A letter to Peanut

My dear sweet Carter,

This will be my last letter to you before I get to see your beautiful little face. I have a C-Section scheduled for February 8 @ 8:00...only 8 days away. I'm filled with so many different emotions I don't even know how to articulate them all.

First and foremost, I'm scared. No, terrified. Last weekend, I started having anxiety attacks thinking about going into labor without your Daddy. It's ironic that I've wanted to have a natural birth since day one, and now the thought of it scares me half to death. I don't think I can emotionally get through it without Daddy by my side, he was my rock and the one who made me feel invincible. I talked to the doctor about it at my last appointment, and my anxiety on top of my high blood pressure added to the fact that we think you're already gonna be a big boy, we thought it best to get you outta there. You're taking a toll on my body, buddy. I know of a lot of it is my emotional pain converting into physical pain, but either way - I'm ready for you to come out!

Pregnancy is supposed to be a magical time. I feel angry for both of us that we got cheated out of that because I've had to focus all my energy just on getting through the days without falling apart. I've found myself in the deepest pits of despair, on my knees worried I may never get up. This is not an experience either one of us should have to be going through right now. I'm trying to take care of you. If Daddy were here, he'd be easing my pain with foot massages, back rubs, and taking good care of us both while getting so anxious to meet you. I don't really have anyone to share this with anymore. Faith comes the closest, and she is so excited to meet you and help me take care of you. But of course, it's not the same.

Even though fear is at the top of my list of emotions right now, I don't want you to discount my excitement for meeting you, baby boy. Am I scared? Definitely. Am I worried? Yes. Am I already totally in love with you? Without a doubt. I'm really just focusing on surviving the day, but I promise to do my best to love you and provide for you no matter what.

I really can't wait to meet you, to see your handsome face and remember what I was doing this all for in the first place. And as much as it hurts to not have Daddy with us to greet you into the world, I know he'll be by my side watching over us both. I hope you look just like him. I can't wait to tell you all about him.

I can't be everything you need, but I promise to be everything I can be. Please just come out safe and healthy, and we'll take it from there.

I love you, Carter.

Mommy

A letter to Peanut

My dear sweet Carter,

This is by far the hardest letter I've ever had to write. I'm not even sure where to begin. Just three days after I wrote your last letter, I experienced my absolute worse nightmare: I lost your daddy, the greatest love of my life. And I've been drowning ever since...

Oh sweet boy, I can't describe the pain my heart feels when I think about the fact that you will never know the incredible man your daddy was. In your last letter, I told you I'd never be able to do this without him, and I really don't know if I can. I've never been so scared of anything in my life. So many things hurt to think about, but this is the hardest by a mile. Your daddy was supposed to be the first to hold you, like he was with Faith and Caleb. He was supposed to be by my side to welcome you into the world, love you, raise you, show you how to be a good man.

I wish I had something inspiring to say to you right now to take with you, but the truth is, I'm hurting too much. I'm trying so hard to stay strong for you and your brother and sister, but this is just not fair. There's no better way to say it: it's not fair. You don't deserve to grow up without a daddy. He was soooo excited to meet you. He was already dreaming of taking you and Caleb hunting and fishing, shooting and hanging with the boys. I just simply cannot be those things for you. I know I have to fill the role of two parents now, and I'm completely terrified. I depended on daddy for so much, I feel so lost right now.

If there is one thing I can say, it's that I promise to keep daddy's memory alive for you. I promise that you will know his face, and he will be a regular part of our daily conversation, because he will always be an important part of our family. I will try my hardest to make him known to you, so you can witness the impact your daddy had on the world, and you can still learn from his example. Another thing I can say is that you are loved. So many people are stepping up to watch out for us and take care of us. But I truly believe all of that is a direct result of the man your daddy became. A man who loved God and loved his family.

I may only have half a heart left right now, but I promise to give all that I have left to you. Please forgive me if I can't always be what you need in life. I truly don't know how I am going to do this, but I know we'll survive, somehow. We have to, or I'd have died of a broken heart by now. Daddy really has become our angel, and I know he's already looking out for us.

