Love is bigger

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I was thinking about Amanda's post last week on Widow's Voice comparing divorce to death and how perturbed it made me what some people have the nerve to say (you can read it HERE). I've been lucky that no one has been dumb enough to try to compare the two to my face....or I should say, they've been lucky enough.

Not even my husband, who has been through one of the most painful divorces I know of, tries to compare the two. Just as I don't ever try to play the widow card to trump the hurt and pain that he's gone through. We know they're different and both painful in their own right.

But in my own personal experience, I have recently really noticed the difference that those tragic experiences have played out for our children. I ache every time I realize that Jeremy is missing out on things in his childrens' lives and there is nothing that will ever fill that void. But there is one thing I'm always certain of: Jeremy was an incredible daddy and his children will never doubt the love he had for them. Now that our oldest girls have gotten to a place where they realize their biological mother is not in the picture because of her own choice, that is a much harder topic to trudge through. The questions of why dad was the one who did the things that moms were supposed to when they were little are hard to answer. Knowing that we look for opportunities to honor Jeremy and talk about him in our household is a stark contrast to the care and sensitivity we take to not expose the pain and hurt the runs deep (and unfortunately current) caused by a mentally and physically unhealthy person who wants other people to be as unhappy as she is. I never thought the ripples and scars left by that tragedy could be as complicated to heal as my own.

How could you choose a more painful experience between watching a child that has night terrors about their parents leaving them or a child who has a hard time trusting people because they don't feel safe with the person who is supposed to care for them the most? A child who asks why daddy had to die or a child that ask wonders if it was their fault that their mom never did their hair or bathed them and would leave for days at a time? Which is worse? The truth is, they both are and comparing the two only makes it more painful.

What is boils down to is that it's ultimately not about divorce vs. death, but it's about love. While I wouldn't wish a death of a spouse on anyone, I can say that I am thankful for the love that Jeremy gave me, and I would NEVER trade it, even if I had known I would lose him so soon. And while I certainly would never wish a divorce on anyone, I know that divorced parents are not DEAD parents. But to feel a parent choose to leave is a painful trail in and of itself. I get frustrated in either situation by people who abuse these experiences to hurt others, or put children in the middle of it. In my book, that's unacceptable. To feel unconditional love is to be given wings in a very heaven laden world. Love matters, and when you get to experience it, no matter how short of time you have it for, it changes you and the way you see the world. It makes the harder parts easier to walk through. It make life worth living.

At the end of the day, we love our way through grief and divorce when our children struggle, because love is bigger than both, and the only thing that gives us the strength to keep going. We might not always have the right answers, but we are sure they cannot be out loved.

In the end, love wins.

Would I still be your Valentine?

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Jeremy was never big on Valentine's day.

He didn't hate it. We didn't ban it. He just wasn't overly romantic. He tried to be, and did some very sweet things, but most of the time we were too broke to really do anything anyway. And yet, on this Hallmark holiday celebrating love, it brings those little moments rushing back as if it were a big deal. Cause he was a big deal to me.

Our first Valentine's, while we were still dating, I cut up hundreds of hearts and wrote different reasons why I loved him on each one. Every year after that, I re-used them in different ways, and would add more reasons why I loved him in the mix. I was thinking today that I'm not sure what I would add this year, because he's not evolving or changing anymore, I love him for all the same reasons. He is and forever will be the 31 year old, handsome and strong husband and father in my eyes. But then it also made me realize how much I have evolved and changed since then, and pieces of me that Jeremy will never get to see. And it made me wonder if he would love the girl I am now.

I don't love the way I used to. I'm more careful with it, but I also cherish it so much more. I'm more comfortable in my own skin. I actually enjoy cooking (who would have thought?!), and I know how to maintain a household pretty well on my own. I'm scared of things I didn't used to be scared of, and unafraid of things that used to terrify me. My support system has changed, my friends aren't the same. My priorities have shifted. My dreams and goals have evolved. Would you still love this version of me that has been beaten, broken down, and built back together?

