things don't make sense. And being able to write about my grief journey has brought me more healing than I could have ever imagined. But I found myself at a crossroads of guilt. Guilt for feeling like I couldn't talk about the depths of my pain without somehow sounding ungrateful for the life I have now and the blessings that come with it. And guilt for being too grateful for the life I have now and feeling like people think it means I'm just ok and don't need to talk about Jeremy anymore. I also just don't like feeling like I'm seeking out attention. Writing makes people think they know me and therefore the personal connections are lacking because they think they know where I'm at. They can watch from a distance.

The truth is that words sometimes are not enough. Most of the time, I really don't have much NEW to say. I've run out of ways to express how much I miss Jeremy, how much my heart longs for him, how hard it is to watch my kids grow up without knowing him.......it really never changes, just evolves. I want to scream from the top of my lungs just how much grief sucks still sometimes. I want the world to know what an incredible husband I have now, and that how deeply I cherish him has no impact on the amount of grief I have and will continue to carry through the rest of this life. I wish I could find the right words....words that connect with everyone. But, I can't reach everyone. All I can do is write what I know, what I am living.

I keep going back to an analogy I heard shortly after Jeremy died, I think in a book I read somewhere. It painted a picture of train tracks, one track representing grief and one representing joy: both running side by side on the same path. They both exist together.

This week, I don't have the right words. Just a jumbled mess of emotions that seem to represent my heart these days. My words are not enough. But just remembering to put one foot in front of the other is sometimes all I need to do.

A letter to my little poppy

To my sweet little poppy,

As it stands today, I am 33 1/2 weeks pregnant and this is the first time I've been able to write these words down. They've been navigating my heart and swarming in my brain since the day I found out about you, but I haven't let my fingers get it all out.

You see, the last time I wrote a letter to my unborn child - your soon to be big brother - tragedy struck and paralyzed my heart for a long time. I lost sight of a lot of things and had to navigate my way back to reality one short and difficult breath at a time. But this letter is not about that tragedy. This letter is about the miracle that is YOU. Being afraid of losing you or people that I love couldn't dare stop me from taking the opportunity to express to you my joy and anticipation that you have already brought to this world. I'm just sorry it took me so long.

You, my precious baby boy, represent so much in our family already and you don't even know it! You epitomize redemption, healing, love, and already you have brought our family closer together. Just the idea of your arrival has changed our world. And what an unexpected and beautiful change is has been.

Your daddy and I never intended to have you. Coming together with 5 children seemed crazy enough and our house was already bursting at the seams. But God always seems to have better plans than the ones we create for ourselves. When He put you on our hearts, we knew it would be worth every sleepless night, every corner of space we would lose, every tear, every dirty house day, and every exhausted evening.

It is my prayer that by the time you are old enough to read this letter, you will understand the uniqueness that is our family and learn about the joys and trials that blended our family together, but that you will feel nothing short of unconditional love. Your brain might understand some of the broken pieces that create our family, but your heart will only know of the completeness that was and is the result.

From day one, this pregnancy has been completely different. Nausea like I've never experienced before, weight gain in all the wrong places, aches, pains - it's so funny how I thought I knew what was coming, and you continue to be a surprise! But every time I feel you kick or giggle at your hiccups (which you get ALL the time!) all those things melt away and I soak up every precious moment of you. You are so well loved. Your brothers and sisters are going crazy waiting for you to come out already! They love to read to you, talk to you, kiss you good night, pray for you - you are a very important piece of our family.

Life has been so crazy these last 7 1/2 months, we barely have anything ready for you! But I know it will all come together and you will never know the difference. I also want you to know how excited your daddy is to hold you and rock you to sleep. He is such a blessing in my life and I pray every day that God keeps him safe and in our family for many years to come. He teaches me so much about love, service, humility, hard work, and God - and I pray you grow up to learn the same qualities from watching him. I'm afraid once you get here, he may not put you down for the rest of us to hold!

I can't wait to see what you look like, to see what pieces you posses from each person in our family. I know you will be beautiful. I can't wait to see the look on your daddy's face, and on the faces of your brothers and sisters. And I absolutely cannot wait to watch our family evolve and grow and love because you are in the world.