I love you, baby boy, and I will try my hardest to get us through this together. I hope the strain and stress of this great tragedy has not affected you too much. I have a feeling though, that you're already much stronger than I am.

I love you, Carter.

Mommy

A letter to Peanut

My dear sweet Carter,

It's hard to believe that my third trimester has already arrived. I'm terrified that we're not prepared for you, and yet more ready than ever to see your beautiful face. I can't wait to hold you. One thing I've learned about being a mother is that when my children are away from me for any period of time, I ache to hold them. And I'm already aching to hold you.

However, I'm enjoying these moments while they last, since I know they will be my last. You have really started moving lately, and I have to say it's something that will NEVER get old. Not in the middle of the night, not ever. It's the most incredible thing about being pregnant and I could just sit and feel you all day. Which is what Daddy and I do almost every night. We sit and watch you move and shake my belly before bed. Sometimes I'm afraid to move to put my hand on my belly in fear that you'll stop. Which is why your brother and sister haven't felt you yet (and the fact that they're too impatient to hold still and wait for it).

The thing that has been filling my mind and heart lately is how much you will be loved by your big brother and sister. They are so excited to meet you! They're already fighting over who's gonna to hold you and feed you. They pray for you every day, they include you in the family photos they draw, the words they know how to spell - you are already present and precious in their lives. What a lucky little guy you are to have these angels in your life already protecting you.

Speaking of angels, I must also mention what a blessing your Daddy is as well. Other than feeling life inside me, by far the coolest thing about being pregnant is sharing the experience with him. He's such a support, and he already loves you more than words. He takes such good care of me, I'd never be able to do this without him. He has big plans for you, buddy. Watch him carefully, and he will show you what it means to be a man of God who loves his family fiercely.

The fear of the unknown is still present. We still haven't even agreed on where we're going to put you! But now it seems as though you've always been a part of our family, I just couldn't imagine it any other way. I can't wait to welcome you to the world, baby boy.

I love you, Carter.

Mommy

A letter to Peanut

Every year, I write a letter to my children on their birthday.
I also wrote to them when I was pregnant.
I would like to continue this tradition, and you're invited to read along.


My dear sweet Carter,

There's something about knowing your name that makes it so much easier to write to you. I've been wanting to write to you since day 1, but wanted to wait til I could address it with your name. Carter Jackson. My little peanut.

This entire journey for me so far has felt new. Nothing has been familiar, completely different than my first two pregnancies. It's been so special to feel like all these stages and milestones are new again. Even though I've been feeling you move for awhile now, I still wake up every morning so excited for the day when you really kick, to feel life alive inside me.

What has really been new about this journey is how you came to be. I thought my family was complete. I thought I was happy with 2 kids. Then one day, it's as if God tapped me on the shoulder and said "What if you're not done yet? You still have more love to give." You see, Carter, Mommy was being selfish. Sometimes I got tired of chasing after kids. Sometimes I got lazy and didn't want to read books before bed. Sometimes I got selfish and wanted time for me. I thought I didn't have room to add any more responsibility. But I felt the weight of selfishness on my shoulders and knew that God had bigger plans for me and my family. Even in the midst of my selfishness, I gave God a very small window of trust and control, and He knew that's all I needed. God had YOU planned all along...

And I'm so thankful. Already you have turned my world upside down, making me reevaluate my life and what I really want. You've set my priorities back to leaning and trusting in God's wisdom. When I look back at all those things that took up my time and made me tired, I wouldn't trade any of those moments. Those were the times that tried me, shaped me, molded me, challenged me, and made me see what life is really all about. "Life is the messy bits." I know this to be true wholeheartedly.

I can't deny that I'm nervous. A little scared, even. Unsure about how our lives will adjust, what rhythm our family will take, and where we are going to put you! But I rest as ease knowing you will complete our sweet family. I don't deserve you, but here you are. You deserve better than me, but I promise to give you everything I have. We were meant to be together, and I can't wait for the day you become my Valentine.

I love you, Carter.

Mommy.