Of course, I know the answer. Even though I'm not the same girl I was before he died, I know that essentially, emerging from grief has forced me to be a better version of myself....probably the version that Jeremy always saw in me. And even though I've grown for the better, I'm still me. I'm still the girl who has to sleep on the left side of the bed, who tries to please people too much, who quotes Friends in my head on a daily basis and then hears his laughter in the back of my head affirming how funny I am. I'm still the girl who wants Faith and Caleb to love the things their daddy loved, who cries at nearly every movie, and who holds onto all the precious and unforgettable quirks that he had. I'm still the girl terrified of fish, loves all things cotton candy, rollercoasters, pink, and slurpees. I'm still the girl that wants to tell our story. I'll always be that girl.

Yes, I am still convinced that no matter how much time separates us, no matter how much change comes between us, I would still be your Valentine.

beginnings and endings

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I am in the midst of reading a wonderful book called "The Color of Rain" by Micheal & Gina Spehn, which tells the story of how each lost their spouse and found hope and healing in each other. I am excited to read something that seems to parallel a lot of my own story, but it's also really neat to read because both of them are from the same town I live in, so it makes it even more personal and close to my heart. I even ran into Gina at Panera a few weeks ago in a weird twist of God's timing through a mutual friend. Very cool.

There is a quote from the book that I read yesterday about 5 times. Then, I underlined it. And re-read it. And made notes in the margins. Then I thought about it all day. Finally, I had to write it down. Gina was talking about the final days of her husband's terminal illness and the love that was developed through it:

"It was not physical or material. This love lacked inhibition and boundary. It was limitless and free of expectation or regret. It was effortless, all-encompassing love; given, received, and understood. I think it's rare in life to experience this kind of love. In any relationship it ebbs and flows, but once you've had it, you crave it like no lustful urge you've ever had. I was filled with it on my wedding day, and when I held my babies in my arms, and again when my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer. If only we had the ability to live life as thought it were so new or so close to the end that all we could do is give and show and become love. It seems that beginnings and endings teach us about this kind of love. It is in between that we tend to forget."

Okay, now go back and read it once more. Let it soak into your pours. Breathe it in deeply. Make it truth. Anyone who has had an experience like this knows the power in these words. It is what I have been trying to formulate words for and translate from my heart that I've been unable to do in the same way. But it could not be truer. When you lose something so precious, you crave to fill the space. You crave to feel something genuine, something authentic. Everything seems arbitrary up against something so important that you become frustrated with other people's pettiness. You lap up the moments that matter.

I am about to face another beginning - the beginning of my life with Steve. Facing this new adventure in my life brings me closer to that nostalgia of remembering what life is all about: love. So I'm more sentimental, I try to be more careful with my last words to people, I steal extra moments with people I love. And grief tends to keep you running along with the same theme and keeps it closer to you for longer. But that doesn't mean I don't fall into the 'in between' category every now and again. I catch myself doing it now and at the end of the day, I can recognize it in a way I couldn't before. And I start over every day. It's a pledge I made to myself and to Jeremy that this was the way that I would love from now on. My life is forever changed, so there's no way I can act like it isn't.

I needed to share this thought with the world today: Love fiercely.
Don't get stuck in the in between.

love makes a family

Love makes a family.

That was the phrase I saw on a t-shirt in Arkansas in a booth raising money for a family trying to adopt. As soon as I saw it, I knew I had to have it. I bought one for me, and one for Steve. Had there been children sizes, I probably would have gotten one for each of our 5 children. Cheesy, I know.

Since then, it has become a theme incorporated in my life, in our wedding, and in our family. In my life, blended families are outside of my knowledge or level of expertise and something I've prayed a lot about. But every time I think about this phrase, or read my t-shirt, it really breaks things down to the basics for me. Every once in awhile, I change it in my head to also say 'God makes a family.'

The truth of the matter is, I loved Steve's daughters before I loved him. I loved them way back when we were just acquaintances and our kids were just friends who hung out once in awhile. But my heart melted for them, and ached for them in their hurt. God allowed them to tug at my heart in many ways before I really understood why.

