A Mom by any other name...

When Steve and I answered questions about our story, our family, and our relationship last month, we got a lot of questions about what the kids call us. We were both in agreement that we both eventually wanted to be Mom & Dad, but we would let the kids call us that on their own terms and in their own timing.

I remember when Steve and I were dating, our oldest asking him what she would call me if we got married. He, of course, told her that she could call me whatever she felt comfortable calling me. Then she asked if she could call me Mom. When Steve called me up to tell me that, it brought us both to tears.

Then when Steve proposed to me and orchestrated his amazing plan of having everyone important in my life be present, the girls really wanted to be a part of it and were unable. But, they asked if they could write me letters for the day since they couldn't be there. I collected letters from everyone that day, including theirs, but in the chaos of the day didn't get a chance to read them all until later that evening. We opened a letter written by our second oldest that very simply was addressed to "Mommy" - a beautiful, simple, 8-year-old expression of unconditional love. Steve and I sobbed together for a good 10 minutes over the implications of our sweet little girl and how she innocently and unknowingly filled our hearts and brought our family together in such a unique way.

Well, I really thought it would take the girls awhile to adjust to actually calling me Mom. And I was ok with that. But it didn't take long at all, maybe a few weeks, before they started sneaking it in here and there. Every time it made my heart leap.

We had only been home as a family for a few weeks to finally get adjusted to a schedule that they ended up spending some of their summer time visitation with their biological mom. I thought for sure that the time away might make them take a step back in their comfort level with calling me Mom. I was ok with that too.

But something shocking happened. No sooner had they hopped in the car after intense hugs and kisses from being gone for 2 weeks that they were calling me Mom. Only this time, it wasn't sporadic - not like before when they were testing it out to see how comfortable they felt with it or how I would respond to it (I always tried to be cool about and not make a big scene about it, even though my heart always did a little touchdown dance) - this time it stuck. And it was beautiful music to my ears.

Steve and I exchanged knowing glances. And giant smiles.

There's something about hearing your child say "mama" for the very first time that could just make your heart burst. I used to always tell Faith and Caleb not to call me Mom, that it was strictly "Mama" or "Mommy" while they were little - they weren't old enough to call me Mom yet! I wanted to hold on to those days knowing I wouldn't get to carry that title for long.

I had no idea how meaningful or sweet it would be to hear the word "Mom" apply to me. Maybe not from the children I carried in my womb, but these beautiful girls that I carry in my heart, that God has entrusted me to love and care for. These two children who were so desperately searching for that connection and bond that they were missing, and feel their walls come down, feel their trust in me, and know that something very special was happening. Hearing them call me Mom means so much more. There's so much healing and hope in that word. It's the beauty that only a blended family could produce.

Come to think of it, I absolutely adore the title.

love makes a family

Love makes a family.

That was the phrase I saw on a t-shirt in Arkansas in a booth raising money for a family trying to adopt. As soon as I saw it, I knew I had to have it. I bought one for me, and one for Steve. Had there been children sizes, I probably would have gotten one for each of our 5 children. Cheesy, I know.

Since then, it has become a theme incorporated in my life, in our wedding, and in our family. In my life, blended families are outside of my knowledge or level of expertise and something I've prayed a lot about. But every time I think about this phrase, or read my t-shirt, it really breaks things down to the basics for me. Every once in awhile, I change it in my head to also say 'God makes a family.'

The truth of the matter is, I loved Steve's daughters before I loved him. I loved them way back when we were just acquaintances and our kids were just friends who hung out once in awhile. But my heart melted for them, and ached for them in their hurt. God allowed them to tug at my heart in many ways before I really understood why.

This weekend was a stressful one, and yet God once again showed me a future outside of what could have ever been my understanding before. These sweet, wonderful girls filled up my heart in so many ways. Zada had picked out a craft with some money she'd earned, which was a box of 4 stepping stones. She graciously shared them with her soon-to-be siblings and her sister and they each made a personalized stepping stone. It was her suggestion to make them for Jeremy and maybe we could take them to his memorial at the college - they all loved the idea. Heart squeeze number one. While we were making them, she thoughtfully asked "if Jeremy is a part of our family, what would he be to me?" Let me stop right there - the fact that these girls have already incorporated Jeremy into our family means more than I could possibly tell you. They understand what an important role he plays for me and my kids and I love that they ask me questions about him (Zada asked me last week if I remembered what the last thing Jeremy said to me was....and I loved being able to tell her yes, and sharing the story with her). I remembered that when we went to Jeremy's grave in Canada, she wrote him a little note on the balloons we took that said 'you were a great friend' so I told that since he was a friend to her when he died, he could stay that to her always. Heart squeeze number 2.

