Seriously?

I am serious need of some furvent prayers tonight. My brother Brian is on full life support right now after being found at the bottom of a lake. He was in the water at least 20 minutes and obviously had no signs of life when rushed to the hospital. We fear drugs are involved. Things are not looking good but he is on hypotherapy to keep his body cold and preserve any sort of brain activity he might have left for 24 hours. If he survives the night, they'll try to warm him up in the afternoon but we've already been warned that it doesn't usually go well with someone in his codition. There is severe damage to his lungs and brain. I'm at a complete loss right now. Please pray for my family, especially my parents. And for Brian's 4 year old son and his mom. I feel so helpless right now.

What is happening babe? The worst feeling in my gut reliving a lot of deja vu today - but enough is enough. I want to sit and hold Brian's hand forever I don't want to leave him to die alone like you did. His skin feels foreign and it doesn't fit the 26 year old strong tanned and muscular brother laying lifeless before me. I'm scared for my family cause I know the ripple effect death has, the daily agony is causes. And knowing that neither myself nor anyone else can do anything to fix it hurts most.

Could you put a good word in for us tonight babe? We're not ready to give up on Brian yet. It's terrible timing I think and we're still hurting. I can't do this again and I can't watch my family go through it either.

I miss you baby. I need you here with me to cry with me and hold me, make me believe things could be okay.
I love you forever and always

Autopsy Results

On the one month anniversary of Jeremy's death, I finally received a phone call from the funeral home saying that the ME report was in and the death certificates were ready.

But I wasn't ready for the results.

Jeremy died a natural death due to Hypertensive Arteriosclerotic Cardiovascular Disease. Basically, Jer died of a heart attack from a coronary heart disease that he's likely had for years.

This was worst case scenario.

In fact, it wasn't a scenario I even considered. I knew natural death was a possibility, but I was thinking along of the lines of a brain aneurism or something (he had a terrible migraine the night before he died). I'm glad to finally have an answer, but this one is really unnerving to me. After I got off the phone, I sat and sobbed. A heart attack?!? At age 31?!? Jer was a big guy, but he was not obese, he was very active and strong. I had built it up in my head that this was likely an accident, that Jer had just slipped and fell from his tree stand. That was easier because I know accidents happen. A heart attack is not supposed to happen this young.

I'm glad to know that he wasn't being careless on his stand. And from all the reading I've done since yesterday and the people I've talked to that have a lot more knowledge about this than I, I know it was probably something neither one of us would have known anything about. It was likely more a hereditary problem than anything else. He likely didn't fall too far off his stand either, as there was not much exterior damage (broken bones, blood, etc.) And I do know it was quick enough that even Jeremy probably didn't even know what happened. 

I guess I am thankful for what this meant for Jeremy: symptom free (no pain), and a very quick death, out doing what he loved. Isn't that how we all want to go? 

I'm still infuriated that God didn't prevent this. Or keep his heart going for a little longer. I'm frustrated that when Jeremy was in and out of the hospital over the last year and a half for stomach issues, nothing was detected. There's supposed to be a reason for this, right?

It better be a good one.

Still Standing

 Another week has gone by, and I can't believe I got through. The only credit I give for that is to all the prayers that have been lifting me up. I can literally feel them sometimes. I usually get to the end of the day and think 'How on earth am I still standing?' Sometimes, I really don't know how.

There are still a million things going on around me. My world is spinning. I can barely remember what day it is, let alone what I'm supposed to be doing in it. A lot of things are changing, possibly including my home, more details to come. I still have a ton of errands to run, loose ends to tie, future to figure out, etc. I have friends in town to help and keep me occupied, which is good.

But my heart still hurts. Tomorrow will mark one month since Jeremy's death and I can't believe it. It feels like just yesterday and yet so much has happened since. If I had known the last kiss goodbye I gave him would be forever, I would have begged him not to go. Or I would have kissed him harder. I almost asked him to come home for a family night since he was gonna go back out hunting in the morning, but I always hated asking him not to go hunting, I didn't want to be that girl. He loved it, and I didn't want to take him away from it or sound like I was nagging. I wish had, just this once.