This weekend was a stressful one, and yet God once again showed me a future outside of what could have ever been my understanding before. These sweet, wonderful girls filled up my heart in so many ways. Zada had picked out a craft with some money she'd earned, which was a box of 4 stepping stones. She graciously shared them with her soon-to-be siblings and her sister and they each made a personalized stepping stone. It was her suggestion to make them for Jeremy and maybe we could take them to his memorial at the college - they all loved the idea. Heart squeeze number one. While we were making them, she thoughtfully asked "if Jeremy is a part of our family, what would he be to me?" Let me stop right there - the fact that these girls have already incorporated Jeremy into our family means more than I could possibly tell you. They understand what an important role he plays for me and my kids and I love that they ask me questions about him (Zada asked me last week if I remembered what the last thing Jeremy said to me was....and I loved being able to tell her yes, and sharing the story with her). I remembered that when we went to Jeremy's grave in Canada, she wrote him a little note on the balloons we took that said 'you were a great friend' so I told that since he was a friend to her when he died, he could stay that to her always. Heart squeeze number 2.

We took the stones to Jer's memorial. After that, they asked to walk around campus to see where Jeremy worked. We held hands and talked, laughed and raced, and watched Carter tumble his way around. Steve noted this precious time while we were all holding hands and said "I love this family." Heart squeeze number 3.
I grabbed Reagan's hand a little tighter and holding back tears, said "Yeah, we're pretty much rock stars."
Reagan smiled. "Yeah, pretty much."

It was the first time I remember taking a deep breath and feeling so proud of the family I had since Jeremy died. I always felt a sense that something was missing and that I would never be able to give my children a whole family again. But there we were, all together and complete, carrying Jeremy in our hearts as we walked around and shared stories of what he did and where he worked. It was so very precious to me.

When we walked down to Jer's shop, my ache was strong and my grief surprised me as I seemed to suddenly realized for the first time that this was place I last saw Jeremy alive. The last time I touched him, heard his voice, kissed him. The lump in my throat was huge as I showed Steve's girls where we used to sit at the picnic tables and bring Jeremy lunches in the afternoons and heard Faith and Caleb remember in such detail little pieces about their daddy and that campus. It was like two different lifetimes overlapping each other, two different loves coming together.

We continued walking together. We took the kids to McDonalds to eat and play. When we got back, we sat on the couch and played charades, laughed and tickled each other. Moments I will never take for granted. And every time I held one of those girls' hands, or played with their hair, or felt them crave my affection and attention, I thanked Jeremy for teaching me to love fiercely and to never again take my life for granted.

I'm so proud of our blended family. I know it won't always be easy. I know that there will be many challenges ahead, and I know it's not the family I ever had planned, but there's so much beauty there. So much healing and hope to be found and shared. I feel such purpose in this family God has made.

This family that love has made.

I'm Engaged!!!

 

I know some of you already know, and I haven't had a SECOND of free time to blog about it, but I'M ENGAGED!!! Steve proposed to me Friday afternoon (3/16/12) and boy was I surprised! It's not easy to surprise this girl, so kutos to Steve for pulling it off. And he had everyone involved. And I've been promising to write about this AMAZING engagement story.

I was going about my random day...doo duh doo...trying to figure out a shopping trip with out-of-town friends and getting ready for my day when my best friend Sarah calls me to tell me that her car broke down out where she had a photo shoot that morning and asked if I could come pick her up. So off I went, completely clueless, to go pick her up at Stony Creek Metro Park.

When I pulled up and saw Sarah, she asked me to park and get out cause she wanted to show me something. I thought it was weird and I started getting suspicious. (at this point, I thought Steve was on his way to Michigan in a few hours, not knowing he had been there already) Then I saw a rose on Sarah's car and I knew. She gave me rose, grabbed my arm and started walking. She said "You know how much I love you, right?" "Of course I do." "Good, as long as you know." That's all we could exchange. We walked a 2 mile path - yes, crazy long! But every 200 yards or so I was met with another rose being held by some of the most important people in my life: First, my sweet friend Dalaina and her husband Byron, whose friendship grew out of Jeremy's death and our ability to connect of very deep levels about life and love. She's one of my sweetest friends, but also a woman I strive to be more like. As Sarah handed me off to them, they started walking me down the path, telling me what I meant to them. Tears were starting to come as I started to realize what was entailed in this 2 mile walk. 

Next I met Sarah's parents, who have taken me in as their own, helped me with the kids, supported me, donated their time and advice, and have loved me and my kids a ridiculous amount. 

After that came Chris and Kristan: these two have shared so much history with me, children being born together (their daughter Tori was born the same day as Carter), and so many memories. They have loved me, laughed with me, challenged me, and taught me about life. 

