If you think my hands are full, you should see my heart.

Well, I have totally been slacking on this blog, and I apologize. Several people have emailed and messaged me asking me if I've had the baby yet and if everything was ok. Everything is wonderful, I just haven't had the time to sit down and share with the world the new joy in my life.

It's taken me 3 weeks to blog about it, but Bayor Matthias enter the world on November 23, 2013 at 8:49am, weighing a whopping 9lbs. 15oz. and measuring 20 inches long!

He is absolutely perfect. I am head over heels for this guy, and so is everyone else is our house.

What a joy it was to watch his brothers and sisters fall in love with him. They're all so great and such a big help. And going through this has made me fall in love with his daddy all over again too. I had a moment of deja vu when I was getting the epidural, and I started to have a panic attack because Steve wasn't in the room yet and I was terrified that I'd be doing this alone again. I had pushed aside how terrifying that really was for the last 3 years, but it seized me in that moment. But when Steve finally did come in the room, he kissed every tear away and calmed me down until we both heard the beautiful cries of our sweet son....and the tears came over me again.

I found out after the fact how much God really was watching over me. I had prayed really hard to have a VBAC, since I've never gotten to experience having a vaginal delivery. I got so close the first time around and desperately wanted to go through that with Steve. The doctor was hesitant because I had had more than 2 C-Sections and because there is always a 1% chance that my uterus could rupture, which would be fatal to both me and the baby, but he agreed to at least try if that's what I wanted.

Well, God didn't answer my prayer for a VBAC, but answered an unspoken prayer and saved my life and Bayor's. I was the 1%. As it turns out, the doctor found a tear in my uterus when he delivered Bayor. He said something about it to Steve at the time of birth, but didn't make it sound like too big of a deal. But the next morning he came into my hospital room to tell me how lucky I was to be here and that if I had gone into labor, or if anything out of the ordinary had happened, it would have been fatal. The tear was about 2 inches long and spanned across my stomach. He said that the only thing holding Bayor inside was the lining of my stomach. He also told me it was a good thing I had my tubes tied during the procedure, as having more kids in the future wasn't really an option any more.

After the doctor left the room, I started reading more about it (I was kind of in shock when he was talking and didn't ask enough questions) and just started balling, realizing how God had His hand in it. Even now thinking about it is a very sobering thought. I am ready to see Jesus, but my family needs me and the thought of our kids going through another loss so close to home makes me sick to my stomach. 

Now here we are, home safe and sound, grateful and happy. Bayor was very swollen when he was born and dropped a lot of weight before he came home, so he's only now getting back up to his birth weight. But he is a wonderful baby with a very chill and sweet demeanor.

He has already brought so much joy in our lives and I love watching the way he has brought our family even closer. What a blessing.

I mean, seriously. Look at those faces. 

"If you think my hands our full, you should see my heart."

(not so) ordinary life

My favorite picture of Jeremy with our precious first born

And so the countdown begins...

In 56 hours or less (not that I'm counting or anything), I will be holding a new little life in my arms. One small person I helped create. One tiny little reminder of what life is really all about.

My sweet little baby boy has no idea what his life represents already in this world. In a place that can be so cold, sometimes stabbing, unfair, and down right hopeless...my little miracle is a reminder that life can and will go on, and that it can and will be beautiful again.

This afternoon, I was watching my 7 year old concentrate so hard on her homework, trying to write sentences. As I watched her expressions, the curves of her face, the movements of her body, I was in awe of the fact that she used to be this 6 pound little miracle that introduced me to motherhood. I felt her daddy beam with pride at her inside me and I just couldn't stop taking her in. Memorizing all the pieces that are just her - how did she all of a sudden evolve into this beautiful young lady?! I had several of these moments today with all of my children. Maybe it's hormones, or maybe it's the clock ticking away reminding me that once again I will hold a new baby and blink an eye and he'll be 7 years old....but whatever it is, I'm trying to hold on to as many moments as I can.