I find myself staring at the computer a lot most days. Facebook, my blog....like I'm waiting for him to show up somewhere. Or to watch the world go by without actually having to take part in it. I was reading through all my emails from Jer: some for random things, some love notes, others for fun. But when he got his Mac awhile ago, he found these icards that he started to send me. I thought I'd share.

They're hard for me to read, especially the first one, but I can hear his voice when I read them, so I've read them a million times. I can't read them without crying and thinking about all the anniversaries or holidays I'll never celebrate with him, but my hearts swells at how much he loved me. I never deserved it, but I knew that. He was by far the best thing that ever happened to me, and I don't know how to build a future without him. I'm afraid to be alone, but I can't ever imagine sharing a love like that with anyone else. I know it's not something to think about right now, but it terrifies me. How can I ever give my heart out like that to anyone, friends, family, or otherwise, when it can be ripped out from under you at any second?

I'm sorry if this blog has become widow central, but I honestly have nothing else to say. I don't know where else to go. I have nothing else to talk about, write about, or think about. I can't bring myself to change the info on my profile yet, I'm just not ready for this all to be real. I can't admit that the word 'widow' is associated with me now. Widows are supposed to be old ladies who have lived fulfilling lives with their husbands, who have watched their kids grow old with their spouse, who have reached milestones, anniversaries, and traveled together. Not a young mom with a baby on the way. Why now?  The timing just doesn't make sense, and is maybe the most unfair reality of it all. I want to kick and scream that this isn't fair - I wish it would make a difference.

I know love like that doesn't happen to everyone. I definitely knew I was lucky, but if I had known it was only going to be for such a short time, I would have savored it more, valued it more, and soaked up every ounce possible out of it. I wouldn't have taken a moment of it for granted. 

Right now, this is the only real hope and comfort I can find:

You will grieve, but your grief will suddenly turn to wonderful joy when you see me again. You have sorrow now, but I will see you again; then you will rejoice, and no one can rob you of that joy. 

John 16: 20, 22

Bittersweet

The last week has been madness. So many things going on, so many loose ends to tie, so many reminders of how my world has been flipped upside down.

I've been wanting to blog, but don't know what to say. I don't know how to go back to 'normal'. I don't know how to move on from all of this without sounding trite, or forgetting the affect this has on every facet of my life. I've been journaling and writing one long, continuous letter to Jeremy but a lot of it is uncensored, angry, and hard to swallow. And I didn't want every entry to be written to him, but that's the easiest way to get my feelings out and feel like he is still listening right now.

So, I guess I can start by telling you about my day yesterday. What a whirlwind! Some of you already know, but I got an incredible visit yesterday from the local radio station, Channel 955, who brought with them a truck full of Christmas presents, furniture, gift cards, food, a Christmas tree, and my sweet friend, Sarah, who nominated me for the "Breaking and Entering Christmas," for families who are experiencing misfortune during the holiday season.

They woke me up at 7am, and filled my living room with joy. I beg of you not to look at the pictures of the 7-o'clock-just-got-out-of-bed-crying-and-haven't-showered look I was sporting, but the podcast will give you a better idea, and you can hear the letter that Sarah submitted (which quoted this blog, btw):

http://mojo.channel955.com/cc-common/podcast/single_podcast.html?podcast=breaking-entering-christmas.xml

(There are 2 parts, both dated 11/30/2010)

I spent the rest of the morning on the phone, on Facebook, talking to everyone and anyone, watching my kids play with their new toys, and trying to walk through my house. It was craziness.

If that wasn't enough, some of the staff from our church came over to go over my finances with me. They've got some well educated people willing to help and I'm so grateful, as finances were my second biggest worry after our beautiful kids. They've allowed me to cut my debt in half already, just through making those horrible phone calls I didn't want to make. What a blessing.