Next was John and Bekka - these two stepped up and took care of me and my family when Jeremy died and have become some of my best friends because of it. They were the people I called on when I needed something, and I always knew they'd be there. They are some of the most self-sacrificing people I know. 

Next on the list was Adam and his sweet wife, Kelly: Adam is Steve's best friend since childhood, but he is also my minister. No, not just my minister, but a dear friend of Jeremy's who stood up to speak at his funeral, who came to my house to comfort me, who sat with us in the hospital as we watched my brother die, and did his funeral as well....Adam has blessed my life in ways he probably doesn't even know. And he's one of my favorite people. 

After that came Steve's parents, who drove up all the way from Indiana early in the morning to come support Steve and I and to tell me that they loved me. It meant so much to see them there and to hug them and to know that I will once again marry into a great family.

Next was Jodie. Jodie who without batting an eye, took care of every detail from the second Jeremy died without letting me know about any of it. She is the woman I go to for sound advice, for creative inspiration - I'm pretty sure Jodie knows something about everything! God placed her in my life with such purpose and to have her there was very special.

After Jodie came Chris and Vicki. These two were one of the couples that Jeremy and I spent a lot of time with, and who have continued to stick by me through my hardest days. They are good friends with Steve and currently live in the same town as him, so I know they will continue to be a couple that we spend a lot of time with.

Next came my family. My mom, brother Matt, and his girlfriend Kalee (my dad had to work) - they hugged me and told me how happy they were for me and filled up my heart to know they took the time to be there for this special day. 

And finally, stood Jeremy's mom and sister April. When I saw them from a distance, my knees got weak. I couldn't believe they were there - not because they're not happy for me, but because I know what it takes to go through grief and still support me in a new relationship. Their presence meant so much to me, and to know Steve took the time to ask them to be there just made me cry uncontrollably.

All these wonderful people, who are not only important to me, but who stand beside me in my relationship and support my happiness, even if it means facing grief they haven't dealt with yet. They each spoke to me, telling me why they loved me and some even wrote letters, but their presence said more than their words ever could. I continued to sob as Sarah met up with me on the path again and walked me down the final piece of it where I met the sweetest, most precious sight: Steve all dressed up, sweating in the unexpected hot weather, nervous and so handsome waiting for me. It is a vision that is very clearly burned into my mind as one of those snapshots I will take with me for the rest of my life. 

Through all that had just happened, I don't even remember what he said to me. I don't even think I officially said yes. All I remember is him getting down on one knee. This man that loves me for all that comes with me, accepts and encourages my still very strong love for my dead husband, loves my children, loves God, and whose character makes me want to be better. This man who grabbed my heart very quickly and who has very carefully held all the broken pieces of it and continues to help me put it back together. But also a man I cherish for all he comes with, for all he's been through, and for all he has become because of it. This man whose daughters have taken over my heart.

Our engagement will be a very short one. But I'm so thankful our stories have come together in such a way that it can only be a testament to God's grace and love. I'm thankful to have found someone Jeremy would approve of (he and Steve were friends, in fact) and who has proven to be someone I can't wait to share life with. I feel very blessed to have found two such men in my lifetime.

Oh yea, I can't forget to show you this AMAZING ring I got out of it too!

(I wrote about it on Widow's Voice as well, if ya wanna check it out)

love and be loved

Saw this today on Facebook and wanted to share:

"Happy Valentine's to all of those who feel like they are missing love, for those who are grieving love, and for those who are still searching for love. May God's unending love for you this day bring you comfort and peace."

I went back and read the Valentine post I wrote last year. Wow. What a completely different place I was in, and my heart was in such turmoil. It brought me back to those emotions and how raw they were...I was so bitter and broken. And again today, I felt a lot of sadness for not being able to share my Valentine's Day with Jeremy. I felt stuck in a place where I am happy to look forward to a future and thankful that I've found another Valentine that I am grateful to celebrate with, and yet feel an ache for the only other Valentine I've ever known. 

I haven't forgotten. But that ache has reminded me that there are so many people who need to feel loved. Not in a mushy, lovey-dovey way, but just knowing that someone cares. That's what this day is really about, right? Today, I am reminded of God's love and mercy towards me in my life over the last 15 months. It has filled me today.

