A picture is worth...

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...1000 words.

Or, so they say. Whoever 'they' is.

But, I think a picture is worth so much more than that. 

A picture doesn't just convey an endless amount of words, but it can also capture an emotion that no words can describe. 

It can preserve a memory that might otherwise have been forgotten. 

It can make you laugh or cry just at the very sight of it. 

And for us here, a picture is priceless - something that can't be duplicated or repeated. 

It's tangible proof of the intangible. 

This ironic thing happened when Jeremy died. I stopped taking pictures. Just when I lost everything most precious and was seeking whatever I could find in the few pictures I took....and always looking for more - for something I missed - I couldn't seem to take pictures for myself. 

For one, I looked like hell and didn't want to be in any picture.

I didn't want to fake a smile. 

I didn't want to pretend. 

But it was also just too painful. 

It hurt to capture my beautiful children's faces without their daddy there to ever see it. 

It hurt to take pictures of friends continuing to live life seemingly unaffected by the world flipping upside down. 

It hurt to see life moving forward and I wanted no part in it. 

Eventually, my yearning to capture life's moments came back to me. After my brother died, I searched for as many pictures as I could find and felt so much heartache that I didn't have more of us together. The day of his funeral, after our family got together for the evening, I decided to take pictures with the people I loved. Now, whenever we all get together, I quickly stand next to each of them and snap a picture. I started to hurt when I had no pictures of my friends anymore and they were all taking pictures together without me. So now I try to make sure I take the pictures that I don't want to forget. I'm now the mom who is constantly stopping my kids for pictures....it's gotten to the point now where I hear "Mom, take a picture of me doing this!" on a regular basis. And I'm pretty sure at this point, I have more pictures of Steve and I together over the last 20 months together than I have of mine and Jer's 8 years together. Because I've learned the hard way how precious those can be.

I find myself often looking back at pictures... 

My old profile pictures on Facebook. 

The pictures on my iPhoto library. 

My instagram photos.

The pictures tagged on Jeremy's wall. 

It can be painful sometimes, but I am always drawn to recreate those moments in my heart and my mind. 

To remember. 

To somehow capture as many pieces as I can before it's too late.

Because someday, they might be all I have left.

"If you want to know what someone fears losing, watch what they photograph."

1000 words

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They say a picture is worth 1000 words.

I've noticed lately that I always think I have more pictures of Jer than I actually do. The more time that passes without him and the older my kids get, the more I realize that all the pictures I have are not enough. No amount could have been enough. I was looking through pictures of Faith and thought surely there must have been a more current picture of her and her daddy together. But no, she was 4 when he died...she's about to be 7 in two weeks. Caleb was so tiny, and he's grown leaps and bounds and is the spitting image of his daddy...surely I have some recent evidence of that. They look so little in those pictures, and it always leaves me in shock that Jer hasn't gotten to see them grow since then. 

There's no way I don't have pictures of Jeremy and Carter together, is there? I mean, Carter knows him by name and by face. He recognizes any picture of Jeremy...he's just not in any of them. How can there by a whole life breathed without one moment together? It's utterly heartbreaking.

After Jeremy died, I couldn't bring myself to take any pictures for awhile. It was too hard. But now, I understand how special and important they are. Even the most insignificant picture can tell a story that could mean the whole world to the right person. I am so thankful for all the pictures I have of Jeremy and our life together....I bet they're each worth significantly more than 1000 words. 

If only 1000 words were enough. 

The pieces in between

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There are those moments that repeatedly roll around in my head. They're the staples I held onto the moment Jeremy died, the ones that epitomize our relationship and bring me peace about the last few days of his life....the sweet exchanged I shared with him in the car, not knowing it would be my last, holding hands with him the night before, going out to dinner as a family just days before he died. These are the pieces I remember vividly because I've held them so tight.

I think after someone dies, your brain automatically scrambles to try and hold onto every important piece you can retain from the last minutes/hours/days/weeks of their life. We grasp onto these pieces to remind us of life, to make sense of the chaos and to store them in our hearts. These are the pieces that, whenever I think about the last days of Jeremy's life, I think about most.

But then there are the pieces in between. The pieces of simple, every day things that we may have forgotten about until something comes up to remind us. A random conversation I forgot we had, a silly joke he told to the kids I couldn't remember, or a song that sparks a memory. These aren't the moments I think about most regularly, but when they come up, they bring another piece of him together.

These little moments, these in between pieces, have come up here and there for the last two years, and I know they probably will continue to for the rest of my life. And even though they aren't the staples I run back to or the moments I hold on tightest to, they're just as important. I'm always grateful when these little pieces come back to me.

Death week

I am in the midst of one of the toughest grieving weeks of the year for me. Last week it began with my wedding anniversary with Jeremy. Then, Friday I received the news that my Grandma Wanda passed away due to some complications after a surgery. Devastating. Today (Wednesday) is her birthday, and also the death anniversary of my brother, Brian. This week my mom will have her birthday as well. Needless to say, it's been a rough week.