I went on to tie up some more loose ends over the phone, while Sarah (my other amazing friend Sarah, who I've blogged about before, and is moving in with me) cooked dinner for friends coming over. After dinner, all our friends helped us pack up the basement to prepare for the demolition and remodel that some incredible people have volunteered to do for us. 

The truth is, I smiled more yesterday than I have in 3 weeks. I'm so grateful for all of these people that are doing so many things to try and ease the pain. But it is all bittersweet. Seeing my house filled with gifts made me wanna cry because Jeremy didn't get to see the joy on the kids' faces. Watching our financial burden decrease made me sad because Jeremy wouldn't get to benefit from it with me. Packing up the basement was hard, watching all of Jer's stuff get put aside, packed away, and taken down. I wanted to crumble knowing all these things that Jeremy wanted to do for his family were getting accomplished without him.

I went to do a load of his laundry before bed last night....totally oblivious to the impact it might have. I didn't think anything of it till I lifted up one of his dress shirts to my face, smelled the faint hint of his cologne, and my knees gave out from under me. I sat and sobbed over the basket of dirty laundry that I inevitably was unable to put in the washer to forever erase the scent of his presence. 

I hate that I had to lose everything that mattered in my life for these blessings to occur. I wish I could give them all back if it meant I could bring him back to me. People keep speaking of all the good that has come of this tragedy - I've seen so much already - and yet selfishly I can't find enough good to justify the suffering my family has to face.

Today, I am going to finally visit Jer's tree stand, the spot where he fell. Since he's buried in Canada, I wanted to have a place close by that I could honor Jeremy, and set up a place for the kids and I to visit, pray, talk, bring gifts, etc. I've already got a box full of letters and pictures from the kids. I know it won't be easy, but I feel like I need to be there. And I know Jeremy will be there with me.

Unfortunate events

Oh man, have I gotten lazy with posting. I promise my schedule has been jam-packed (even though I feel like I always say that). I have a few posts coming up that I'm VERY excited about sharing, but first things first:

1. Thank you to all of you who have offered up prayers for so many people that I love. Unfortunately, my Aunt Regina passed away last night after a very short (a few weeks) battle with lung cancer. Continue to pray for the family, especially her daughter, who is getting married in a few months. It's very sad for everyone. And they're way out in Wyoming now, so a lot of us won't be able to make it to the funeral. I know God has a plan and a seed has been planted for something beautiful to arise from this tragedy.

2. My sweet friend Sandy, who has been battling Lupus and now aggressive cancer is still in need of prayers as well. The good news is she has outlived her expiration date given by doctors, the bad news is her treatment didn't work. The cancer has grown and spread, and they're gearing up for more treatment. Please read about her incredible journey here.

3. Today, my grandma and cousin were rushed to UofM hospital for a broken hip and a burst appendix (separate incidences, obviously.)

I'm sorry that so many of my posts lately have been requests for prayer, but I'm grateful for all those who read, anyway. I promise I have other things to talk about very soon, even a few things I'm very excited to share. So bear with me!

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

The Power of Prayer

source

Yesterday, I received this text from my mom:

"Pray for Aunt Regina. She took a turn for the worst and is in ICU and they don't know if she will pull out of it."

My Aunt found out a few weeks ago that she has lung cancer. She caught pneumonia and it put her in the hospital. She is not conscious. My mom got a call today from my grandma saying that things are not looking good.

The hubs, the kids, and I sat down to pray for my aunt last night before bed. But those who know me know I believe in the prayer of numbers. I mean, how can I not?

Awhile back, I asked for prayers for my brother, and they were answered. As of right now, he is doing wonderful, working hard, found a new love, and most importantly, is sober. For that, I'm grateful. For the first time in years, I feel like my brother is back.

A few months ago, I asked for prayers for my sweet friend, Sandy who is battling stage IV Melanoma that has a 3% survival rate. As of yesterday, Sandy has outlived her expiration date of 3 months, and should going home soon. Her battle will continue, but praise God for the power of prayer for her!

