grief is everywhere

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Today marks 6 months since my sweet friend Amy lost her husband, Jim. 

I've thought about her constantly over the last few weeks, mostly cause my heart ached remembering what the 6 month mark felt like for me. Probably the darkest place of my life.

This past weekend for the holiday, we did our annual trip with my parents to Kentucky for a family reunion, then stopped at King's Island on our way home. This was one of the few trips in my adult life that I got to take with my brother, Brian. The trip just isn't the same without him there, and I ached for his son who came with us, because I know how much he misses his dad. And even though it wasn't a conversation we had out loud, I ached for my parents and the grief I know they still struggle with. Since we didn't go last year, this was the first time back since he died.

Grief has been present this week, but oddly enough, the majority of it wasn't my own. It made me recognize that grief really is everywhere. And even though in theory we all know this, when I really step back and take it all in, it can be overwhelming and humbling. I wasn't able to see anyone's grief but my own. Now, it feels like I absorb others. 

My friends. 

My parents. 

The devastated families in Oklahoma. 

My nephew. 

My children. 

People on the news I don't even know.

I am not the only one on this journey of grief - which is oddly comforting to know, but awful to understand. 

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

Choose life.

As per my second annual post to my brother, I wanted to wish him a Happy Birthday.
Today, my brother Brian would have been 28.

Would have been. That past tense is killer. Just three words to make you come to screeching halt and realize he no longer is. It's hard to believe he's been gone for almost 17 months. Today I woke up thinking about Amy and all my friends that are suffering the loss of her husband Jim on Friday. Then my heart started aching for my mom & dad, brother Matt, and all the people Brian loved dearly.

All of sudden I realized that just more than 2 years ago I was just like everyone else. In just a short amount of time, I became a reference. A person who people think "I hope that never happens to me." I don't say that to gain pity...I say that out of the sheer shock that life can change at any moment. How did that become me? My friends and family haven't suffered enough loss?

I know that death is a part of life. And ultimately, death means that we have life. As I sit with friends grieving at Panera, or shopping for a funeral dress, or texting my parents and brother to let them know they're on my heart, or hearing the sounds of the last of Jim's family members coming into town and embracing one another in pure heartache - I am reminded that death is never far away.

Choose life. While you're here, choose to live. More importantly, choose to love. Or as my best friend Sarah so perfectly worded it: Make sure your default is love. Hold the ones you love a little tighter. Get rid of the distractions and follow through on promises. Keep your word. Keep in touch. Help a friend who needs it. Love without regret or restraint.

Love you, bro. Wish I could hug you and tell you in person. Know that you will never be forgotten and I promise your name will never be unfamiliar in our house. We love you and miss you dearly. Happy Birthday.

*****Don't forget that through the month of December, revenue collected from my blog will be donated to my dear friend Amy Lewis, who lost her husband suddenly last Friday. Each page impression will donate a small amount of money, so if we all keep clicking together, it will add up to a lot! Just since yesterday, we've raised over $2000 just in Paypal donations! Let's keep going! Please consider donating at the top left hand of the page to help ease the financial burden that Amy is facing. Thank you!*****

Happy Birthday Bro

Just wanted to take the time to wish my brother Brian a Happy Birthday today - he would have been 27 today. The sting of his short life is still painful - almost 5 months and I've yet to really process the fact that he's gone. It became all too real for me when I finally got to see his grave today. It's beautiful and my mom and other family members have taken such good care of it and had it all decorated for his birthday

But, I just couldn't believe my brother was there. How is he under the earth? It's not right, he should still be here. I just can't make sense of it all. We drove out to Brighton to celebrate my other brother Matt's birthday (their birthdays are a day apart) - and I prayed the entire drive that he'd be able to enjoy the day and find some peace. We took him out to lunch, and it was good to be with family. Something about being all together that feels right. 

Sometimes, I have a hard time digesting all the crap that's happened in the last year. Some days I can be strong, some days I fall apart, some days I think about other things. Today, I just really miss Brian and his vibrancy, and watching him with his son, and play with my kids, and tell stupid jokes, and hang out.

Happy Birthday Brian! We miss you every day, we're really struggling to put the pieces of our family back together - we need you here! Hope you're enjoying a grand celebration today - can't wait to celebrate with you again someday.

I love you, bro.