One of my favorite memories of my Grandma Wanda took place while preparing for my brother's graduation party. Jeremy and I were down in the basement with Brian, putting together a decorated box to collect all the cards for the day. Upstairs, my other very rude Grandmother started bickering about how I wasn't helping and how ungrateful I must be while my parents would be paying for our wedding (Jeremy and I were engaged). These accusations were of course ungrounded and false, but she just likes to have something to complain about. My 4-foot-something spitfire Grandma Wanda starts yelling from the basement sticking up for me and telling her to shut her mouth. And then began to tell Jeremy how much she liked him and not to worry about haters.

I share this story because it hit me suddenly yesterday while I was sharing it with Steve that 3 out of 4 people involved in that memory are dead.
Not here anymore.
How is that possible?!

It was too much for me to understand. It's just not right. And to top it all off, it's all flooding me in the same week, at the same time. Three precious lives that have meant so much to me in different ways no longer exist. Yesterday, I'm pretty sure I cried at the drop of a hat - all of it was weighing on me.

Today I had made plans to stay distracted. But what was really pulling on my heart was to face grief. I needed to spend the day with my parents and grieve this horrible day last year when I felt my brother die in my hands. I wanted them to know how much Brian was and is loved. I want them to know I'm still here, still hurting with them, still healing. So we cancelled our plans and headed to my hometown to my brother's grave. What a sight it was to see today:

So many people had already been there today. Notes, pictures, flowers, plants, keepsakes - everyone leaving pieces behind. We added to the bunch with letters from the kids, flowers and balloons.
It felt right to be there.

Inevitably, when I face grief, it all gets mixed together - I grieved for Brian, Jeremy, and Grandma Wanda today.
It was heavy, but necessary.

You'd think the more people you lose close to you, the better you'd get at figuring this stuff out. Turns out it doesn't work that way. It just sucks every time.

I'll be glad when the week is over.

I can't remember if I remember

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I had a horrifying experience this week:

I couldn't remember.

It started with a drive to meet my sister-in-law in Canada. The drive was a familiar one that I've taken with Jer hundreds of times through the years. Suddenly and unexpectedly, but like a familiar wave of grief, I was struck with tears realizing I would never take the drive again with him. Then I started to try and remember all the different drives I had taken with Jeremy over the years on that road. I remembered very little, which bothered me, but that wasn't the problem.

I then started trying to think about what it felt like to hold Jeremy's hand in the car like I had so many times before. But instead, all I could remember for that little while was holding my brother's hand in the hospital as he slipped away from us, and the second I noticed a change in his hands and knew that he was gone. And like the wave, I was covered in tears. Tears for my brother, who I've been missing so much the last few days (well, ever since I saw my nephew last weekend and his resemblence to my brother was so eery and heartbreaking for me) and tears for the fact that I couldn't get myself to remember was it was like to hold my husband's hand.

I started to go back to all those familiar moments that I think about often. Like the night before he died - him holding my hand on the way home, telling me how much he loved to hear me sing....I tried to remember past what I normally thought about, maybe some other details I missed before and I couldn't. Then I started to doubt the memory. It feels so distant - did that really happen? Do I actually remember it or is it just because I thought about it so many millions of times that it has become a habit instead of a memory? It was truly horrifying to feel like my memories were slipping further away from me just like Jeremy was.

Luckily, it was fleeting. Sometimes, all it takes is a picture of his jaw line or crooked smile to bring all those things back. Or a random hot day where the smell of sweat suddenly made me miss his salty kisses in the middle of the afternoon on a lunch break. Or sitting with Steve, playing with his ears, and remembering how different it felt to play with Jeremy's. I remember with such detail praying every day that I never forget.

What hurts the most

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The lyrics to the Rascal Flatts song were bouncing around in my head as I sat down to type out this post....

This past weekend, I spent some time in Canada visiting with Jeremy's family. I always look forward to spending my time with them, not only because I love them so much and they don't even know how incredible they are, but also because they keep me close to Jeremy. What I didn't expect was how emotional the trip would be for me. 

I grieved a lot this trip. Steve came with me and we were able to talk about wedding stuff and they allowed me time for my heart to be happy and share good news, but I still ached and I know they did too. It's hard to move forward without feeling like I'm letting pieces of my past go. I want to take it all with me.

