A picture is worth...

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...1000 words.

Or, so they say. Whoever 'they' is.

But, I think a picture is worth so much more than that. 

A picture doesn't just convey an endless amount of words, but it can also capture an emotion that no words can describe. 

It can preserve a memory that might otherwise have been forgotten. 

It can make you laugh or cry just at the very sight of it. 

And for us here, a picture is priceless - something that can't be duplicated or repeated. 

It's tangible proof of the intangible. 

This ironic thing happened when Jeremy died. I stopped taking pictures. Just when I lost everything most precious and was seeking whatever I could find in the few pictures I took....and always looking for more - for something I missed - I couldn't seem to take pictures for myself. 

For one, I looked like hell and didn't want to be in any picture.

I didn't want to fake a smile. 

I didn't want to pretend. 

But it was also just too painful. 

It hurt to capture my beautiful children's faces without their daddy there to ever see it. 

It hurt to take pictures of friends continuing to live life seemingly unaffected by the world flipping upside down. 

It hurt to see life moving forward and I wanted no part in it. 

Eventually, my yearning to capture life's moments came back to me. After my brother died, I searched for as many pictures as I could find and felt so much heartache that I didn't have more of us together. The day of his funeral, after our family got together for the evening, I decided to take pictures with the people I loved. Now, whenever we all get together, I quickly stand next to each of them and snap a picture. I started to hurt when I had no pictures of my friends anymore and they were all taking pictures together without me. So now I try to make sure I take the pictures that I don't want to forget. I'm now the mom who is constantly stopping my kids for pictures....it's gotten to the point now where I hear "Mom, take a picture of me doing this!" on a regular basis. And I'm pretty sure at this point, I have more pictures of Steve and I together over the last 20 months together than I have of mine and Jer's 8 years together. Because I've learned the hard way how precious those can be.

I find myself often looking back at pictures... 

My old profile pictures on Facebook. 

The pictures on my iPhoto library. 

My instagram photos.

The pictures tagged on Jeremy's wall. 

It can be painful sometimes, but I am always drawn to recreate those moments in my heart and my mind. 

To remember. 

To somehow capture as many pieces as I can before it's too late.

Because someday, they might be all I have left.

"If you want to know what someone fears losing, watch what they photograph."

1000 words

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They say a picture is worth 1000 words.

I've noticed lately that I always think I have more pictures of Jer than I actually do. The more time that passes without him and the older my kids get, the more I realize that all the pictures I have are not enough. No amount could have been enough. I was looking through pictures of Faith and thought surely there must have been a more current picture of her and her daddy together. But no, she was 4 when he died...she's about to be 7 in two weeks. Caleb was so tiny, and he's grown leaps and bounds and is the spitting image of his daddy...surely I have some recent evidence of that. They look so little in those pictures, and it always leaves me in shock that Jer hasn't gotten to see them grow since then. 

There's no way I don't have pictures of Jeremy and Carter together, is there? I mean, Carter knows him by name and by face. He recognizes any picture of Jeremy...he's just not in any of them. How can there by a whole life breathed without one moment together? It's utterly heartbreaking.

After Jeremy died, I couldn't bring myself to take any pictures for awhile. It was too hard. But now, I understand how special and important they are. Even the most insignificant picture can tell a story that could mean the whole world to the right person. I am so thankful for all the pictures I have of Jeremy and our life together....I bet they're each worth significantly more than 1000 words. 

If only 1000 words were enough. 

Engagement photos

It's nice to be able to put happy things on here once in awhile. Wanted to spread some cuteness and make-you-wanna-throw-up adorable engagement photos of Steve and me. 

 My sweet and amazingly talented friend, Vicki, took these for us on the fly one evening when I was down in Indiana, so that we'd have some cute pics (without mustaches!) to share

Love them. Love this man. 

1000 words

They say a picture is worth 1000 words.
I say a picture is priceless.


Your sister and brother-in-law are here visiting, and it's soooo good to have them here. Every time I hang around them, it makes me ache to be closer to them more often. But this time April brought with her pictures of you for me to scan, some of which I'd never seen before. Some of you as a child, some of us dating, some of you with your nephews. All so precious. What a wonderful gift. And even though it's horrible that it comes down to me having to hold onto you through pictures, I found myself actually happy to see them, to see you.  More healing than painful, I never feel like I have enough pictures.


There are a few pictures that tug at my heart. 

This picture of you fishing with Jack was the one that almost made me tear up. Aside from being an incredible dad, you were an amazing uncle. I loved how much you talked about missing them and wanting to hang out with them when they were away. You were so good about spending quality time with them.