I love you, sweet baby boy.

Love always,
Mommy

and baby makes EIGHT!

Little poppy - officially due November 30th!

It's been several weeks now since Steve and I announced that we were pregnant with baby #6. I've been wanting to sit down and write ever since then and for some reason (plus 5 other reasons), I haven't been able to.

Lemme start by addressing the very rude comment I received after we posted the video:

"we don’t love the idea of having 6 kids"
If you cannot financially afford another child, please do not do so! Seriously, I do not want to pay for your baby. Just because you can, doesn't mean you shouldnt. It won't fix things. Filthy.
I hope things work out for you :)

First of all, I love the smiley face at the end...like it's supposed to undo the hurtfulness that proceeds it. I also love how this person who continually writes ridiculous comments (most of which I delete) can never quite figure out their grammar or how to spell properly. When we addressed having kids in our Q&A last year (you can read it HERE), we were both on the same page about not being ready to have more kids. But before I go into detail about how that all changed, I would like to point out that our decision has nothing to do with finances, and I'm not exactly sure how anyone thinks they are paying for OUR children! Our decision to have a baby was not to 'fix' anything, but rather to celebrate our family and our relationship. It was not a decision made it haste, but one that came through a lot of prayer and discernment. If you also read in that answer, I talked about someday wanting to adopt, so adding another person to the household was never really off the table. If you don't want to live at my house with six kids...well, you're not invited anyway, but you certainly don't have to! You make your own decisions and I won't judge and how about you offer that same grace to others, ok?

I won't continue to waste any more breath on that comment. The only reason I even published it was because I know others (who are much less rude) were also curious as to how we came to a place of not wanting more children to embracing the idea of one more. Now that is a topic I am happy to talk about.

Ever since last year, Steve has always mentioned the idea of having another baby. I chalked it up to the fact that he LOVES babies and always wants to be holding one (sometimes he borrows friends' babies at church just to hold them), or the fact that we are both curious what it would be like to have a child together. We love our children and we think they've blended really well together, but we always talk about redeeming my last pregnancy and giving Steve the opportunity to experience the pregnancy of his child the way a father and husband is supposed to, since he really missed out on a lot of that before. But again, I continued thinking this was playful banter.

But then Super Bowl Sunday brought us to a friend's house to hang out, and another couple from church brought their brand new baby girl along with them. I kid you not, Steve held that baby at least half the time we were there, maybe more. And it suddenly dawned on me that maybe Steve really would love to have another baby. The drive home really felt like Deja vu....so much like the drive home from Canada when Jeremy and I talked about having baby #3. I cried, I prayed, and I had to open up my heart to the possibility of having another baby. Because it was a door I never really opened, I had some grieving to do. Grieving for the fact that I might have a child that would not be associated with Jeremy, and grieving again the loss of experiencing this journey without him. But as Steve and I talked and prayed through everything, my heart leaped at the exciting possibility of creating life with him and walking through this journey with him, and with our kids....who at this point, had been begging us to have more kids!

I won't lie - I am scared to death of being pregnant. I am terrified to reliving the past and losing everything. But I know I cannot let fear captivate me and keep me from living life to the fullest. I told Steve as long as he could be patient with me and handle my PTSD, I was willing to venture into this very scary unknown. After I found out I was indeed pregnant (btw, once we decided to go for it, I was pregnant within 2 days...CRAZY!) I couldn't sleep for a few days. I get anxious when Steve is away from home and I don't hear from him for awhile. I worry that once I hit the 6 month mark, I may be a hot mess. But then again, maybe not. Watching Steve get excited, and watching our children get excited has eased so much anxiety for me....and it's contagious. I AM GOING TO HAVE A BABY - this is good news no matter what kind of package it comes in!

We are thrilled to bring our family together in a solid way that no one can take away from us. We are honored that God has given us the privilege to once again care for another one of His children. Our kids could not be more excited...they kiss my belly on their way to school (yes, even the oldest!), they ask me constant questions about how I'm feeling, how little poppy (the baby's nickname) is doing, praying for us both every night...it really is the sweetest thing.