We took the stones to Jer's memorial. After that, they asked to walk around campus to see where Jeremy worked. We held hands and talked, laughed and raced, and watched Carter tumble his way around. Steve noted this precious time while we were all holding hands and said "I love this family." Heart squeeze number 3.
I grabbed Reagan's hand a little tighter and holding back tears, said "Yeah, we're pretty much rock stars."
Reagan smiled. "Yeah, pretty much."

It was the first time I remember taking a deep breath and feeling so proud of the family I had since Jeremy died. I always felt a sense that something was missing and that I would never be able to give my children a whole family again. But there we were, all together and complete, carrying Jeremy in our hearts as we walked around and shared stories of what he did and where he worked. It was so very precious to me.

When we walked down to Jer's shop, my ache was strong and my grief surprised me as I seemed to suddenly realized for the first time that this was place I last saw Jeremy alive. The last time I touched him, heard his voice, kissed him. The lump in my throat was huge as I showed Steve's girls where we used to sit at the picnic tables and bring Jeremy lunches in the afternoons and heard Faith and Caleb remember in such detail little pieces about their daddy and that campus. It was like two different lifetimes overlapping each other, two different loves coming together.

We continued walking together. We took the kids to McDonalds to eat and play. When we got back, we sat on the couch and played charades, laughed and tickled each other. Moments I will never take for granted. And every time I held one of those girls' hands, or played with their hair, or felt them crave my affection and attention, I thanked Jeremy for teaching me to love fiercely and to never again take my life for granted.

I'm so proud of our blended family. I know it won't always be easy. I know that there will be many challenges ahead, and I know it's not the family I ever had planned, but there's so much beauty there. So much healing and hope to be found and shared. I feel such purpose in this family God has made.

This family that love has made.

heartbreaking treasure

While I was going through pictures for Faith to take to Camp Hope this weekend, I suddenly felt the need to watch every. single. video sitting in our iphotos library. Many I had not seen. Like this one:

Oh, my heart. 

I don't even have words for it. I've watched a million times in 48 hours, and still can't decide whether to smile or sob. My favorite part is the very last split second, the sweet smile you give to Faith and I feel your contentment and your appreciation for the sweetest of that moment. Love watching you being a daddy, can't believe it will only be through a few videos from now on. A heartbreaking treasure.

I miss you love.

I love you more than anything.

-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died

DAY 12: A Happy Home

Happy the home when God is there,

And love fills every breast;

When one their wish, and one their prayer,

And one their heavenly rest.

Happy the home where Jesus' name

Is sweet to every ear;

Where children early speak His fame, 

And parents hold Him dear.

-HENRY WARE JR.

family

Well, baby, I survived another funeral I never thought I'd have to sit through. I wish so badly that you could have been next to me, holding my hand. Looking at all the pictures on the slideshow we made and through the funeral of our family, it struck me that there's not just one person missing - there are two. In just 9 short months, I've lost two members of my immediate family. What a huge hole is left in family pictures now. I felt the hole today as I said goodbye to Brian.


I watched the pallbearers carry the casket out of the church today, and noticed that the majority of them were family. My brother and my cousins - this is what made up a majority of Brian's closest circle. Family. This touched me today as I've drifted apart from my extended family. I've always loved my family, but we never went out of our way to spend time with them because let's face it: there's so many of them and when we all get together, there tends to be drama.


Today there was no drama. Just hugs, smiles, tears together, laughter, and love. Lots of love. I felt like a kid again with all my family at my parents house tonight. I walked in the house to see my aunt playing legos with Faith. I walked outside to my aunts, uncles, and cousins passing around Carter trying to get their turn to hold him for the first time. I taped my mom trying to help Caleb ride without training wheels for the first time. I joined half of my family - old and young alike - making pictures and a riding track out of sidewalk chalk on my parents drive. I listened to the loud and familiar sounds of the Valko women laughing and sharing stories. I passed the boys playing Euchre on the porch. It felt good. It felt right.


Somehow, over time, I've forgotten the value of my family. I grew up, moved out, surrounded myself with friends and you and I started our own family and I didn't feel like I needed them as much because I was independent. But I was reminded today, honoring Brian's life, how fragile life can be and how important family is. They healed my heart today.


I remember after spending time out in Brighton once, you telling me 'You really should make it a point to go out there more. You always have such a good time, I know how much you love being around your family.' Thank you for seeing that and being the kind of man to say so. 


I missed you today. If we could have a break from loss until it's my turn, that'd be great.
I love you with all my heart.

There's more...

Here are the rest of the photos that Angela Miller sent to me from our session with Carter last week, this time with all the kiddos. If you get a chance to stop by her website, www.angelamillerphotography.com, or become a fan of hers on Facebook, please do - she takes incredible photos and I'm so thankful for the shots she got of my sweet little man.

