and baby makes EIGHT!

Little poppy - officially due November 30th!

It's been several weeks now since Steve and I announced that we were pregnant with baby #6. I've been wanting to sit down and write ever since then and for some reason (plus 5 other reasons), I haven't been able to.

Lemme start by addressing the very rude comment I received after we posted the video:

"we don’t love the idea of having 6 kids"
If you cannot financially afford another child, please do not do so! Seriously, I do not want to pay for your baby. Just because you can, doesn't mean you shouldnt. It won't fix things. Filthy.
I hope things work out for you :)

First of all, I love the smiley face at the end...like it's supposed to undo the hurtfulness that proceeds it. I also love how this person who continually writes ridiculous comments (most of which I delete) can never quite figure out their grammar or how to spell properly. When we addressed having kids in our Q&A last year (you can read it HERE), we were both on the same page about not being ready to have more kids. But before I go into detail about how that all changed, I would like to point out that our decision has nothing to do with finances, and I'm not exactly sure how anyone thinks they are paying for OUR children! Our decision to have a baby was not to 'fix' anything, but rather to celebrate our family and our relationship. It was not a decision made it haste, but one that came through a lot of prayer and discernment. If you also read in that answer, I talked about someday wanting to adopt, so adding another person to the household was never really off the table. If you don't want to live at my house with six kids...well, you're not invited anyway, but you certainly don't have to! You make your own decisions and I won't judge and how about you offer that same grace to others, ok?

I won't continue to waste any more breath on that comment. The only reason I even published it was because I know others (who are much less rude) were also curious as to how we came to a place of not wanting more children to embracing the idea of one more. Now that is a topic I am happy to talk about.

Ever since last year, Steve has always mentioned the idea of having another baby. I chalked it up to the fact that he LOVES babies and always wants to be holding one (sometimes he borrows friends' babies at church just to hold them), or the fact that we are both curious what it would be like to have a child together. We love our children and we think they've blended really well together, but we always talk about redeeming my last pregnancy and giving Steve the opportunity to experience the pregnancy of his child the way a father and husband is supposed to, since he really missed out on a lot of that before. But again, I continued thinking this was playful banter.

But then Super Bowl Sunday brought us to a friend's house to hang out, and another couple from church brought their brand new baby girl along with them. I kid you not, Steve held that baby at least half the time we were there, maybe more. And it suddenly dawned on me that maybe Steve really would love to have another baby. The drive home really felt like Deja vu....so much like the drive home from Canada when Jeremy and I talked about having baby #3. I cried, I prayed, and I had to open up my heart to the possibility of having another baby. Because it was a door I never really opened, I had some grieving to do. Grieving for the fact that I might have a child that would not be associated with Jeremy, and grieving again the loss of experiencing this journey without him. But as Steve and I talked and prayed through everything, my heart leaped at the exciting possibility of creating life with him and walking through this journey with him, and with our kids....who at this point, had been begging us to have more kids!

I won't lie - I am scared to death of being pregnant. I am terrified to reliving the past and losing everything. But I know I cannot let fear captivate me and keep me from living life to the fullest. I told Steve as long as he could be patient with me and handle my PTSD, I was willing to venture into this very scary unknown. After I found out I was indeed pregnant (btw, once we decided to go for it, I was pregnant within 2 days...CRAZY!) I couldn't sleep for a few days. I get anxious when Steve is away from home and I don't hear from him for awhile. I worry that once I hit the 6 month mark, I may be a hot mess. But then again, maybe not. Watching Steve get excited, and watching our children get excited has eased so much anxiety for me....and it's contagious. I AM GOING TO HAVE A BABY - this is good news no matter what kind of package it comes in!

We are thrilled to bring our family together in a solid way that no one can take away from us. We are honored that God has given us the privilege to once again care for another one of His children. Our kids could not be more excited...they kiss my belly on their way to school (yes, even the oldest!), they ask me constant questions about how I'm feeling, how little poppy (the baby's nickname) is doing, praying for us both every night...it really is the sweetest thing.

I really couldn't think of a better Mother's day gift this year than to know the love I receive will be getting multiplied by one more beautiful miracle this year!

Love is bigger

source

I was thinking about Amanda's post last week on Widow's Voice comparing divorce to death and how perturbed it made me what some people have the nerve to say (you can read it HERE). I've been lucky that no one has been dumb enough to try to compare the two to my face....or I should say, they've been lucky enough.

Not even my husband, who has been through one of the most painful divorces I know of, tries to compare the two. Just as I don't ever try to play the widow card to trump the hurt and pain that he's gone through. We know they're different and both painful in their own right.