I continue to be reminded of what bittersweet really means. The life of a widow seems to be plagued with this word. But maybe it's the bitter that makes us appreciate the sweet. And maybe we can only experience real bitterness because we've tasted sweet. 

One of my favorite quotes is "time stands still best in moments that look suspiciously like ordinary life." This epitomizes my journey. The moments that I remember and hold most dear in life really aren't the grand ones (although those are great too) but they're the ones where life stands still for just a moment and I'm able to observe and appreciate what life still brings.

I honestly cannot wait to start memorizing all the details of my son's features, hold his tiny hand, and soak in every moment I can before they slip away.  I'm excited to watch my used-to-be-broken family put one more piece back together. 

I'm ready to live out the rest of this not so ordinary life.

A letter to my little poppy

To my sweet little poppy,

As it stands today, I am 33 1/2 weeks pregnant and this is the first time I've been able to write these words down. They've been navigating my heart and swarming in my brain since the day I found out about you, but I haven't let my fingers get it all out.

You see, the last time I wrote a letter to my unborn child - your soon to be big brother - tragedy struck and paralyzed my heart for a long time. I lost sight of a lot of things and had to navigate my way back to reality one short and difficult breath at a time. But this letter is not about that tragedy. This letter is about the miracle that is YOU. Being afraid of losing you or people that I love couldn't dare stop me from taking the opportunity to express to you my joy and anticipation that you have already brought to this world. I'm just sorry it took me so long.

You, my precious baby boy, represent so much in our family already and you don't even know it! You epitomize redemption, healing, love, and already you have brought our family closer together. Just the idea of your arrival has changed our world. And what an unexpected and beautiful change is has been.

Your daddy and I never intended to have you. Coming together with 5 children seemed crazy enough and our house was already bursting at the seams. But God always seems to have better plans than the ones we create for ourselves. When He put you on our hearts, we knew it would be worth every sleepless night, every corner of space we would lose, every tear, every dirty house day, and every exhausted evening.

It is my prayer that by the time you are old enough to read this letter, you will understand the uniqueness that is our family and learn about the joys and trials that blended our family together, but that you will feel nothing short of unconditional love. Your brain might understand some of the broken pieces that create our family, but your heart will only know of the completeness that was and is the result.

From day one, this pregnancy has been completely different. Nausea like I've never experienced before, weight gain in all the wrong places, aches, pains - it's so funny how I thought I knew what was coming, and you continue to be a surprise! But every time I feel you kick or giggle at your hiccups (which you get ALL the time!) all those things melt away and I soak up every precious moment of you. You are so well loved. Your brothers and sisters are going crazy waiting for you to come out already! They love to read to you, talk to you, kiss you good night, pray for you - you are a very important piece of our family.

Life has been so crazy these last 7 1/2 months, we barely have anything ready for you! But I know it will all come together and you will never know the difference. I also want you to know how excited your daddy is to hold you and rock you to sleep. He is such a blessing in my life and I pray every day that God keeps him safe and in our family for many years to come. He teaches me so much about love, service, humility, hard work, and God - and I pray you grow up to learn the same qualities from watching him. I'm afraid once you get here, he may not put you down for the rest of us to hold!

I can't wait to see what you look like, to see what pieces you posses from each person in our family. I know you will be beautiful. I can't wait to see the look on your daddy's face, and on the faces of your brothers and sisters. And I absolutely cannot wait to watch our family evolve and grow and love because you are in the world.

I love you, sweet baby boy.

Love always,
Mommy

and baby makes EIGHT!

Little poppy - officially due November 30th!

It's been several weeks now since Steve and I announced that we were pregnant with baby #6. I've been wanting to sit down and write ever since then and for some reason (plus 5 other reasons), I haven't been able to.