Without further ado:

Snow Day

Two nights ago, I was watching Facebook blow up over the snow storm we were about to get. Everyone was freaking out.

Really? This is Michigan people.

I've never known Michigan to be so whiney about snow before. If anything, people should be rejoicing at the possibility of a snow day. It's a hot commodity around here. I was blaming it on the fact that so many southern states have been whiney about snow lately on Facebook, and were starting to rub off on us. Either way, it was humorous.

Now, I am not snow's biggest fan. And, I've been known to whine myself about the sheer inconvenience and mess that snow creates. But I don't rush to grocery store for the last gallon of milk.

And I love a good play in the snow.

I haven't been able to take the kids out all winter, so yesterday we geared up and headed to the backyard - one giant clean slate of fresh snow calling our names. I also found humor in the fact that even though I've lived in Michigan my entire life, I don't have much for real snow gear. Thankfully, I married a Canadian. I went out in his snow pants, his hat, his gloves, and almost his coat (I opted for my nice coat cause it had a hood).

We had fun. I needed the fresh air. It's tough to realize that no matter how much fun we try to create, it still  feels so prosthetic. There is a giant void we will never be able to fill, or get away from. The kids said multiple times in the snow that they had wished Daddy was there to play with them.

Oh Goodness, me too.

Every smile comes with an instant reaction: "I wish you were here." And then the fight to stop tears. I tried to just enjoy the time with the kids, but there just isn't a moment that goes by where my subconscious isn't thinking about Jeremy. We decided to trail a giant heart in the backyard with Daddy's name on it (so he could see it from Heaven):

We made snow slushies and snow ice cream. We had a pretty low-key day at home. And at the end of the day, when we were saying goodnight, I gave the kids their kisses from me and Daddy and told them how much I wish he could have played with us, because he would have had so much fun. Caleb got very quiet and sad and said "I really want Daddy to play with me, but he died. I want him to play Cars with me. He shouldn't have died."

He's right. He shouldn't have died.

A broken family

Our last family photo. We're all in it - all 5 of us.

Even though I wrote to Jer about this tonight, I only get 1000 characters on Facebook, and it just isn't nearly enough to muddle through all my emotions tonight. I can't see clearly through my sobs tonight, so bear with me.

Today, I just can't seem to get over how heart broken I feel for my sweet babies.

I wanted to dedicate my entire day to my kids today. Before Jeremy died, we were pretty good about having 'Friday Family nights' where we would stay in, make our own pizzas (or order it if we didn't have everything or felt lazy) and do something together as a family. Most recently, they had almost always included a game of Hi-Ho Cherry-O and of course, wrestling. Faith told me tonight that no matter what we do, wrestling with Daddy is always "special-er" than anything else. They asked him to wrestle the second he walked in the door almost every day.

We haven't had a 'Friday Family Day' since Jer left us. Mostly because things have been so crazy, but also because I just have a hard time feeling like a family with such a huge piece missing. It hurts too much to call us a 'family' without Jeremy, even worse to celebrate it. But I wanted to bring the essence of that to the kids today, to let them know how much I love them and wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them.

Now, for the last 9 months, I haven't been able to wrestle. I can't do much of anything these days, so I took the kids to 3 different play places. We stayed out all day, walked around the mall, went shopping, had lunch and dinner together, got hair cuts, ate cotton candy....partly to keep them from taking a nap today cause they've been getting up WAY too early lately, and partly to savor one whole day together. Just the three of us, before 3 becomes 4....

Overall, the day was a success. I know it was for the kids, anyway. I teared up on and off throughout the day. I've been okay for a few days, nothing too overwhelming, but it was getting worse today. It really started to hit me when we went to the "Fishy Store" (aka Bass Pro) to look at the fish. If you know me, you know I have a pretty severe phobia of fish, and this was always Daddy's job. I had to text our friend Jon to tell him how proud Jer would have been of me to bring the kids there. Not only did I stand next to the tank with them, but the fish didn't phase me much because all I could think about was how much I wanted him to be there.

On the way home, we reflected on our day and I asked the kids if they had a good time. This was our conversation in the car:

Faith: "Yes, I had lots of fun. And we even went to the Fishy Store for Daddy."

Me (starting to tear up): "Yes, I think Daddy would be proud of us. I really wish he could have been there, he would have had a fun day with us..." I didn't finish cause I started crying.

Faith: "Mommy, you don't have to cry. We did it FOR Daddy."

Me: "I know, baby. I'm crying because my heart is still broken from missing Daddy so much. And it's okay to cry when you have a broken heart."

Faith: "Maybe I can give you one of my Dora Princess band-aids to heal it."

Me (crying even harder now): "Oh sweet girl, I wish that would work."

Caleb: "No Faith, when I grow up to be a Daddy, her heart will be healed."