But in my own personal experience, I have recently really noticed the difference that those tragic experiences have played out for our children. I ache every time I realize that Jeremy is missing out on things in his childrens' lives and there is nothing that will ever fill that void. But there is one thing I'm always certain of: Jeremy was an incredible daddy and his children will never doubt the love he had for them. Now that our oldest girls have gotten to a place where they realize their biological mother is not in the picture because of her own choice, that is a much harder topic to trudge through. The questions of why dad was the one who did the things that moms were supposed to when they were little are hard to answer. Knowing that we look for opportunities to honor Jeremy and talk about him in our household is a stark contrast to the care and sensitivity we take to not expose the pain and hurt the runs deep (and unfortunately current) caused by a mentally and physically unhealthy person who wants other people to be as unhappy as she is. I never thought the ripples and scars left by that tragedy could be as complicated to heal as my own.

How could you choose a more painful experience between watching a child that has night terrors about their parents leaving them or a child who has a hard time trusting people because they don't feel safe with the person who is supposed to care for them the most? A child who asks why daddy had to die or a child that ask wonders if it was their fault that their mom never did their hair or bathed them and would leave for days at a time? Which is worse? The truth is, they both are and comparing the two only makes it more painful.

What is boils down to is that it's ultimately not about divorce vs. death, but it's about love. While I wouldn't wish a death of a spouse on anyone, I can say that I am thankful for the love that Jeremy gave me, and I would NEVER trade it, even if I had known I would lose him so soon. And while I certainly would never wish a divorce on anyone, I know that divorced parents are not DEAD parents. But to feel a parent choose to leave is a painful trail in and of itself. I get frustrated in either situation by people who abuse these experiences to hurt others, or put children in the middle of it. In my book, that's unacceptable. To feel unconditional love is to be given wings in a very heaven laden world. Love matters, and when you get to experience it, no matter how short of time you have it for, it changes you and the way you see the world. It makes the harder parts easier to walk through. It make life worth living.

At the end of the day, we love our way through grief and divorce when our children struggle, because love is bigger than both, and the only thing that gives us the strength to keep going. We might not always have the right answers, but we are sure they cannot be out loved.

In the end, love wins.

A Mom by any other name...

When Steve and I answered questions about our story, our family, and our relationship last month, we got a lot of questions about what the kids call us. We were both in agreement that we both eventually wanted to be Mom & Dad, but we would let the kids call us that on their own terms and in their own timing.

I remember when Steve and I were dating, our oldest asking him what she would call me if we got married. He, of course, told her that she could call me whatever she felt comfortable calling me. Then she asked if she could call me Mom. When Steve called me up to tell me that, it brought us both to tears.

Then when Steve proposed to me and orchestrated his amazing plan of having everyone important in my life be present, the girls really wanted to be a part of it and were unable. But, they asked if they could write me letters for the day since they couldn't be there. I collected letters from everyone that day, including theirs, but in the chaos of the day didn't get a chance to read them all until later that evening. We opened a letter written by our second oldest that very simply was addressed to "Mommy" - a beautiful, simple, 8-year-old expression of unconditional love. Steve and I sobbed together for a good 10 minutes over the implications of our sweet little girl and how she innocently and unknowingly filled our hearts and brought our family together in such a unique way.

Well, I really thought it would take the girls awhile to adjust to actually calling me Mom. And I was ok with that. But it didn't take long at all, maybe a few weeks, before they started sneaking it in here and there. Every time it made my heart leap.

We had only been home as a family for a few weeks to finally get adjusted to a schedule that they ended up spending some of their summer time visitation with their biological mom. I thought for sure that the time away might make them take a step back in their comfort level with calling me Mom. I was ok with that too.

But something shocking happened. No sooner had they hopped in the car after intense hugs and kisses from being gone for 2 weeks that they were calling me Mom. Only this time, it wasn't sporadic - not like before when they were testing it out to see how comfortable they felt with it or how I would respond to it (I always tried to be cool about and not make a big scene about it, even though my heart always did a little touchdown dance) - this time it stuck. And it was beautiful music to my ears.

Steve and I exchanged knowing glances. And giant smiles.

There's something about hearing your child say "mama" for the very first time that could just make your heart burst. I used to always tell Faith and Caleb not to call me Mom, that it was strictly "Mama" or "Mommy" while they were little - they weren't old enough to call me Mom yet! I wanted to hold on to those days knowing I wouldn't get to carry that title for long.

