A letter to Peanut

My dear sweet Carter,

This is by far the hardest letter I've ever had to write. I'm not even sure where to begin. Just three days after I wrote your last letter, I experienced my absolute worse nightmare: I lost your daddy, the greatest love of my life. And I've been drowning ever since...

Oh sweet boy, I can't describe the pain my heart feels when I think about the fact that you will never know the incredible man your daddy was. In your last letter, I told you I'd never be able to do this without him, and I really don't know if I can. I've never been so scared of anything in my life. So many things hurt to think about, but this is the hardest by a mile. Your daddy was supposed to be the first to hold you, like he was with Faith and Caleb. He was supposed to be by my side to welcome you into the world, love you, raise you, show you how to be a good man.

I wish I had something inspiring to say to you right now to take with you, but the truth is, I'm hurting too much. I'm trying so hard to stay strong for you and your brother and sister, but this is just not fair. There's no better way to say it: it's not fair. You don't deserve to grow up without a daddy. He was soooo excited to meet you. He was already dreaming of taking you and Caleb hunting and fishing, shooting and hanging with the boys. I just simply cannot be those things for you. I know I have to fill the role of two parents now, and I'm completely terrified. I depended on daddy for so much, I feel so lost right now.

If there is one thing I can say, it's that I promise to keep daddy's memory alive for you. I promise that you will know his face, and he will be a regular part of our daily conversation, because he will always be an important part of our family. I will try my hardest to make him known to you, so you can witness the impact your daddy had on the world, and you can still learn from his example. Another thing I can say is that you are loved. So many people are stepping up to watch out for us and take care of us. But I truly believe all of that is a direct result of the man your daddy became. A man who loved God and loved his family.

I may only have half a heart left right now, but I promise to give all that I have left to you. Please forgive me if I can't always be what you need in life. I truly don't know how I am going to do this, but I know we'll survive, somehow. We have to, or I'd have died of a broken heart by now. Daddy really has become our angel, and I know he's already looking out for us.

I love you, baby boy, and I will try my hardest to get us through this together. I hope the strain and stress of this great tragedy has not affected you too much. I have a feeling though, that you're already much stronger than I am.

I love you, Carter.

Mommy

Halfway there...

It’s hard to believe that 20 weeks have already gone by. It has flown by. Maybe cause the news still seems to be sinking in.

I’m okay with that, though. It’s the last half I really want to savor.

Everything’s going great. I’m extremely tired still, but that’s mostly because of how much I’ve been working. Do what I gotta do.

Carter’s movements have really been getting stronger and more consistent this week. I’m feeling him move and roll. If there were ever a sensation that would NEVER grow old, that would be it. I can’t wait till he starts kicking hard enough for the hubs and the kiddos to feel. I think the kids are gonna freak out!

I love that Carter has become a member of our family already. He’s part of the kid’s prayers, and he’s in every family drawing they’ve made since they found out the news. Faith gives my belly Eskimo and Butterfly kisses every night, and Caleb gives my bellybutton a huge, hard kiss before saying good night to his little brother. This little guy is one lucky dude, so many people who already love him so much.

Faith asked me tonight when I was gonna start breaking the house. When I asked her what she meant, she replied “Well, you keep getting bigger!”

Well, great.

All in all, I can’t complain. Doctor seems to think everything is going good so far. I WILL start soliciting prayers, however, for Carter to come on his own. That is my only chance for a vaginal delivery, which I am desperate to have. I’m doing as many kegel exercises as I can, and I will start some of my stretches very soon. They won’t induce me since I’ve had 2 C-Sections, and they won’t let me go too far past my due date, since I had gestational diabetes with Faith, so this guy needs to be punctual! The more prayers, the merrier!

Peanut

I realized that I announced my pregnancy a few weeks ago, but haven't given an update yet. I also realize I promised not to turn this blog into baby central, but this is MY blog about MY life, so a few updates here and there are inevitable.

"Peanut" is no longer the size of a peanut. Though that will remain the baby's nickname until we found out when we're having, at 13 weeks, baby is about the size of a peach.  A peach still seems pretty tiny to me, but it's big enough to have my belly popping out already! I definitely popped about 11 weeks, but hey - this is my 3rd time around! Here's my progress:

4 weeks:

6 weeks:

8 weeks:

10 weeks:

12 weeks:

But at least I now am starting to look pregnant and not just 'bloated'. This pregnancy has already proven to be much more challenging than the first two. I've felt very ill and fatigued. But doc says everything looks healthy and that's all that matters. I'm looking forward to finally being into my 2nd trimester, where pregnancy really gets fun. I've gained about 5lbs, which is right on track. 

I've made the decision to work full time between two jobs at least up through the end of the year. It is my goal to pay down some debt before peanut arrives so that the added cost of another child will not bog us down. It sounds spoiled, but this is first time since I've had kids that I've had to work full time and I'm a little worried at how my pregnant body is going to handle it (not to mention, it bums me out to think about how much time I'll be missing out on with my kids). But it's for a short season and I know it needs to be done.

All in all, I am looking forward to the months ahead. It'll be nice to feel like we're getting on a good financial track, and preparing for this little Valentine (due Feb. 14). I can't wait to find out what we're having! I'm far too impatient to wait! =]