I really couldn't think of a better Mother's day gift this year than to know the love I receive will be getting multiplied by one more beautiful miracle this year!

A crazy new twist...(dun dun DUN)

I wanted to take the opportunity to post this video here. It's pretty awesome, if I do say so myself :)

More to come in the near future about this crazy and beautiful new twist in our journey....stay tuned! :)

We survived...Carter is here!

Carter Jackson King is here!

Born Tuesday, February 8th @ 9:17 am

Weighing 8lbs. 15oz.

20.5 inches long

His brother and sister are completely smitten

And I survived.

Thank you all for the overwhelming number of prayers that went up on our behalf. They were answered and Jeremy blessed me with his presence and a calming numbness that took over me today (or is that the drugs?) Either way, I'm thankful.  I've never been so exhausted in my entire life, so I will update soon. 

This is it

This is really gonna happen.

I'm gonna have a baby alone, without the one who helped me make him. Without my rock, without my support. I know other people will be around to support me, and I'm thankful, but it's not the same.

It will never be the same.

I feel like if I can just get through tomorrow, it'll be ok. Everything is painful anyway, and I know watching Carter grow and reach milestones without his Daddy there to witness will be hard, but this hurdle seems like the biggest to survive: bringing a life we created into the world alone. That's not how it's meant to be.

I've not shared this story with many people as to not misconstrue my love and desire for Carter, but it makes a lot of this make sense (not that any of this really makes any sense):

I was done having kids after two. But Jeremy was never quite sure he wanted to be done yet. After we found out my sister-in-law was pregnant with her fourth, and me thinking she was crazy, it really sunk in how selfish I was. On the drive home from Canada one night, I lost it. I felt this heavy weight on my heart knowing that I didn't want any more kids because it would be inconvenient for my life. Jeremy and I spent the entire 4 hour trip talking about it, crying about it, praying about it. We decided we'd see how things went, and leave it in God's hand.

We tried once.

The next morning, I decided that if I wasn't pregnant, I didn't want to keep trying to get pregnant. If I was, great, but I was really content with our sweet little family of 4. But, deep down I knew I was pregnant (we discovered it was my most fertile day of the month). And even just the possibility of it scared me a little, but knowing Jer was by my side made it worth it, and made me excited to have another child with him. We made a pretty great team.

I waited on pins and needles to take a pregnancy test. I took it a few days early, in fact. I picked one up on my way out to see Jeremy one morning at work. Our tradition was always that I'd take the test, he'd read the results. I stopped at the college, peed on a stick in the gymnasium bathroom, and brought it out for him to read...while my heart was pounding out of my chest.

I wish I could describe the look on his face when he read it. I haven't been able to get it out of my head. His eyes wide, his smile crooked and growing wider, he said "We're gonna have a another baby."

I instantly burst into tears.

Jer lovingly reassured me that everything was gonna be ok. But they weren't tears of sadness. I was never sad, just overwhelmed. I cried because of Jeremy's excitement. I cried because of my own excitement. I cried because I was scared but so looking forward to walking this journey again with him. He was pretty good about treating me like a princess, but it was so magnified when I was carrying his child, and I was selfishly looking forward to him doting on me again. He loved me pregnant.

Jer used to tell me I was crazy for saying that labor was my favorite part of pregnancy. But, it was. It's intimidating, and extremely painful, but it was the most incredible experience we'd ever shared together, and nothing has ever brought us closer. Bonding with him in that way is one of my most cherished memories.

Jeremy was a man's man. Rough and tough hunter and fisher, smelly, inappropriate, and very stubborn....but inside he was just a big teddy bear. And that never showed more than when I was bearing his children. He was always so nervous about labor because he worried so much about me (I had some close calls with both deliveries), but I never worried. It's hard to explain, but I waited 9 months to share that day with him.

And now, looking back, it just infuriates me. That one night of uncharacteristic vulnerability where I decided to give up all control to God now almost feels like a slap in the face. I trusted you, and this is what happens? You allow me to conceive knowing I would have to raise this child alone? Why do I have to trade one life for another?