So, I believe in prayer. And I have been blessed to have 'met' so many new bloggers who have prayed for me and my loved ones without even realizing the impact it's had on my life. Thank you.

I know that God has a plan for my Aunt as well. Her daughter is planning her wedding, and needs her mother around. Pray that God will give her the strength to fight and heal.

The Sunshine Song

Okay, I have a lot on my mind right now, so bear with me.

First and foremost, a huge thank you to everyone for the wonderful comments and prayers sent to my sweet friend, Sandy. Our congregation said a special prayer for her today and so many people have rallied behind her over the last few days. There is still so much we can do to help her and her family, so please read Sandy's newest post for updates and more information about her fight. And as always, continue to pray. She is upbeat, strong, and positive that she is going to kick cancer's butt!

The next part is connection to the first. This weekend, we had our preschool music concert. I have to admit that I was kind of bitter about having to give up a Saturday and stay behind from leading worship in Indiana with friends...but I was humbled and blessed by my kids more than I could have thought! And I got to spend some time with other sweet friends. Anyway, last week was jammed full of extra time and hours prepping for this concert, as I took on making the background for the stage. I didn't realize what a big task it was going to be (seemed pretty simple) but it took me three days to finish. Here's the end result:

I had no idea until we put it up how massive this background was! (it was more than 8ft. tall and took up about 2/3 of the stage) It looked great. The other thing I was asked to do was learn a Jason Mraz song to sing during the concert with my friend (and preschool director) Stephanie, called The Sunshine Song. I learned it the day before, but it actually went pretty well. If you've never heard the song, it's beautiful:

There was a line that really stuck with me this weekend:

"If this little light of mine combined with yours today....how many watts could we luminate? How many villages could we save?"

It's been replaying over and over in my head. A lot of negativity comes our way, but if we all sent out a ray of sunshine even half as bright as Sandy's.....or combined our lights together like my precious preschoolers....think of what a better place this world would be!

-Cue cheesy music-

I've decided I need to be more conscious of sending out rays of sunshine. Even the tiniest ray of sunshine can light up in the darkness. So, all around the neighborhood, I'm gonna let it shine....sing with me!

-End cheesy music-

Let's Come Together

Dear friends,

I have requested prayer before and am always blessed by the response. Today, I am asking special prayer on behalf of a dear friend I went to college with, Sandy.

Sandy is without a doubt, the strongest person I've ever met. For the last several years, she has battled many different complications as a result of Lupus. Recently, they discovered a mass in her neck and foot, and were testing like crazy to try and figure out what it was. And they couldn't. Finally, they gave her a diagnosis. This is from her blog:

 "I have Stage IV Melanoma. It has spread to my foot, my liver, my lymph nodes, and yet they still aren't exactly sure where it started. Here is the information you're thinking you should google: The 5 Year Average Survival Rate is only 3%, and the Average Time You Have Left (I bet there is a technical term for that, but time you have left gets the point across) is only 4 months."

Sandy is a wife and mother of two beautiful kids. She is strong and determined to be in that 3%, and I believe that the power of prayer will help make that happen! If you believe in prayer, please send a special prayer on behalf of Sandy today. Thank you. And check out her blog to learn more:

FRIDAY, APRIL 23, 2010

Tough day

For the first time in a long time, I am not looking forward to this Sunday.

Today is going to be a tough day.

It's been a long time coming, and I'm dreading every second.

I'm putting all my trust in God, that he knows what He's doing and will make the best of this situation.

Please send prayers for peace, direction, discernment, and guidance.

Thank you.

A day late and a dollar short

I know the title makes you think this is yet another depressing post from me.

Not today. =]

Just wanted to recap my weekend with my perfect Valentine....a day late. And since we're broke, we didn't celebrate (a dollar short). The kids and I did make this sweet card for him:

 Please excuse the photo quality, this was taken from my camera phone.

