Choose life.

As per my second annual post to my brother, I wanted to wish him a Happy Birthday.
Today, my brother Brian would have been 28.

Would have been. That past tense is killer. Just three words to make you come to screeching halt and realize he no longer is. It's hard to believe he's been gone for almost 17 months. Today I woke up thinking about Amy and all my friends that are suffering the loss of her husband Jim on Friday. Then my heart started aching for my mom & dad, brother Matt, and all the people Brian loved dearly.

All of sudden I realized that just more than 2 years ago I was just like everyone else. In just a short amount of time, I became a reference. A person who people think "I hope that never happens to me." I don't say that to gain pity...I say that out of the sheer shock that life can change at any moment. How did that become me? My friends and family haven't suffered enough loss?

I know that death is a part of life. And ultimately, death means that we have life. As I sit with friends grieving at Panera, or shopping for a funeral dress, or texting my parents and brother to let them know they're on my heart, or hearing the sounds of the last of Jim's family members coming into town and embracing one another in pure heartache - I am reminded that death is never far away.

Choose life. While you're here, choose to live. More importantly, choose to love. Or as my best friend Sarah so perfectly worded it: Make sure your default is love. Hold the ones you love a little tighter. Get rid of the distractions and follow through on promises. Keep your word. Keep in touch. Help a friend who needs it. Love without regret or restraint.

Love you, bro. Wish I could hug you and tell you in person. Know that you will never be forgotten and I promise your name will never be unfamiliar in our house. We love you and miss you dearly. Happy Birthday.

*****Don't forget that through the month of December, revenue collected from my blog will be donated to my dear friend Amy Lewis, who lost her husband suddenly last Friday. Each page impression will donate a small amount of money, so if we all keep clicking together, it will add up to a lot! Just since yesterday, we've raised over $2000 just in Paypal donations! Let's keep going! Please consider donating at the top left hand of the page to help ease the financial burden that Amy is facing. Thank you!*****

Death week

I am in the midst of one of the toughest grieving weeks of the year for me. Last week it began with my wedding anniversary with Jeremy. Then, Friday I received the news that my Grandma Wanda passed away due to some complications after a surgery. Devastating. Today (Wednesday) is her birthday, and also the death anniversary of my brother, Brian. This week my mom will have her birthday as well. Needless to say, it's been a rough week.

One of my favorite memories of my Grandma Wanda took place while preparing for my brother's graduation party. Jeremy and I were down in the basement with Brian, putting together a decorated box to collect all the cards for the day. Upstairs, my other very rude Grandmother started bickering about how I wasn't helping and how ungrateful I must be while my parents would be paying for our wedding (Jeremy and I were engaged). These accusations were of course ungrounded and false, but she just likes to have something to complain about. My 4-foot-something spitfire Grandma Wanda starts yelling from the basement sticking up for me and telling her to shut her mouth. And then began to tell Jeremy how much she liked him and not to worry about haters.

I share this story because it hit me suddenly yesterday while I was sharing it with Steve that 3 out of 4 people involved in that memory are dead.
Not here anymore.
How is that possible?!

It was too much for me to understand. It's just not right. And to top it all off, it's all flooding me in the same week, at the same time. Three precious lives that have meant so much to me in different ways no longer exist. Yesterday, I'm pretty sure I cried at the drop of a hat - all of it was weighing on me.

Today I had made plans to stay distracted. But what was really pulling on my heart was to face grief. I needed to spend the day with my parents and grieve this horrible day last year when I felt my brother die in my hands. I wanted them to know how much Brian was and is loved. I want them to know I'm still here, still hurting with them, still healing. So we cancelled our plans and headed to my hometown to my brother's grave. What a sight it was to see today:

So many people had already been there today. Notes, pictures, flowers, plants, keepsakes - everyone leaving pieces behind. We added to the bunch with letters from the kids, flowers and balloons.
It felt right to be there.

Inevitably, when I face grief, it all gets mixed together - I grieved for Brian, Jeremy, and Grandma Wanda today.
It was heavy, but necessary.