Don't misunderstand, I love Carter unconditionally already. I can't wait to hold him in my arms and I know that my greatest responsibility in life is to care for innocent lives that Jeremy created with me. And I am honored to be the mother of his children. However, in hindsight, knowing I'd have to do this alone, I wouldn't have even considered it. I did it because of Jeremy, even for him. And I can share this because I think it's safe to say that no one would voluntarily choose to raise three kids alone.

And now, thinking about labor has the complete opposite effect on me. I already feel so lonely, and I'm terrified to get through this. I'm angry that I won't be able to see Jeremy's face when Carter arrives. I'm heartbroken that I can't hold his hand and feel his excitement, to watch that look of awe in his eyes when he lays them on his son. I feel resentful that Carter will never get to share that bond with his Daddy, never have even the smallest memory of him. On my own, I am such a bad representation of what we were together. And I feel like my kids are getting cheated out of that, especially Carter. My heart hurts for him already.

My body is so ready to be done with this. And I'm ready to see my little man. I've never been so ready and yet so unprepared for anything in my life.

Please continue to pray that redemption will be found tomorrow, even in the slightest way, for this bittersweet day. That love will be in abundance, and strength will be provided.

And pray, please pray, that Jeremy will meet us there.

Carter's Belly Shots

I don't mean to depress everyone every time they click to read a new post of mine.

This is my life. Right now, it doesn't feel good. And the good that is happening doesn't seem to matter much to me. But I'm not trying to make everyone feel sorry for me either.

So, to bring a lighter tone today and to keep in tune with pregnancy, since I posted a letter to Carter yesterday, I thought I'd share some belly shots with you that my dear friend Vicki took while we were in Panama City Beach together. Besides, you've only got one week to enjoy them before Carter arrives. Yikes.

I've never had belly shots done before, and I always regretted it. I'm not a 'bare all' belly person myself, but they're sweet memories and I honestly don't have any real pregnancy photos from either of my first two kids. I was determine to keep a better account of this pregnancy, and I was looking forward to taking some photos with Jeremy, since I have only one of him with my pregnant belly.

I can't describe how it pains me that he couldn't be present for these photos. But we made him a part of it, and I will cherish these photos forever. They turned out beautifully. Here are some of my favorites:

You can check out the rest of them on Facebook. Hope you enjoyed. Thanks, Vicki.

A letter to Peanut

My dear sweet Carter,

This will be my last letter to you before I get to see your beautiful little face. I have a C-Section scheduled for February 8 @ 8:00...only 8 days away. I'm filled with so many different emotions I don't even know how to articulate them all.

First and foremost, I'm scared. No, terrified. Last weekend, I started having anxiety attacks thinking about going into labor without your Daddy. It's ironic that I've wanted to have a natural birth since day one, and now the thought of it scares me half to death. I don't think I can emotionally get through it without Daddy by my side, he was my rock and the one who made me feel invincible. I talked to the doctor about it at my last appointment, and my anxiety on top of my high blood pressure added to the fact that we think you're already gonna be a big boy, we thought it best to get you outta there. You're taking a toll on my body, buddy. I know of a lot of it is my emotional pain converting into physical pain, but either way - I'm ready for you to come out!

Pregnancy is supposed to be a magical time. I feel angry for both of us that we got cheated out of that because I've had to focus all my energy just on getting through the days without falling apart. I've found myself in the deepest pits of despair, on my knees worried I may never get up. This is not an experience either one of us should have to be going through right now. I'm trying to take care of you. If Daddy were here, he'd be easing my pain with foot massages, back rubs, and taking good care of us both while getting so anxious to meet you. I don't really have anyone to share this with anymore. Faith comes the closest, and she is so excited to meet you and help me take care of you. But of course, it's not the same.

Even though fear is at the top of my list of emotions right now, I don't want you to discount my excitement for meeting you, baby boy. Am I scared? Definitely. Am I worried? Yes. Am I already totally in love with you? Without a doubt. I'm really just focusing on surviving the day, but I promise to do my best to love you and provide for you no matter what.

I really can't wait to meet you, to see your handsome face and remember what I was doing this all for in the first place. And as much as it hurts to not have Daddy with us to greet you into the world, I know he'll be by my side watching over us both. I hope you look just like him. I can't wait to tell you all about him.