We had a very low key day. Just like any other Sunday, really. Church, then lunch with friends (our one treat for ourselves and about the only time we go out to eat anymore). Then, cleaned the house in preparation for friends to come over for Rock Band, then some guitar playing and girl talk (those happened separately, btw). 

Also, thank you to everyone for all your prayers this week, not only for myself but for our dear friends as well. I have felt prayer and it's amazing to have this avenue to connect through prayer with amazing women I would never meet otherwise.

My little dude is feeling much better, praise God! And, I think it's finally safe to say......drum roll please.....HE'S OFFICIALLY POTTY TRAINED!!! I don't know which news I'm happier about!

Like Father, like son.

Hope you all had a fantastic Valentine weekend!!! XOXO

A series of unfortunate events

One step forward, two steps back.

That's how it goes, right?

Well, yesterday was my two steps back. My day just started out rough. I was awaken by a little dude who was ON FIRE with a temperature of 106!!! After going up and down with fevers for the last few days, I woke up the hubs to tell him he needed to get the little guy to the doctor. I wasn't able to go with him, because I was having my preschool Valentine's day party. After running late for work (of course) and getting the kids together, the hubs had to drop me off at work. Realizing that it had snowed overnight and the hubs should have been up bright and early to plow at the college, he ended up taking both kids next door to plow snow while I was at school.

So, I'm scrambled. I'm worried about my chum. My assistant and I were frantically getting things ready. She had a rough start to her day with a leak in her house. We were both not wanting to be there.

Then, one of my students came in with his grandmother. We welcomed him in and knowing that his mom was due any second with her third child, we assumed she must have been in labor since she was not bringing her son to school. After asking him 'Hey buddy, did you mom have the baby yet?' we were met with cautious eyes by the grandmother, who put her hand up to stop us. She leaned forward to tell us,

"The baby died. She delivered yesterday morning."

How gut wrenching. Tears welled up in my eyes. I had just seen her, in her pregnancy glory a few days prior, everything was fine. Emailed back and forth about the baby that week, sending her well wishes. Apparently, she noticed mid afternoon that the baby wasn't making any movement. The chord has wrapped around her neck and had knotted. They went to the hospital only to discover that baby had died, then had to deliver it naturally. She has two boys, and this was her third and final child...a girl.

She has been flashing through my mind constantly since. I can't even begin to imagine what she must be going through. This morning, I sent the grandfather with a lasagna and a card....but it felt so pitiful and insignificant. What can you do for someone who has just lost a child?

Needless to say, it was tough to get through the day. Then we had to take the dude to urgent care after school, only to get antibiotics (he's still been very sick today).

Pray for this family, that God will provide healing and peace that passes understanding for this horrific situation.

Answered prayers and a Scrapbook Event

Thank you to everyone for you kind words, and especially, your prayers.

The power of prayer is awesome. Within hours of asking for prayers, they were being answered. The hubs and I sat down and made a list of things we could do to save money and earn money. This is what we came up with:

Ways to Save Money:

1. Have the hubs stay home in the am on Tues/Thurs and work pm so we can cut out paying the sitter - The hubs is going to discuss this option as a temporary fix with his boss. This will save us apprx. $180 a month.


2. Possibly pull Faith from preschool and see if our dear friend would watch her along with our son (who she is already watching) - This is a last option, but it would save us upwards of $50-80 a month.


3. Ask the director for discount on Faith's tuition, after all....I AM the head teacher there - I will be discussing this option this week.


4. Call Student Loan providers and discuss repayment options - I did this thinking I didn't really qualify for anything, just wanted to see what the options were....turns out, they told me I could pretty much pay back whatever I want per month or not pay anything for a year!!! We dropped our $275 a month loan payment to $75 - saving us $200 a month!!! WHAT A BLESSING.

Ways to Earn Money:

1. Get another job - Last night, I applied for two jobs with Lifetime Fitness in the Child Care Center. This would be an answered prayer, because it's part time, I would never work past 9pm, the kids could come with me to work, AND I'd get a free membership....this would earn and save me tons of money!!