I took Steve to Jer's grandparents house. He hadn't been there yet, so we went over for dinner. And suddenly, the hole felt bigger and the knot in my throat grew tighter - the entire time we were there. We had a lovely visit, but I walked around the house looking at all the pictures of Jeremy, wondering why this wave of grief was following me around. Then, we sat down to dinner and ate Jer's favorite dinner EVER (grandma's lasagna) and talked about all of the things he loved to eat at their house and I heard the heartbreak in grandma's voice as she told me she couldn't keep chocolate chip cookies in the cookie jar anymore, and I suddenly knew. I felt closest to Jeremy there at his grandparents house - it was one of his favorite places to be. We spent a week there every Christmas, we traveled there many times throughout the year, I had listened to countless recalled memories from Jer about growing up there, and I knew that such a big piece of his life and his heart were there. I hadn't spent a whole lot of time there since he died, so I guess I had never taken it all in. Even through their joy for Steve and me, I felt their heartache for their oldest grandson. My heart was so heavy for them. And I felt myself lose Jeremy all over again. I lost my future of making more memories with him in that house.

What hurt the most....was being so close...

So close to Jeremy I could almost see him. Standing in the door frame, sitting on the floor wrestling with the kids, sitting at the table licking the blueberry pie plate clean. I can feel him there in his pictures, like they were just taken yesterday. I heard him laughing, felt him breathing there. 

I realized that the places I feel Jeremy closest are also the places I grieve hardest. I felt similar when I took Steve to Jeremy's grave for the first time the following day. Knowing he's there is so overwhelming for me to face sometimes. Feeling close to Jeremy means so much to me, but it lingers for days and sits in my heart.

I know that so much of my day to day looks different than it did before Jeremy died. In a new house, driving a new car - they're not places that Jeremy touched or made a mark in so they don't have that affect on me. But when I go back to those places where I feel him most, something comes over me. 

I was thankful for the sweet man by my side who held my hand while I cried out and grieved the other man that I love. His tender heart held mine as he thanked me for sharing pieces of Jeremy with him, and understood that no matter how much I love him or am thankful for his presence in my life, sometimes.....this grief thing just really hurts. 

The last few days

My sexy man leading worship - I miss watching him pour his heart out in song...

Just after Jeremy died, I went to AT&T to try and sort out our phones and cancel his, take over his iphone, etc. I tried to transfer some voicemails that I had saved over the last 2 years....I had about 12 of them, each one a different good-night message from Jeremy and the kids while I was bartending late at night. The kids voices were so little, some were from even before Caleb could talk much - singing to me, telling me about their day, praying for me - and the sound of Jeremy's voice telling me he loved me was something I wanted to keep forever.

I was absolutely devastated to find there wasn't a way to keep those messages. We had just switched to AT&T from Verizon days before Jeremy died, so I couldn't get them back from my old phone. I cried in the store, probably scared the poor girl working there. Even today, it kills me that I can't listen to them again. I wanted to remember, to hold on.

I've come to realize that over the last few weeks, I've tried so desperately to hold onto and remember all my 'lasts' with Jeremy. Our last kiss, our last words, our last meal....the last month, the last week, the last day...

The truth is, there are holes in my memory of our last week together. I know it was great, but we were so busy. I wanted to write it down so I don't forget, and maybe in writing, I will remember more. My memory starts on Friday November 5 - four days before Jeremy died. This is mostly because that's when we got our new phones, and that's as far back as our text messages to each other go.

November 5th
I remember that our dear friends Chris & Vicki were in town to see another friend in a show. We were able to meet up with them for dinner at Rochester Mills. Jer and I had never been there, and even though I knew about where it was, we ended up driving around it in a big circle in downtown Rochester, playfully arguing about where it was and calling Chris a bunch of times for directions. We had a great dinner together, and Jer was so anxious because we were going to AT&T after to get new phones. Our Verizon contract was up and he was finally able to get his iphone....we had money set aside for awhile just waiting. He was like a kid in a candy store.

We spent awhile in the phone store. I sacrificed having an iphone to save money and got a generic free phone. I always let him have the better technology, it was more important to him than it was to me. And I loved seeing him giddy about stuff like that (probably why I could never tell him no when he wanted something).

We, of course, texted each other back and forth with our new phones. I read the text messages between us those last few days over and over and over. But just in case I lose them, here it is:

JER 9:05pm - I love you!
ME - Ditto!


November 6th

ME 7:46am - I love you a lot!
(I'm not sure why I wrote him this early in the morning. I was on my way to work at the gym, I must have assumed he was already awake with the kids since they stayed home with him)


JER 8:17am - I love you. Let's have a family night tonight!
ME 9:23am - Deal
JER - Love you
ME 9:47am - Love you more!
ME 10:17am - Hey I actually get reception in the break room with this phone...schweet! But I am ready to come home already!
JER 10:34am - Yeah I'm heading out now (I don't remember where they went)
JER 11:32am - I wanted to let you know I love you

Later that evening, we went to Max & Erma's for dinner with the kids. I walked in to get us a table:

ME 6:33pm - Come in
JER - Ok love you, you sexy B
ME - Love you more handsome!