Brian

I know Heaven is supposed to be a place free of pain and suffering so I wonder what happens when you watch the people you love struggle with a tragedy like we did today.


I feel very numb today. I'm full of emotions: anger, confusion, love, agony, uncertainty, and just utterly sad. Brian was too young. Our family has endured enough. I thought we watched Brian cheat death over and over before so that he would rise up against it and change the world. He had the brains and the personality to do it. I know he had the desire. I'm so broken that he couldn't overcome his addictions.


Today, after they tried to test Brian's brain function with a breathing test and we came back, I knew it was over. He did not respond at all, and when we came back to the room, he was cold, pale, and stiff. I tried to move his fingers around mine like I had all morning to hold his hand, and I couldn't. It scared me to death. And within minutes, he was gone. I'm haunted by the image of my brother's face, and watching his stats suddenly go to 0. I will say that I am so so thankful I was there holding his hand. It allowed me to grieve him and you both, because I didn't get that chance with you. 


Today I begged and pleaded with God that Brian would not get to see you before me. I wanted to trade places with him desperately, my jealousy was so strong. But I pictured you smacking him for putting us all through this, and then embracing him like a little brother you never had, showing him around, and teaching him how to look out for the people he left behind.


You know how much I loved Brian, and how many prayers we lifted up together on his behalf, how many tears I shed worrying about him. I'm glad he isn't struggling anymore. But I've said it before - dying is easy. It's the surviving that sucks. 


I find myself grieving for both of you tonight, and it's a little more than I can handle. Life really does sucks sometimes. 


I miss you baby. Watch over my baby brother. I know you will.
I love you with all that I am.

Brian Arnett 12/4/84 - 7/25/2011

July 25, 2011 @ 1:21pm my brother Brian passed away due to complications of a drug overdose and drowning. I was holding his hand, along with the rest of our family.

I am at a loss for words tonight. Nothing make sense right now, and I'm hurting for my parents who just watched their worst nightmare becoming a reality today. I'm hurting for the loss of my sweet brother, who lost his life way too soon. 

 I love you, Brian. You were a great guy and an even better father. I wish they were some way to convey all that you mean to me, no matter how many miles apart we were. You had this magnetism about your personality and presence. It's hard to be a big sister and feel like I couldn't protect you, couldn't help you. I will hold on to the good memories and the special bond we were able to create over being parents. My kids adore you, they'll miss playing with you.

I pray you have found peace today, brother. I also pray that you found Jeremy, and that he slapped you for me for being such an idiot. Then, he'll hug you for me, and I hope you'll hug him back for me as well. I'm so unbelievably jealous that you get to see him first. It's not fair.

If there's one thing I know, it's that I know nothing. I have no answers, and very little understanding. But I pray good will come of your story and that many lives will be saved because of it. I know how hard you tried to overcome your battle, Bri, I really do. I watched you fight so many times. I'm thankful the battle is already won, and I pray that you can finally be rid of your torment. I love you so much, bro. Rest in peace.

Seriously?

I am serious need of some furvent prayers tonight. My brother Brian is on full life support right now after being found at the bottom of a lake. He was in the water at least 20 minutes and obviously had no signs of life when rushed to the hospital. We fear drugs are involved. Things are not looking good but he is on hypotherapy to keep his body cold and preserve any sort of brain activity he might have left for 24 hours. If he survives the night, they'll try to warm him up in the afternoon but we've already been warned that it doesn't usually go well with someone in his codition. There is severe damage to his lungs and brain. I'm at a complete loss right now. Please pray for my family, especially my parents. And for Brian's 4 year old son and his mom. I feel so helpless right now.

What is happening babe? The worst feeling in my gut reliving a lot of deja vu today - but enough is enough. I want to sit and hold Brian's hand forever I don't want to leave him to die alone like you did. His skin feels foreign and it doesn't fit the 26 year old strong tanned and muscular brother laying lifeless before me. I'm scared for my family cause I know the ripple effect death has, the daily agony is causes. And knowing that neither myself nor anyone else can do anything to fix it hurts most.

Could you put a good word in for us tonight babe? We're not ready to give up on Brian yet. It's terrible timing I think and we're still hurting. I can't do this again and I can't watch my family go through it either.

I miss you baby. I need you here with me to cry with me and hold me, make me believe things could be okay.
I love you forever and always