I had no idea how meaningful or sweet it would be to hear the word "Mom" apply to me. Maybe not from the children I carried in my womb, but these beautiful girls that I carry in my heart, that God has entrusted me to love and care for. These two children who were so desperately searching for that connection and bond that they were missing, and feel their walls come down, feel their trust in me, and know that something very special was happening. Hearing them call me Mom means so much more. There's so much healing and hope in that word. It's the beauty that only a blended family could produce.

Come to think of it, I absolutely adore the title.

Q & A: Part 7 - The last ones

This is the final part in our Question and Answer series. It's a combination of some of the miscellaneous question and new questions that arose since we began. Thank you to everyone who was brave enough to ask us tough questions, and thank you for letting us use our story to make a difference. We pray that our answers have been helpful, and even though the truth isn't always easy, we pray it sheds light where light needs to shine and create understanding in an arena where there is little.

1. Are you going to continue using this blog now that you're remarried, or are you planning on starting a new blog with your new family?

I will continue to use this blog because it’s not just about parts of my life, but all of it. Eventually, when I find the time, I will likely incorporate all the other pieces as well but updating all that takes forever and I just haven’t been able to do it yet. But I won’t completely change it – the name will remain the same, Jeremy will remain a big part of it as well.

2. My husband and I are looking at life insurance right now because you never know what tomorrow brings. Were also working on our Will and other things of that nature. However with a tight budget already right now Life Insurance is something we always said we would get "later' because we were so focused on our day to day survival that life insurance really didn't come into the picture. With that said, Did Jeremy have life insurance and if he did, did it make grieving for his loss more doable since you didn't have the extra worry of finances? From someone who has walked that awful path of losing a spouse, I am wondering if there is any advice you can give me. Thank you.

Jeremy and I did not buy life insurance, but he was covered with the basic term insurance provided by his work, which wasn’t a ton. But anything helps when it comes to finances, because not only is it difficult to sort all that out while you’re blinded by grief, it’s also a huge stressor trying to figure out how you’re family will survive on one income. While the term insurance was helpful, I definitely regretted not taking the time to do it with Jer for sure. Even just a minimum amount is helpful, if you can manage it in your budget.

3. Would you mind sharing what phone editing software you use? Your pics have always been so beautiful!

Haha, I was not expecting this question! I usually take all my pictures on my phone, since it’s always with me. I use Instagram or Camera+ or Camera! to use all their different filters to edit the pictures. The photos you see that are not filtered from my phone are probably taken by my beautiful and talented friends Sarah and Vicki.

4. What's your favorite food ever? Something that makes you drool just thinking about it. It can be a dish or a type of food (ie. cheese, bread etc).



I can’t say I have one favorite food, but I would say I’m in love with Ghirardelli Chocolate Squares with Caramel – I put a bag in the fridge and I swear that’s what Heaven will taste like! I also am a sucker for slushies, pizza, or anything with avocados.

Steve: Donuts, cake, or BBQ – take your pick… I LOVE them all!!  And if I could get a BBQ flavored cake-donut all bets are off!!

5. What's your favorite time of day?


Nap time, of course J

Steve: I have lots of favorite times of the day! But my two favorite times have to be our bedtime routine with the kids (reading stories, praying, and doing Bible trivia together as a family) and spending time with just Vee and I after the kids are asleep and the house is finally quiet J

6. If you could be an animal what would you be and why?



Um, I’ve never put much thought into this and I wouldn’t qualify myself as a huge animal lover, but I would have to say a Tiger. They’re so beautiful and have very few predators. Plus, they like nap time too!

Steve: I am not sure I have ever had to think about this question, but I guess if I have to choose one animal to be, I would say a bear. Bears can eat whatever they want and no one is going to tell them otherwise (after all, who is going to tell a bear he is overweight?!)… and, 9 times out of 10, if you go to the zoo the bear is off sleeping somewhere, which means I would get a lot more nap time!

7. I also read "Heart Cries" (and love love love love that blog!)

I remember that she did a really amazing interview style bunch of videos on her blog when she was answering a bunch of questions with her first son's birth mother...

Would you ever consider adding some "video blog entries" so we can hear from you and Steve verbally!?

I think that would be kind of cool!!

That is a very cool idea that I had never really thought about before. I can tell you there is a reason I write – because I can organize my thoughts before they come out. I’m not nearly as impressive in person. But, I definitely have that on my list of ideas to do sometime. Thanks for the suggestion!

8. How is Faith doing with her birth order being changed since she is no longer the eldest? Also, how is Steve's youngest (sorry I don't know her name) dealing with no longer being the youngest?