I can't be everything you need, but I promise to be everything I can be. Please just come out safe and healthy, and we'll take it from there.

I love you, Carter.

Mommy

Subconscious Overload

The only picture I have of Jeremy with Carter - scanned from a photo

booth film strip we did at a friend's wedding in September.

I had quite an eventful day on Wednesday. So many things happened in just a few hours:

First, I dropped Caleb off for 'Donuts with Dad' day at school. Oh, my heart. I started to tear up on the way there when we passed the school my husband worked for, which happens to be right next door to the church (where the preschool is located) and Caleb said "Hi Daddy's work!" like we used to every day he worked there. And without skipping a beat it was followed by "I love you Daddy!"

I thought I was doing good. One of Jeremy's best friends, Jon, took Caleb. I was going to let Caleb just stay home with me and thought about doing something special with him while Sissy was in school, but Caleb couldn't turn down a donut, and he asked if Jon could come. I think it was very special for both of them. But as soon as I got back into my car, tears overcame me. Knowing this was just the beginning to many other things in our kids' lives that Jeremy is going to miss was just too much for my heart to bare.

Then, I had a prenatal appointment. I was very anxious about this one. All weekend, I was unable to sleep thinking about how close I'm getting to having this baby. Anxiety was starting to creep in as I thought about going through labor without Jeremy. Even though my goal for this pregnancy was to have a vaginal delivery, I don't think I will be able to handle it emotionally without him there. I need him by my side, and there are absolutely no substitutes for that. Which brings me to my next point of anxiety - who's going to be with me? I know there will be a lot people there and I could ask anyone, but no one is Jeremy, no one is Carter's father. I'm thankful his mom will be there to hold him first, since that was Jer's job.

On top of all that, I am so completely done with being pregnant. I don't think I will ever be 'ready' to have this baby alone, but I sure am ready to be done with the pregnancy. I'm miserable physically, and obviously emotionally. It's really taking a toll on me. That combined with high blood pressure and the fact that Carter is already measuring to be a decent size, I asked the Doc what she thought about me scheduling an early C-Section. She actually thought it was a smart idea. My original thought was if I don't go into labor on my own, I'll wait for Jeremy's birthday, February 22, to schedule a C-Section in hopes that Carter will have something special to share with his daddy. But I don't think I can handle waiting 8 days after my due date and I wasn't convinced that them sharing a birthday was more emotionally healing than harming and I didn't want Carter's birthday to forever be overshadowed by loss.

After my appointment, my realtor called me to tell me my purchase agreement for a house I put an offer on the day before was approved! It was actually the fourth house I put an offer on. Once everything is said and done, I will feel more comfortable sharing details about me moving. But I will tell you it's a beautiful home and I'm thankful to not have to stay in our current house much longer, as I know Jeremy would not want me here alone without him. It's not a good area.

I will also say that I've had this weird pull to put another offer on the very first house I bid on. Something keeps pulling me back that house, I'm not sure what it is. But I figured I'll put one more offer in and if nothing happens, we'll continue to move forward with this other house....both are great deals for great houses. But I will solicit prayers that we get the right house for our family. Either way, we'll be moving very soon!

So, I scheduled a date to have Carter (which I will reveal once they confirm the appointment tomorrow) and got myself a house all in a matter of an hour.

Then I got home and received Jeremy's full autopsy report in the mail.

The language is very hard to get through. Some of it hard to understand, yes, but I'm referring to the medical coldness. It's a very impersonal way to read the most personal details about the person you know better than anyone in the world. It's hard to swallow. I expected the medical terms and facts, but not the sudden knowledge that someone examined every inch of my husband, and to them, it was just another dead body. Ugh.

I also expected the result of death to be a little more detailed, but left me wanting to know more. On Jer's death certificate, it's says onset of death: years. And yet, the full report revealed nothing to indicate when this started - 5 years or 25 years, I don't know. I know his heart condition would not have been easily detected, but it sucks to know that through all the visits to the hospital last year, nothing was found. We never had a chance to fight.