You'd think the more people you lose close to you, the better you'd get at figuring this stuff out. Turns out it doesn't work that way. It just sucks every time.

I'll be glad when the week is over.

Happy Birthday Bro

Just wanted to take the time to wish my brother Brian a Happy Birthday today - he would have been 27 today. The sting of his short life is still painful - almost 5 months and I've yet to really process the fact that he's gone. It became all too real for me when I finally got to see his grave today. It's beautiful and my mom and other family members have taken such good care of it and had it all decorated for his birthday

But, I just couldn't believe my brother was there. How is he under the earth? It's not right, he should still be here. I just can't make sense of it all. We drove out to Brighton to celebrate my other brother Matt's birthday (their birthdays are a day apart) - and I prayed the entire drive that he'd be able to enjoy the day and find some peace. We took him out to lunch, and it was good to be with family. Something about being all together that feels right. 

Sometimes, I have a hard time digesting all the crap that's happened in the last year. Some days I can be strong, some days I fall apart, some days I think about other things. Today, I just really miss Brian and his vibrancy, and watching him with his son, and play with my kids, and tell stupid jokes, and hang out.

Happy Birthday Brian! We miss you every day, we're really struggling to put the pieces of our family back together - we need you here! Hope you're enjoying a grand celebration today - can't wait to celebrate with you again someday.

I love you, bro.

helpless

Hello my love.
I think today was the first time in almost nine months that I've spent more time thinking about someone else other than you. But all those tiny pieces of my heart that were slowly starting to heal have been re-shattered again. I can't believe Brian didn't pull through. I wish I knew how many prayers it took to change God's mind and have mercy on a family. It's funny how knowing someone will never be around again, no matter how much time you spend with them, instantly makes you miss them and ache for them.


I've been having nightmares I just can't shake. Caleb must have gotten in bed with me at some point in the night and I rolled over once and thought for just a split second it was Brian. It scared me so bad, I jumped and it took forever for my heart to stop racing. His face will not escape my mind. 


I've never felt so helpless in my life. I stood by watching my brother die in front of me and there was nothing I could do to help him, protect him, or even trade places with him. And now, I feel helpless not knowing what to do in the aftermath. It's my loss too, sure, but I've already survived my worst nightmare - now my parents have to survive theirs. I want so badly to be useful but the truth is, my mind is still mushy, I still have trouble concentrating on things, and this obviously doesn't help. This whole thing is making me face the loss of you again too, which makes this entire experience just too much. Even having just experienced a tremendous loss recently, I feel like I have nothing to offer that comforts. Death sucks.


I just need your big arms around me right now. I've never felt safer anywhere else, and that's only place I want to be tonight. Ugh, I miss you so so much.
I love you forever and always.

Brian Arnett 12/4/84 - 7/25/2011

July 25, 2011 @ 1:21pm my brother Brian passed away due to complications of a drug overdose and drowning. I was holding his hand, along with the rest of our family.

I am at a loss for words tonight. Nothing make sense right now, and I'm hurting for my parents who just watched their worst nightmare becoming a reality today. I'm hurting for the loss of my sweet brother, who lost his life way too soon. 

 I love you, Brian. You were a great guy and an even better father. I wish they were some way to convey all that you mean to me, no matter how many miles apart we were. You had this magnetism about your personality and presence. It's hard to be a big sister and feel like I couldn't protect you, couldn't help you. I will hold on to the good memories and the special bond we were able to create over being parents. My kids adore you, they'll miss playing with you.

I pray you have found peace today, brother. I also pray that you found Jeremy, and that he slapped you for me for being such an idiot. Then, he'll hug you for me, and I hope you'll hug him back for me as well. I'm so unbelievably jealous that you get to see him first. It's not fair.

If there's one thing I know, it's that I know nothing. I have no answers, and very little understanding. But I pray good will come of your story and that many lives will be saved because of it. I know how hard you tried to overcome your battle, Bri, I really do. I watched you fight so many times. I'm thankful the battle is already won, and I pray that you can finally be rid of your torment. I love you so much, bro. Rest in peace.