We had a great dinner with the kids, I loved when it was just the 4 of us. The kids were great and we ordered fresh chocolate chip cookies for dessert. We stopped at Target on our way home and picked up the Lady Antebellum Christmas CD. We stayed up late listening to it while checking our emails, etc.

JER 12:05pm - This song makes me miss my mom. (He was texting me from the bathroom, lol)
ME - Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas?
JER - Yeah
ME - I like this version

November 7th
We had to drive separate to church, since Jer always led worship for both services. I usually went with him to both but it's a lot with little kids, so I just met him up during class time in between services.

ME 8:02am - Just thought you should know how much I love you!
JER - I love you a ton too baby!
ME - Phew! What's the plan for this afternoon? Are you going hunting?
JER - I don't know yet I'm really frustrated....stupid deer
ME - Well I have the urge to go out to Lakeside mall for shopping and maybe Cheeseburger in Paradise. We could see if the Knutson's wanna do that for dinner tonight or maybe we could go on a date with a movie or something.
ME 9:43am - Wanna see if Kara and Mickey are free 4 lunch?
(I was apparently bored, texting him while getting ready for church - obviously he was busy, I wasn't really expected him to text me back, just give him some ideas so we could figure it out after church)

JER 10:06am - Just FYI I really love you
ME - Ditto :)


I actually can't remember what we did for lunch after church. We usually go out to eat after church, but I have a feeling we went home for lunch so we could get an early nap together. I do remember that we ended up eating at Logan's for dinner with the Knutson's, since it was new and none of us had been there since it opened. It was a good dinner with good friends.

November 8th
ME 11:53am - Are you coming to eat with me? (He usually came over to eat lunch with me, since he worked next door)
JER - I may! I'm starving!
ME - Well quick cause I'm ready to eat!
JER - Ok there in five


In the afternoon, during nap time at Preschool, Jer and I had a long conversation that I debated about posting. Nothing about it was bad, he was just down for the day feeling lost in our monotonous day to day life, I just didn't want people to misinterpret his heart. But, he was battling a cold that had lasted a couple of weeks, he wasn't getting much sleep, and he was feeling better by the end of the day.

ME 2:37pm - I love you a lot baby!
JER - Love you too...I need to get away! I'm feeling really down and I don't know why!!!
ME - Luckily, the next few months will be full of time with family, travelin' and days off :)
JER - Yeah but very few breaks, I really want to go hunting, and I want to relax and I don't feel like there's a point to doing either
ME - You've done a lot of hunting, and relaxing at Kirk and April's will do you good too...let's not lose sight of why we're doing all this. You are an incredible worker and you're taking good care of your family
JER - I know, and still all I want to do is sit in my stand and be away from here!!! This place is depressing me
ME - Well the next time you get out there try to clear your head. Talk to God and ask him to refresh our family and give us a better focus. Allow for some contentment in your heart, it will do you a lot of good. (This particular text makes me a little angry now...)


JER - Yeah I don't like this feeling. I just want to go to bed...
ME - You're sick. You're tired. You're overworked. It won't be forever baby. I love you more than words!
JER - I love you too. Sorry I don't mean to be whiny!
ME - Hey you listen to me whine enough, I think it's only fair!
JER - I don't want to be like this...sorry.
ME - I know baby. We've been doing the same thing over and over for a few months now, but you always find a way to provide for our family and I respect all that you do. It means the world to me even if I don't always express it.
JER - I know baby! I just need a break. I kinda wish I'd gone on the moose hunt! Just to get away
ME - Would you feel better now or less stressed? I think it might just be perspective though I wish we could have afforded for you to go.
JER - I don't know, I just feel like I need to get away from here for a bit


This day, November 8th, was a very long day for us both.  We went right from work to have a quick dinner with the kids, then right back to the church to prep for Refuge, our once a month instrumental worship series that we were both supposed to sing for that Wednesday. We had a long practice, half of which Jer was laid out on a church pew with a massive migraine. Once he was feeling better, he got on stage and in true Jeremy form, belted out our worship songs in his full chest voice - for practice. Crazy kid.

I remember our ride home vividly. We held hands and quietly talked while the kids fell asleep on the way home. I had basically been at the church building for 14 hours that day, and was looking forward to being at home and laying in my own bed. Jeremy told me how much he loved my voice and was looking forward to hearing me sing for Refuge. And I was secretly beaming with pride.

November 9th
You can read about the details of this awful day here as I can't bear to write it out again.
Very few texts exchanged this day, and yet I read them over and over as my heart sinks deeper and deeper every time...

ME 9:26am - Love you!
JER - Love you too
ME 4:34pm - Love you!
ME 6:45pm - When are you coming home? I miss you!
ME 7:06pm - You said you'd be home by 7 where are you?
ME 7:59pm - I'm starting to worry babe...
ME 8:38pm - Please call me

Ugh, it's like a sucker punch every time.