The funny and disturbing thing is that I dreamt about all these things last night. My subconscious has been working overtime lately, I have been dreaming about Jeremy a lot. But last night, I took some Benedryl to help me sleep thinking it would knock me out cold as usual, but I tossed and turned all night.

The first half of the night, with each toss and turn, I was debating which house to choose and what price to settle on.

The second half of the night I dreamt Jeremy came back to life for just a short time and I was telling him to call his mom so we could bump up the C-Section date and he could be present for the birth of his son.

Then I found myself asking Jeremy questions in my dream about his death. I asked him if he remembered falling, or the fact that he completely dislocated his fourth finger on his right hand when he fell. Thankfully, in my dream, he told me no. And I honestly believe that to be true to life as well. But in my dream he was very weak and I knew I didn't have him for long, but I felt so thankful to have him long enough to tell him I loved him and tell him how much we've missed him since he'd been gone. I wish that was real life.

It's funny how my dreams have been reflecting my life lately. I used to have all these bizarre dreams that seemed to make no sense, and now I find my subconscious really trying to work things out from my real life. I really hope it's Jer's way of talking to me. I pray to meet him in my dreams every night.

Living in Limbo

Last year @ Gulf Coast Getaway. Jan 2010

I haven't been able to post....I don't know what to write. Not anything new anyway. A lot has happened over the last two weeks, and yet nothing has changed. I write to Jeremy every night before bed on his Facebook page and that has served as an outlet for me.

I started reading some of my grieving books. Mostly just to feel connected, to read what others have gone through. It's true that no matter how many people have experienced something similar to you, you still feel all alone in your grief. But something struck me in the book "Moments For Those Who Have Lost a Loved One" by Lois Mowday Rabey:

"Transitioning from intellectually understanding the reality of loss to actually living in the present with the reality of loss takes time. It does not occur at the moment of separation."

She calls this living in limbo. This is where I've found myself. Knowing my husband is gone and not ready yet to adhere it to my new reality, I "ache with the knowledge of loving someone and being loved." Sometimes I forget he's not here enough that I reach for his hand in the passenger seat. These are the hardest moments - when I finally realize he's not. It stings. 

I spent the last 5 days in Panama City Beach, FL for Gulf Coast Getaway leading worship. Jeremy and I went for the first time last year and it was an incredible weekend. He was so looking forward to it this year, and it was incredibly bittersweet to be there without him. Every moment reminded me of the year before and how much Jeremy would have wanted to be a part of it. This year, they made a beautiful tribute video for him. Then, 1600 college students emptied their pockets and broke the ATM machine to raise money for missions in Honduras, and for me and the kids - I was speechless. Once again undeniable proof that no matter how angry I get at God, I know he and Jer are watching over me and walking through this with me.

I was so ready to come home after not seeing my kids for 6 days - the longest I've ever been away from them. I was ready to be back to the familiar, to see those sweet faces that have become some of my few sources of joy and peace over the last 2 1/2 months. 

But then the reality of today really smacked me in the face. Realizing how close I am actually getting to my due date and how unprepared I am, I set out to get all the things still on my list for Carter: pack n play, car seat, swing, etc. I ended up having multiple anxiety attacks realizing I had to make all these mundane decisions without Jeremy. Decisions about OUR baby. I broke down in the middle of Babies R Us, reading all the daddy shirts. I cried with each item I chose, wondering if Jer would approve. I know he would, in all honesty. I could hear his voice saying 'It's okay baby, just get what you need' but that didn't stop me from wanting his opinion. He was always my voice of reason. Every few seconds, I would think 'I can't believe I'm doing this without him' and my heart would start racing and tears would threaten to fall. No wonder my blood pressure was high today at my prenatal appointment.

Going from such an eventful weekend to the mundaneness of every day life - I don't know which is worse: knowing Jeremy missed out incredible memory-making events that he would have loved, or knowing that my every day at home is just miserable without him. 

I guess it just sucks no matter which way you slice it.

A letter to Peanut

My dear sweet Carter,

It's hard to believe that my third trimester has already arrived. I'm terrified that we're not prepared for you, and yet more ready than ever to see your beautiful face. I can't wait to hold you. One thing I've learned about being a mother is that when my children are away from me for any period of time, I ache to hold them. And I'm already aching to hold you.