Lemme start by addressing the very rude comment I received after we posted the video:

"we don’t love the idea of having 6 kids"
If you cannot financially afford another child, please do not do so! Seriously, I do not want to pay for your baby. Just because you can, doesn't mean you shouldnt. It won't fix things. Filthy.
I hope things work out for you :)

First of all, I love the smiley face at the end...like it's supposed to undo the hurtfulness that proceeds it. I also love how this person who continually writes ridiculous comments (most of which I delete) can never quite figure out their grammar or how to spell properly. When we addressed having kids in our Q&A last year (you can read it HERE), we were both on the same page about not being ready to have more kids. But before I go into detail about how that all changed, I would like to point out that our decision has nothing to do with finances, and I'm not exactly sure how anyone thinks they are paying for OUR children! Our decision to have a baby was not to 'fix' anything, but rather to celebrate our family and our relationship. It was not a decision made it haste, but one that came through a lot of prayer and discernment. If you also read in that answer, I talked about someday wanting to adopt, so adding another person to the household was never really off the table. If you don't want to live at my house with six kids...well, you're not invited anyway, but you certainly don't have to! You make your own decisions and I won't judge and how about you offer that same grace to others, ok?

I won't continue to waste any more breath on that comment. The only reason I even published it was because I know others (who are much less rude) were also curious as to how we came to a place of not wanting more children to embracing the idea of one more. Now that is a topic I am happy to talk about.

Ever since last year, Steve has always mentioned the idea of having another baby. I chalked it up to the fact that he LOVES babies and always wants to be holding one (sometimes he borrows friends' babies at church just to hold them), or the fact that we are both curious what it would be like to have a child together. We love our children and we think they've blended really well together, but we always talk about redeeming my last pregnancy and giving Steve the opportunity to experience the pregnancy of his child the way a father and husband is supposed to, since he really missed out on a lot of that before. But again, I continued thinking this was playful banter.

But then Super Bowl Sunday brought us to a friend's house to hang out, and another couple from church brought their brand new baby girl along with them. I kid you not, Steve held that baby at least half the time we were there, maybe more. And it suddenly dawned on me that maybe Steve really would love to have another baby. The drive home really felt like Deja vu....so much like the drive home from Canada when Jeremy and I talked about having baby #3. I cried, I prayed, and I had to open up my heart to the possibility of having another baby. Because it was a door I never really opened, I had some grieving to do. Grieving for the fact that I might have a child that would not be associated with Jeremy, and grieving again the loss of experiencing this journey without him. But as Steve and I talked and prayed through everything, my heart leaped at the exciting possibility of creating life with him and walking through this journey with him, and with our kids....who at this point, had been begging us to have more kids!

I won't lie - I am scared to death of being pregnant. I am terrified to reliving the past and losing everything. But I know I cannot let fear captivate me and keep me from living life to the fullest. I told Steve as long as he could be patient with me and handle my PTSD, I was willing to venture into this very scary unknown. After I found out I was indeed pregnant (btw, once we decided to go for it, I was pregnant within 2 days...CRAZY!) I couldn't sleep for a few days. I get anxious when Steve is away from home and I don't hear from him for awhile. I worry that once I hit the 6 month mark, I may be a hot mess. But then again, maybe not. Watching Steve get excited, and watching our children get excited has eased so much anxiety for me....and it's contagious. I AM GOING TO HAVE A BABY - this is good news no matter what kind of package it comes in!

We are thrilled to bring our family together in a solid way that no one can take away from us. We are honored that God has given us the privilege to once again care for another one of His children. Our kids could not be more excited...they kiss my belly on their way to school (yes, even the oldest!), they ask me constant questions about how I'm feeling, how little poppy (the baby's nickname) is doing, praying for us both every night...it really is the sweetest thing.

I really couldn't think of a better Mother's day gift this year than to know the love I receive will be getting multiplied by one more beautiful miracle this year!

A crazy new twist...(dun dun DUN)

I wanted to take the opportunity to post this video here. It's pretty awesome, if I do say so myself :)

More to come in the near future about this crazy and beautiful new twist in our journey....stay tuned! :)