I had a lovely Valentine celebration yesterday with my sweet date. He is very romantic and always treats me like a princess! But really it was just another reminder for me to love with everything I've got. And it has been my prayer, even long before I wanted to accept it, that others would be moved by my story to do the same.

My Valentine surprise yesterday...

Happy Valentines Day. May you love and be loved today.

myths about love

First of all, I want to say thank you to everyone for your support and encouragement. This whole 'dating' thing - while a step in a good direction - has been very nerve-wrecking and emotional for me and I've been anxious about sharing it. Because of the way news travels on the internet these days, I wanted to make sure word got out from me, in my words, before it came out from someone else. And that came at the sacrifice of getting the chance to really share it, in depth, with everyone I wanted to. But the response has been very positive and I'm so thankful that people understand my heart and support this new step in my life. Thank you.

This is the first thing I've done since Jeremy died that is solely for me. It was hard to officially step out into a new world outside of widowhood, it's been my identity for so long. And while it's for me, I oddly feel Jeremy's blessing of approval on it, as if he had some say in the decision. Maybe he did. I'm okay with that.

This is all new territory for me. I have no idea how to navigate this, and I never in my life imagined I'd be standing in this place. Luckily, dating for me at the point is not like it was when I was younger. I've seen the best and worst in life, I've got a family to protect. Steve and I, in all the crap we've experienced, have at least one luxury: cutting through a lot of trivial stuff and getting to important matters. We both know what we need and want for us and our families. We both know what works and what doesn't. We've been able to share a lot of deep and meaningful pieces of our lives early on because that's just where we're at in life. This 'widow dating for the 21st century' as I've jokingly referred to it as, is quite bizarre. It's oddly strange and healing at the same time, while opening more wounds that I have to nurse in between. Like everything else in my life the last 15 months, it's been a roller coaster. A good one, but emotional nonetheless.

What I've discovered since Jeremy died is that I believed a lot of myths about death and love that I didn't even realize. I believed I'd never survive living without my husband, without my best friend, without my lifeline. Yet, here I am. Still breathing.

I believed that finding happiness was somehow disrespectful to my grieving and to Jer's memory. Even though in theory it's easy to say that Jeremy would want me to be happy, it's hard to really feel that way. It's like that old bit where an angel is on one shoulder, while the devil is on the other: the angel is telling me that joy is from God and is okay because you loved, while the devil whispers doubt and guilt in my ear, telling me that if people see me happy, they'll forget my loss, they'll forget my love. And yet, through relentless nudging from Jer's presence and prayer, and the patience of those around me, I'm discovering the real truth in understanding joy more because I've experienced deep loss. It's a work in progress.

The next has been the hardest for me to de-myth. I used to think I could never give my heart away to someone else, because it would compromise what I shared with Jeremy. I thought widows who never remarried were ones that loved the deepest and could just never love someone like that again. This is a myth that could only be broken by experience for me. What God has revealed to me is that what Jeremy gave me was a gift. He taught me how to love. I promised myself long before I met Steve that if the opportunity ever came for me to have a second chance, and I wanted it, that I would give all the love I can no longer give to Jeremy. I owe that to my children and to Jer because otherwise it'd be a waste of what he's shown me to be true in life: Love fiercely, there's no other way to do it. I can love deeply because I have been loved deeply. It's still a struggle to really accept this as truth, but I have no other way of explaining it outside of God shaping me and opening my heart to see that there is room for more. It was His timing, not mine. It's His healing, not mine. It is His plan, not mine.

So, I'm trying to make the best of the time I have left here. Using the lessons of life and loss and love that I've learned in life to bring healing in some way, to someone. And the image of Jeremy waiting for me with open arms and eyes filled with pride for using what he gave me for good is one that keeps me going every day.





I'm making my way to you, baby. Little by little, I'm picking up those pieces of truth that you have been leaving for me. My goal has been and always will be to make you proud. To honor your life. To pay forward the love that you have shown me in my relationships. It's not an easy path to take, and so many parts of me still want to run and hide and rock back and forth in my misery. It's hard to look forward when you ache for the past. But because you have loved me, I have no other choice. Because you gave me such beautiful children, I have no other choice. And because I am making my way to you, no matter what, I have no other choice.


Facing all this has been overwhelming and has made me miss you so intensely. I wish I could see your face and hear your voice, just to tell me that everything will be ok. 


I love you always and forever.