However, I'm enjoying these moments while they last, since I know they will be my last. You have really started moving lately, and I have to say it's something that will NEVER get old. Not in the middle of the night, not ever. It's the most incredible thing about being pregnant and I could just sit and feel you all day. Which is what Daddy and I do almost every night. We sit and watch you move and shake my belly before bed. Sometimes I'm afraid to move to put my hand on my belly in fear that you'll stop. Which is why your brother and sister haven't felt you yet (and the fact that they're too impatient to hold still and wait for it).

The thing that has been filling my mind and heart lately is how much you will be loved by your big brother and sister. They are so excited to meet you! They're already fighting over who's gonna to hold you and feed you. They pray for you every day, they include you in the family photos they draw, the words they know how to spell - you are already present and precious in their lives. What a lucky little guy you are to have these angels in your life already protecting you.

Speaking of angels, I must also mention what a blessing your Daddy is as well. Other than feeling life inside me, by far the coolest thing about being pregnant is sharing the experience with him. He's such a support, and he already loves you more than words. He takes such good care of me, I'd never be able to do this without him. He has big plans for you, buddy. Watch him carefully, and he will show you what it means to be a man of God who loves his family fiercely.

The fear of the unknown is still present. We still haven't even agreed on where we're going to put you! But now it seems as though you've always been a part of our family, I just couldn't imagine it any other way. I can't wait to welcome you to the world, baby boy.

I love you, Carter.

Mommy

Russian Roulette in my pants

Well, I am now 22 weeks, this is me:

I am feeling pretty good. I am still always exhausted, but I think that is the combination of being preggers, chasing after two kids, teaching preschool, working in a child center, and lack of sleep. When added together, they're lethal. 

My appetite over the last few weeks has been insane! I'm trying to watch it, but I can't ever seem to be full. Luckily, my busy schedule helps distract me from wanting to eat everything around me.

Carter is starting to move a lot more, which is so fun! The hubs felt him move for the first time two weeks ago, but hasn't since - every time he puts his hand on my tummy, he stops moving! I haven't been able to feel him on the outside with my hand for that very same reason. Little stinker.

I haven't had to get up in the middle of the night to pee very much yet, but I do have to be careful when I sneeze, or laugh too hard, ifyaknowwhatimean...

Last night, the hubs and I were driving in the car, and I sneezed. He said "You okay? Did you make it?" As to which I replied "Yeah that was close. I just never know anymore, gotta be careful. It's like Russian Roulette in my pants."

Ah, the joys of pregnancy....

Halfway there...

It’s hard to believe that 20 weeks have already gone by. It has flown by. Maybe cause the news still seems to be sinking in.

I’m okay with that, though. It’s the last half I really want to savor.

Everything’s going great. I’m extremely tired still, but that’s mostly because of how much I’ve been working. Do what I gotta do.

Carter’s movements have really been getting stronger and more consistent this week. I’m feeling him move and roll. If there were ever a sensation that would NEVER grow old, that would be it. I can’t wait till he starts kicking hard enough for the hubs and the kiddos to feel. I think the kids are gonna freak out!

I love that Carter has become a member of our family already. He’s part of the kid’s prayers, and he’s in every family drawing they’ve made since they found out the news. Faith gives my belly Eskimo and Butterfly kisses every night, and Caleb gives my bellybutton a huge, hard kiss before saying good night to his little brother. This little guy is one lucky dude, so many people who already love him so much.

Faith asked me tonight when I was gonna start breaking the house. When I asked her what she meant, she replied “Well, you keep getting bigger!”

Well, great.

All in all, I can’t complain. Doctor seems to think everything is going good so far. I WILL start soliciting prayers, however, for Carter to come on his own. That is my only chance for a vaginal delivery, which I am desperate to have. I’m doing as many kegel exercises as I can, and I will start some of my stretches very soon. They won’t induce me since I’ve had 2 C-Sections, and they won’t let me go too far past my due date, since I had gestational diabetes with Faith, so this guy needs to be punctual! The more prayers, the merrier!