My first thought was: Jer, how can you be missing this?!? The two sweetest souls on earth trying to ease my heartache in their pure innocence - they do not deserve this life they've been suddenly given. There are just so many things that I cannot be for them. And I can't believe the way they've banded together over the last few months....they really have never been closer. They've been playing so well together, sleeping together - I think they've been subconsciously leaning on each other for support.

And all day, all I kept replaying in my head was that even though it made me physically sick to my stomach to think about, I would give up a future with Jeremy if it meant he could come back and be a Daddy to our babies. No one could replace him in their lives and they need him so badly to be their example, their rock, their knight in shining armor.

And for the one who will never know him....my sweet Carter. He'll never know what a great loss we have suffered. He will be born into a broken family and will never know what it feels like to be whole.

My heart aches beyond measure tonight. Praying for peace to come in the morning.

Homemade Applesauce

The hubs grew up on homemade, good eatin'.

One of those treasures he had every year was homemade applesauce. Now, I don't usually like to attempt making his family recipes, because they never quite compare (there are a few I have mastered though), but we were determined to stock up on some applesauce this year.

It's such a fun family thing to do!

From picking the apples together, and letting the kids help mush them in the applesauce maker, to taste testing, we had a blast...even if it did take us a few hours.

First, we picked the apples. Got some Gala, McIntosh, and Golden Delicious:

The hubs was so excited to get started:

 All cut up and ready to boil:

Now, taking turns mushing the apples with the applesauce maker (this is long and tedious part!):

 And....YUM!

Faith approves:

 Caleb approves:

This year's batches were WAY better than the ones we made 2 years ago - I think the McIntosh apples made the best applesauce so far. Tart and sweet, the perfect combo.

Even with all these apples, I don't think it's gonna last long!

Days to Remember

I'm not sure why I didn't post about it before, probably just the craziness of my schedule, but both my babies had their first day of preschool last week. (Well, Faith started PreK, Caleb started Preschool).

It's such a weird thing to explain to people, that I work at the preschool my children attend. Caleb is in my class, and Faith is next door. Plus, Faith joins my afternoon class Mondays and Wednesday, so I still get to have her in class. But, it's a sweet little church preschool, so it's just those two classrooms. I guess it's weird to explain because I feel like people don't understand the wrenching in my gut to watch them go to school - even if they are coming with me.

Last year, Faith and I started our first years of preschool together. And even though I was with her the entire day, I held back tears the whole time. Watching her interact with other kids, learn and create, knowing she was old enough to be in school was so difficult.

This year, it wasn't as difficult because it was familiar. But after taking pictures and looking back, it hurts a little more. I can't believe my sweetie pies are so big!

All dressed up and ready to go

The poses they insisted on, and a little love from Mama (it was my first day too, remember!)

There just aren't any words to describe how incomplete my life would be without these beautiful faces in it.

Fun with Scrapblog

Stumbled across an amazing website today.....Scrapblog.com!

I've been playing with this site all day.  A lot of it is free, so you can create almost anything...like my new blog header, if you haven't noticed! I'm finally getting around to sprucing up my blog, and this site has been the easiest help by far!

Anyway, here's a fun page I made with the rest of my family photos:

So cute, right?!?

Family photos

So, I've started thinking about Christmas cards, etc. and what we were going to do this year.

Then it occurred to me:

Our family hasn't taken a decent photo together since the Dude was born.

That realization made me very sad. Now, I still plan on taking some real family photos (not my sad attempt with our crappy camera), and I still plan on figuring out how to do some photo layouts (MckMama did a great tutorial on this, but I can't figure it out on my program).

So here are the last-minute-no-one-to-take-pictures-so-we-used-the-garbage-can-in-the-backyard family photos. Some them are decently cute!

The Princess and The Dude (I feel like that should be a title of a new movie!)

The ladies...

The fellas...

The Kings

There are more cute ones that I'll post later!!! =]

We are family...I got all my cousins with me!

I finally had an evening where I was in bed before midnight (in fact, I was in bed before 11) - and I can't sleep. So, I'll blog.

Last Thursday, I headed out to Brighton to meet up with a big chunk of my mom's side of the family. My cousin Laura was in town from the Navy, which only happens a couple times a year and I usually miss her when she comes. I don't get out that way much, so I brought the camera and a pair of heels...totally had a ton of fun! Even singing Karaoke from a cheap, out-dated TV plug-in set @ my mom's was fun....

Aww....Laura Jeane the beauty queen. Miss this girl!

The whole gang @ Memories

Me, Holly-wolly, and Alex

Laura, Holly (who was working as our server), and me

Laura, Aunt Terri, Me, Mom, Dolly, Aunt Dar

Tomorrow, I will post some pictures of my weekend in St. Louis! I'm gonna try to catch some Zzz's....