Dream on

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The dream world has always been a funny topic for me.

I dream A LOT. Almost every morning I remember my dreams, usually more than one. They're sometimes crazy weird, sometimes scary, usually in some way incorporates things I've been thinking about throughout the day or weeks. 

Only recently have I discovered that I sometimes mumbled in my sleep (nonsense), giggle when I'm dreaming about something funny, or shake and breath differently when I'm afraid. Jeremy was such a deep sleeper that I don't think he ever noticed if I did these things (although I caught him talking in his sleep a few times, which was always hilarious). Steve, however, is one of the lightest sleepers I know and wakes up every time I move a muscle. He's had to wake me from a few bad dreams - I seem to be having quite a few lately.

Oddly enough, I've been dreaming about Jeremy a lot over the last few weeks. After he died, I dreamt about him often, constantly begging God to let me see him in my dreams. But it was never in the way I wanted. He was distant, never came close enough for me to touch him, but would give me these deep looks of pain and apology that would leave me aching in the morning. Then, gradually over time, my dreams would just come every once in awhile. I don't know why he's been coming back in my dreams so much recently. Perhaps getting past the 2 year mark was a big milestone and I was thinking about him constantly. Perhaps like the rest of my dreams, it's manifesting an understanding I can't work out when I'm awake or in real life. I don't know. 

What I do know is that Jeremy is changing in my dreams.

Has any other widow(er) had this happen? I feel like I always have this sense that no matter what the dream is about or where we are, I can feel him in real time - like he's opening my eyes to something. I've never been hokey about dreams before, but after Jeremy died, I knew there was purpose in me seeing him there. 

At first, he wouldn't come close. He would stay far away and apologize or I would beg and plead for him not to go from a distance.

Then, he finally got in close enough that he put his arm around me once. But the closer he got, the weaker he seemed and I always dreamt of the injuries he endured from the fall after his heart attack, or I would worry about his heart. Or I knew that he wouldn't be staying alive long and I needed to do or say as much as I could before he left.

Then he got closer and intimate enough to hug me and tell me he was so happy for me when I found Steve. And there was no pain, just that beautiful smile of his. What a gut-wretching blessing of a dream that was.

Throughout the changes in my dreams, though, I felt him grow. I felt any anger he ever had gone from him and he always seemed at peace, even if he was sad he couldn't stay with me. He matured somehow in my dreams, like the essence of Jeremy but in the form that God created him to be. It's hard to explain.

Lately, he appears in my dreams like a lot of normal characters in my dreams. He'll be along side me for an adventure, or trying to protect me from something, or won't do anything specific, but I know he's there.

Maybe someone else out there knows more about this area than I do, but I would be interested to know how the widowed community or anyone else for that matter views dreams of their loved ones, or what they think about the evolution of Jeremy in my dreams. Either way, and in no matter what form, he is always a welcome presence that I ache to see in my dreams. I love getting to see his face, and feel him living, even for just a moment and even if it's not real. It feels real. Those are the dreams that if I wake up prematurely, I try desperately to close my eyes and finish, just so I don't have to say goodbye. Just so I can squeeze one more second of time in with him.

dream

The other night, Jeremy met me in my dreams. It was lovely. I finally got to see him again, it's been awhile that I've had a full dream about him - he pops in my dreams here and there, but mostly just to remind me he's still watching over me. This time, he was present, talking to me, sitting with me, and even put his arm around me. I've only had one other dream of Jer where I've been able to touch him, and it was a simple hug...he's always been out of reach to me. This time, sitting next to him on a chair, I curled into his shoulder and he put his arm around me. I remember stopping briefly to listen to his heart beat, even though I knew in the dream he wouldn't be staying.

The dread of knowing he wouldn't come back made me concerned, and I turned to him and asked him what he thought about me dating Steve. (I'm not sure why I asked him this, because I have talked to him SO much about it, and have felt his blessing every step of the way) He smiled at me and in an almost teasing tone and big grin he said "What do I think about it?!" His smile turned warm, his eyes got serious and he said very slowly "Honey, I am sooo happy for you." And then I woke up.

It has taken me two days to type that out. I am sitting here in a puddle of tears just reliving it, and I have been every time I think about it. I woke up with peace, but also with sorrow. It's weird to feel released to let someone else in my heart while loving Jeremy completely still. I didn't think it was possible to have a heart big enough for both. But while I smiled knowing how genuine Jer was in his happiness for me, it was like another realization that he's never coming back. It will never be him again. Bittersweet is a word I always use when describing my life lately, but I can't come up with anything else to better articulate it.

I think about how much Jer has taught me about love. I remember thinking for a split second when I woke up that I wasn't sure I could be that selfless. That somewhere deep down, I wouldn't want to see him love someone else. But when I realize that he sees so much more of the big picture that I can't possibly comprehend, or when I think about him suffering even an ounce of the grief I've faced, I know it's not true. I would feel the same way. I would want him to find as much happiness as possible.