A letter to Peanut

Every year, I write a letter to my children on their birthday.
I also wrote to them when I was pregnant.
I would like to continue this tradition, and you're invited to read along.


My dear sweet Carter,

There's something about knowing your name that makes it so much easier to write to you. I've been wanting to write to you since day 1, but wanted to wait til I could address it with your name. Carter Jackson. My little peanut.

This entire journey for me so far has felt new. Nothing has been familiar, completely different than my first two pregnancies. It's been so special to feel like all these stages and milestones are new again. Even though I've been feeling you move for awhile now, I still wake up every morning so excited for the day when you really kick, to feel life alive inside me.

What has really been new about this journey is how you came to be. I thought my family was complete. I thought I was happy with 2 kids. Then one day, it's as if God tapped me on the shoulder and said "What if you're not done yet? You still have more love to give." You see, Carter, Mommy was being selfish. Sometimes I got tired of chasing after kids. Sometimes I got lazy and didn't want to read books before bed. Sometimes I got selfish and wanted time for me. I thought I didn't have room to add any more responsibility. But I felt the weight of selfishness on my shoulders and knew that God had bigger plans for me and my family. Even in the midst of my selfishness, I gave God a very small window of trust and control, and He knew that's all I needed. God had YOU planned all along...

And I'm so thankful. Already you have turned my world upside down, making me reevaluate my life and what I really want. You've set my priorities back to leaning and trusting in God's wisdom. When I look back at all those things that took up my time and made me tired, I wouldn't trade any of those moments. Those were the times that tried me, shaped me, molded me, challenged me, and made me see what life is really all about. "Life is the messy bits." I know this to be true wholeheartedly.

I can't deny that I'm nervous. A little scared, even. Unsure about how our lives will adjust, what rhythm our family will take, and where we are going to put you! But I rest as ease knowing you will complete our sweet family. I don't deserve you, but here you are. You deserve better than me, but I promise to give you everything I have. We were meant to be together, and I can't wait for the day you become my Valentine.

I love you, Carter.

Mommy.

Sweet or Salty? BIG NEWS

Today was a very big day...

Today, we found out what kind of peanut we're having...

SWEET or SALTY? What'ya think? Can ya tell?

Healthy little peanut

A beautiful profile

Cute baby feet

Peanut in 3D - very cool. And also, kinda freaky.

This photo really should give it away....

We've got ourselves a SALTY PEANUT!!!! 

Carter Jackson is still right on schedule, due to arrive Valentine's Day!!

Can't wait to meet our little guy!

Peanut

I realized that I announced my pregnancy a few weeks ago, but haven't given an update yet. I also realize I promised not to turn this blog into baby central, but this is MY blog about MY life, so a few updates here and there are inevitable.

"Peanut" is no longer the size of a peanut. Though that will remain the baby's nickname until we found out when we're having, at 13 weeks, baby is about the size of a peach.  A peach still seems pretty tiny to me, but it's big enough to have my belly popping out already! I definitely popped about 11 weeks, but hey - this is my 3rd time around! Here's my progress:

4 weeks:

6 weeks:

8 weeks:

10 weeks:

12 weeks:

But at least I now am starting to look pregnant and not just 'bloated'. This pregnancy has already proven to be much more challenging than the first two. I've felt very ill and fatigued. But doc says everything looks healthy and that's all that matters. I'm looking forward to finally being into my 2nd trimester, where pregnancy really gets fun. I've gained about 5lbs, which is right on track. 

I've made the decision to work full time between two jobs at least up through the end of the year. It is my goal to pay down some debt before peanut arrives so that the added cost of another child will not bog us down. It sounds spoiled, but this is first time since I've had kids that I've had to work full time and I'm a little worried at how my pregnant body is going to handle it (not to mention, it bums me out to think about how much time I'll be missing out on with my kids). But it's for a short season and I know it needs to be done.

All in all, I am looking forward to the months ahead. It'll be nice to feel like we're getting on a good financial track, and preparing for this little Valentine (due Feb. 14). I can't wait to find out what we're having! I'm far too impatient to wait! =]