It’s been pretty interesting and fun to watch the girls adjust to their new roles. I think overall, they’re adjusting quite well. I’m grateful that Faith doesn’t feel so much pressure to take care of things like she did after Jeremy died, I think it made her age way faster than I wanted her to. But she still likes to tell me “Zada, Reagan and I are the oldest. Caleb and Carter are the youngest” – so she still functions that way sometimes. I think she likes going back and forth, to be honest – she has sisters she gets to go to for help with make-up/dress-up, girls to play with while still using her nurturing side to take care of her brothers. Reagan has seemed to really enjoy having someone younger than her to boss around! Haha, I think she loves being the big sister and I love the little voice she uses when she’s playing that role. “Now remember Faith, we need to this….” “Caleb, remember Mom and Dad want us to do that…” It’s very sweet and I think she likes having the little bit of responsibility that comes with the role – it makes her feel important. She’s a wonderful big sister.

FOR STEVE:

9. As a bereavement counselor, what advice would you give me to find someone as wonderful as you? I feel as if I'm going to have to settle for the first shmoe to come along since I am not beautiful. (One guy told me he would be with me if I supported him and let him move into my house...he doesn't have a job and got kicked out of his apt., and he said I should take his offer since I'm not pretty and won't ever find anyone else anyway...I didn't take the "offer"). Please give me some advice. I'm so lonely for the kind of love Vee has found with you. I used to be so happy when my husband was alive because he thought I was beautiful but no one else ever will. What should I do? (I realize this may not be the forum for this exactly, but I really need advice and Vee said we can ask anything. I don't know where to turn. My friends are sick of hearing it.)

First of all, let me tell you that I am not perfect.  I have my own set of flaws and imperfections that Vee has to deal with – no one is perfect! However, please, PLEASE don’t settle for someone who does not treat you with the love and respect that you deserve.  I have told Vee numerous times that if, for whatever reason, we had never wound up dating or marrying, I hoped she would have found someone who treated her like a princess, who would walk beside her, support her, carry her when she was down, love her for who she is, and allow her to embrace her past while living in the present. I consider myself BLESSED to be the man who gets to walk beside her in this journey, much like I know Jeremy felt blessed to walk beside her in their marriage. 

While widowhood can leave you with a longing for intimacy, love, and companionship, it is important to not opt for someone who can “tolerate” your past, but who can support and love the person you are! I don’t know you, and will probably never get to meet you, but what I can tell you is that God designed you specially – you are His handiwork, and therefore you deserve to be treated that way! Don’t settle for some jerk that wants to take advantage of you, or who treats you less than a princess. Its not always easy to wait, and sometime its tempting to rush into things because we see ourselves as “broken” or with “baggage”, but trust me, there is someone out there who God has designed to help you feel beautiful in the area of your life where you feel so messed up.

10. Now we know that Steve is divorced and that there is a mom in the picture, albeit the wack-job she seems to be. How do her visits with her daughters affect your relationship with the girls? I know you said that you love them and they love you, but they are not teens yet and someday wacky mom might offer them things like freedom to do as they please when they are teens, just to make trouble in your household. How will you handle this practically? Are you prepared for it? Are you ever worried she will bad-mouth you to the girls? The family you created seems so near to perfect that I wonder if you or Steve are ever afraid that the mom will try to destroy it?

I have a ton of fears, most of which I am sure the normal divorcee has when they have to balance the relationship with their ex-spouse for the benefit of their children.  While you list a couple of fears here, there are many I worry about even more for Zada and Reagan, for instance: Since their mom has severe health issues and has inconsistently taken her medications, I fear walking the girls through her early death because she failed to maintain a healthy lifestyle.  Because she has had unstable mental health for so many years I fear that this may be something that causes the girls problems in their personal lives and relationships. I fear that somehow they may pick up on her unhealthy relationship and emotional patterns and it will become something that plagues them personally. I fear for them when they get old enough and learn the truth about their mom and the ways in which she has hurt them, me, or others in our family including her own mother. So, yes there are a lot of fears I have, but the way that I look at it, I cannot allow myself be consumed by these fears. I have to do what I know is right, work as hard as I can with Vee to show the girls God’s love through our parenting, and pray that no matter what God will protect them in ways I only wish I could.  I daily pray for them – and for all our children, that God will help me be the right man and father for them today, tomorrow, and for the rest of their lives.  I pray for wisdom well beyond my years to know how to deal with those situations as they arise as well as to be thankful for the fears that never come to fruition.  

What would you like to know?

You may not all realize this, but I've censored a lot of my life over the last twenty months. Sure, I've had soul bearing moments and gut-wretching realizations through my own writing, but I've always weighed a lot of what I've had on my heart. Some words too dangerous to mention, some too angry, some too personal - but never at the sacrifice of my own truth. Maybe watered down a little sometimes, but real. And the moment I realized that this blog wasn't just for me anymore, I was much more aware of how to real but also meaningful with whatever I said.