2. Sell some stuff - I am working on putting stuff together for a Mom2Mom sale. This week, we're going through our house and posting stuff on Craigslist to sell. And, I'm hosting a Scrap Swap on Feb. 27th (I just came up with this idea the other day....and I think it will be amazing. Even if it only makes me a few dollars, it's gonna be really fun.

(if you live in the Metro Detroit Area and are interested in this event, please let me know!!!)

God is good. Thank you for your continued prayers as we work on our financial situation.

Prayers Needed

I am asking for specific prayer today for 2 major things:

1. As most of you know, I lost an income at the beginning of the year when I quit my job. The hubs and I started Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, which has been wonderful. HOWEVER, even though the last few weeks have been the most frugal of our lives, we still just can't cut it on what we make - it doesn't even cover bills right now. So my specific prayer is that God will provide us an opportunity to earn some extra income without having to sacrifice family (it's very hard when we only see each other for a few hours a few nights a week). I am going to put out some applications this week, I've been looking for anything and everything that I can sell in my house, we're talking about the hubs trying to work evenings a few nights a week so we don't have to pay the sitter while I'm teaching. It causes a lot of stress. There's no way around it...we can't just save money at this point. We have to make more money.

2. Tonight, I ask specific prayers for our dear friends. They're facing losing a job tonight as well, and I know they are worried about what the future holds. Ironically, this decision about his job effects our financial life as well (I won't give you the details, just know it's complicated). Through all this, we want to pray only that God's will is done.

Just knowing that people are praying gives you a certain amount of peace. So thank you.

Regularly viewed program interruption

Usually on Wednesdays, I update with Weight Loss Wednesdays.

Today, I'd like to take a break from our regularly viewed programming to ask for prayers for my brother, Brian.

Without going into too much detail (and there a lot of details), let me give you the background: My brother Brian, who is 25 years old, is battling addiction. His addictions have taken many forms and have been taking over his life for the past few years at least. My brother is one of the smartest, most talented, good-looking guys I know. He could go anywhere he wanted and basically do anything with his life, but serious addictions have disabled him from doing anything noteworthy (other than having a beautiful son 3 years ago).

He'd been doing good til recently. After his final court hearing from something that happened last year as a result of the influence of drugs, he got sucked back into bad routines and bad decisions, including life threatening habits that are affecting his family more than he could ever realize. My parents kicked him out of the house when they found out he was using drugs again, and he went missing. My parents called his probation officer and they sentenced him to 90 days inpatient only rehabilitation.

I have been hopeful. My brother has checked himself into rehabs and AA meetings on numerous occasions, always giving us false hopes of redemption. But he is very sly, smart, and able to get/talk his way out of painful situations allowing him to always come home on 'good behavior', etc. So an in-patient only rehab seemed like an answered prayer. He was dropped off last Wednesday.

Last night, he escaped the rehab center.

You read that right, escaped. As in, left without permission. Just walked out. Apparently, he thought he was above this place that's filled with convicts, rapists, oh, and addicts. Didn't call anyone from our family, though did manage to run into a cousin at the bar while he was surrounded by his 'drug' friends. So of course by this afternoon everyone, including his probation officer, knew about it. There is obviously a warrant out for his arrest.

I realize I am at risk of airing my brother's dirty laundry, but I need it off my chest. I've been praying for this kid constantly and questioning God's reasoning for letting my brother's talent and potential go to waste. There have been so many times when I've literally just waited for a phone call to hear my brother had an overdose or was left on the side of the road for dead (both have happened, btw). I'm sick of hearing excuse after excuse. I realize I cannot fathom the difficulty associated with overcoming that kind of addiction but he has more than enough people willing to help/pray/guide him along the way.

I believe in the power of prayer. And I believe in the strength of numbers. I know I'm not the only person praying for my brother, but I also know there can never be enough people praying.

Please pray for a powerful change in my brother's life. Please pray that he will wake up and realize that damage he is doing not only to himself, but also to his family and his son.

And pray that something will happen before it's too late.