This picture made me smile, mostly because it's one of the few early pictures of us that I don't hate me in. But also because we look so young. This was when we were dating, before we got engaged. I still remember that feeling of elation just from being with you and around you.

There are a lot of sweet pictures of you and Faith together, but I had not seen this one before. I can't believe how much Carter looks like her right now. I can't wait to make a scrapbook for the kids of all their pictures with you.

Ahhh, this is my favorite. I love this picture because this is the way I remember you. Something about it makes me wanna reach out and touch you and never let go. 

The worth of these pictures to me could never be measured. 1000 words would never do them justice. My life, my love, my past, my future, my family, my world - are all within these pictures. When I go through them all, I get a little glimpse of you and your heart, which is so so precious to me.

I miss you baby. There is still a giant hole in the universe where you should be.

I love you always and forever.

Sarah Beth Photography

I can't really describe the bittersweetness of leaving Youth in Action this weekend. It was one of our last big trips last year before you died, and I wanted to hold on to it forever.


I felt you there this weekend. I always say this, but the DeeperStill guys (or as Faith likes to call them now, "The DeeperStills") keep you alive for me. Or at least they keep you close. So often I find myself feeling you drifting away to becoming a distant memory, even a muddled picture I feel like I made up sometimes, like maybe you weren't real and I made it all up in my head. But their stories and their genuine love for you and our family pulls you close to me every time. We miss the fire and spark you brought to weekends like this.


It was a great weekend. It was a hard weekend. It was a sad weekend. It was a healing weekend. I miss you so much sometimes it makes me sick. But I love honoring you like we did this weekend, and carrying on the things that you loved.


On a completely separate note, Sarah took pictures for me last week. It started as Carter's 6 month shots, and ended up with family photos. There is a hole where you should be, but Sarah has a natural gift and talent, and the pictures turned out wonderful. I hope she doesn't mind me sharing these since I don't have the copies yet but I wanted to keep the watermarks on there for her credit. Love love love that girl, I don't know what I would do without her. And I'm so thankful she's captured moments for our family that I would otherwise never have record of. I know you would love these photos, especially the ones of your beautiful children.


I miss you, love.
I love you with all my heart.

-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died

DAY 9: It Take Courage

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen." -WINSTON CHURCHILL

Sometime we mothers have to speak our minds, but perhaps more often, we just need to listen to our kids. It does take courage, but joy and understanding come in hearing their hearts.

There's more...

Here are the rest of the photos that Angela Miller sent to me from our session with Carter last week, this time with all the kiddos. If you get a chance to stop by her website, www.angelamillerphotography.com, or become a fan of hers on Facebook, please do - she takes incredible photos and I'm so thankful for the shots she got of my sweet little man.

Without further ado:

Carter's Belly Shots

I don't mean to depress everyone every time they click to read a new post of mine.

This is my life. Right now, it doesn't feel good. And the good that is happening doesn't seem to matter much to me. But I'm not trying to make everyone feel sorry for me either.

So, to bring a lighter tone today and to keep in tune with pregnancy, since I posted a letter to Carter yesterday, I thought I'd share some belly shots with you that my dear friend Vicki took while we were in Panama City Beach together. Besides, you've only got one week to enjoy them before Carter arrives. Yikes.

I've never had belly shots done before, and I always regretted it. I'm not a 'bare all' belly person myself, but they're sweet memories and I honestly don't have any real pregnancy photos from either of my first two kids. I was determine to keep a better account of this pregnancy, and I was looking forward to taking some photos with Jeremy, since I have only one of him with my pregnant belly.

I can't describe how it pains me that he couldn't be present for these photos. But we made him a part of it, and I will cherish these photos forever. They turned out beautifully. Here are some of my favorites:

You can check out the rest of them on Facebook. Hope you enjoyed. Thanks, Vicki.

Fall Happenings

Just uploading some photos for Facebook today from October, thought I'd share. We had a very busy, but fun month! =] Here are the highlights:

My teacher's assistant, Randi, and I dressed as Tigger and Pooh for our preschool Halloween party - I know, cute right? And props to Faith for taking a decent photo!

We decided to bring our bikes to the park one beautiful fall day. They don't get to ride much at home and Caleb hasn't taken his bike out of the basement. They were excited to say the least.

Faith brought her scooter. This kid scooted almost 2 miles around the park!

Faith sitting proudly in front of our carved pumpkins.

My cuties. They love each other. Really.

Looking forward to an eventful November....