I say all that to say the same has also been true for my relationship with Steve. I realize that my blog is more focused on my grief - which is ongoing and still relevant - but I know there are a lot of people reading, in the same situation in life, or just curious about a lot of different things. And I recognize that at such a big transition in our lives, we would love to opportunity to share our story, our love, and what God has been doing in our lives in a way we haven't before.

SO....Steve and I would both like to open this blog up for questions, directed for either one of us. Honest questions, tough questions, questions about our family, our unique relationship, and/or questions about grief - I know there are a lot of them out there. The only questions I will not answer are distasteful ones that are meant to bash either of us. And we all learned a few weeks ago how my amazing husband will handle anything like that :)

If there's anything you'd like to know - here's your chance.

Ask away.

love makes a family

Love makes a family.

That was the phrase I saw on a t-shirt in Arkansas in a booth raising money for a family trying to adopt. As soon as I saw it, I knew I had to have it. I bought one for me, and one for Steve. Had there been children sizes, I probably would have gotten one for each of our 5 children. Cheesy, I know.

Since then, it has become a theme incorporated in my life, in our wedding, and in our family. In my life, blended families are outside of my knowledge or level of expertise and something I've prayed a lot about. But every time I think about this phrase, or read my t-shirt, it really breaks things down to the basics for me. Every once in awhile, I change it in my head to also say 'God makes a family.'

The truth of the matter is, I loved Steve's daughters before I loved him. I loved them way back when we were just acquaintances and our kids were just friends who hung out once in awhile. But my heart melted for them, and ached for them in their hurt. God allowed them to tug at my heart in many ways before I really understood why.

This weekend was a stressful one, and yet God once again showed me a future outside of what could have ever been my understanding before. These sweet, wonderful girls filled up my heart in so many ways. Zada had picked out a craft with some money she'd earned, which was a box of 4 stepping stones. She graciously shared them with her soon-to-be siblings and her sister and they each made a personalized stepping stone. It was her suggestion to make them for Jeremy and maybe we could take them to his memorial at the college - they all loved the idea. Heart squeeze number one. While we were making them, she thoughtfully asked "if Jeremy is a part of our family, what would he be to me?" Let me stop right there - the fact that these girls have already incorporated Jeremy into our family means more than I could possibly tell you. They understand what an important role he plays for me and my kids and I love that they ask me questions about him (Zada asked me last week if I remembered what the last thing Jeremy said to me was....and I loved being able to tell her yes, and sharing the story with her). I remembered that when we went to Jeremy's grave in Canada, she wrote him a little note on the balloons we took that said 'you were a great friend' so I told that since he was a friend to her when he died, he could stay that to her always. Heart squeeze number 2.

We took the stones to Jer's memorial. After that, they asked to walk around campus to see where Jeremy worked. We held hands and talked, laughed and raced, and watched Carter tumble his way around. Steve noted this precious time while we were all holding hands and said "I love this family." Heart squeeze number 3.
I grabbed Reagan's hand a little tighter and holding back tears, said "Yeah, we're pretty much rock stars."
Reagan smiled. "Yeah, pretty much."

It was the first time I remember taking a deep breath and feeling so proud of the family I had since Jeremy died. I always felt a sense that something was missing and that I would never be able to give my children a whole family again. But there we were, all together and complete, carrying Jeremy in our hearts as we walked around and shared stories of what he did and where he worked. It was so very precious to me.

When we walked down to Jer's shop, my ache was strong and my grief surprised me as I seemed to suddenly realized for the first time that this was place I last saw Jeremy alive. The last time I touched him, heard his voice, kissed him. The lump in my throat was huge as I showed Steve's girls where we used to sit at the picnic tables and bring Jeremy lunches in the afternoons and heard Faith and Caleb remember in such detail little pieces about their daddy and that campus. It was like two different lifetimes overlapping each other, two different loves coming together.

We continued walking together. We took the kids to McDonalds to eat and play. When we got back, we sat on the couch and played charades, laughed and tickled each other. Moments I will never take for granted. And every time I held one of those girls' hands, or played with their hair, or felt them crave my affection and attention, I thanked Jeremy for teaching me to love fiercely and to never again take my life for granted.

I'm so proud of our blended family. I know it won't always be easy. I know that there will be many challenges ahead, and I know it's not the family I ever had planned, but there's so much beauty there. So much healing and hope to be found and shared. I feel such purpose in this family God has made.

This family that love has made.