Throughout the course of dreams I've had about Jeremy, I feel like I've watched him grow. I watched him turn into what God intended him to be. He seems wiser, softer, and more peaceful. I know that sounds weird, but I feel it - like I'm seeing him in real time. And I love that he always gives me an opportunity to remind him of how much I love him. It's so significant to me.

I can't wait to really tell him, someday, face to face.







Honey, I hope you can feel how much it meant to me to see you, even for a second. I hold onto those small moments as invaluable treasures that I will never forget. Thank you for bringing me peace and comfort, and for never letting me forget that you're with me every step of the way. I miss you so very much. I love you always and forever.











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Subconscious Overload

The only picture I have of Jeremy with Carter - scanned from a photo

booth film strip we did at a friend's wedding in September.

I had quite an eventful day on Wednesday. So many things happened in just a few hours:

First, I dropped Caleb off for 'Donuts with Dad' day at school. Oh, my heart. I started to tear up on the way there when we passed the school my husband worked for, which happens to be right next door to the church (where the preschool is located) and Caleb said "Hi Daddy's work!" like we used to every day he worked there. And without skipping a beat it was followed by "I love you Daddy!"

I thought I was doing good. One of Jeremy's best friends, Jon, took Caleb. I was going to let Caleb just stay home with me and thought about doing something special with him while Sissy was in school, but Caleb couldn't turn down a donut, and he asked if Jon could come. I think it was very special for both of them. But as soon as I got back into my car, tears overcame me. Knowing this was just the beginning to many other things in our kids' lives that Jeremy is going to miss was just too much for my heart to bare.

Then, I had a prenatal appointment. I was very anxious about this one. All weekend, I was unable to sleep thinking about how close I'm getting to having this baby. Anxiety was starting to creep in as I thought about going through labor without Jeremy. Even though my goal for this pregnancy was to have a vaginal delivery, I don't think I will be able to handle it emotionally without him there. I need him by my side, and there are absolutely no substitutes for that. Which brings me to my next point of anxiety - who's going to be with me? I know there will be a lot people there and I could ask anyone, but no one is Jeremy, no one is Carter's father. I'm thankful his mom will be there to hold him first, since that was Jer's job.

On top of all that, I am so completely done with being pregnant. I don't think I will ever be 'ready' to have this baby alone, but I sure am ready to be done with the pregnancy. I'm miserable physically, and obviously emotionally. It's really taking a toll on me. That combined with high blood pressure and the fact that Carter is already measuring to be a decent size, I asked the Doc what she thought about me scheduling an early C-Section. She actually thought it was a smart idea. My original thought was if I don't go into labor on my own, I'll wait for Jeremy's birthday, February 22, to schedule a C-Section in hopes that Carter will have something special to share with his daddy. But I don't think I can handle waiting 8 days after my due date and I wasn't convinced that them sharing a birthday was more emotionally healing than harming and I didn't want Carter's birthday to forever be overshadowed by loss.

After my appointment, my realtor called me to tell me my purchase agreement for a house I put an offer on the day before was approved! It was actually the fourth house I put an offer on. Once everything is said and done, I will feel more comfortable sharing details about me moving. But I will tell you it's a beautiful home and I'm thankful to not have to stay in our current house much longer, as I know Jeremy would not want me here alone without him. It's not a good area.

I will also say that I've had this weird pull to put another offer on the very first house I bid on. Something keeps pulling me back that house, I'm not sure what it is. But I figured I'll put one more offer in and if nothing happens, we'll continue to move forward with this other house....both are great deals for great houses. But I will solicit prayers that we get the right house for our family. Either way, we'll be moving very soon!

So, I scheduled a date to have Carter (which I will reveal once they confirm the appointment tomorrow) and got myself a house all in a matter of an hour.

Then I got home and received Jeremy's full autopsy report in the mail.

The language is very hard to get through. Some of it hard to understand, yes, but I'm referring to the medical coldness. It's a very impersonal way to read the most personal details about the person you know better than anyone in the world. It's hard to swallow. I expected the medical terms and facts, but not the sudden knowledge that someone examined every inch of my husband, and to them, it was just another dead body. Ugh.

I also expected the result of death to be a little more detailed, but left me wanting to know more. On Jer's death certificate, it's says onset of death: years. And yet, the full report revealed nothing to indicate when this started - 5 years or 25 years, I don't know. I know his heart condition would not have been easily detected, but it sucks to know that through all the visits to the hospital last year, nothing was found. We never had a chance to fight.


The funny and disturbing thing is that I dreamt about all these things last night. My subconscious has been working overtime lately, I have been dreaming about Jeremy a lot. But last night, I took some Benedryl to help me sleep thinking it would knock me out cold as usual, but I tossed and turned all night.

The first half of the night, with each toss and turn, I was debating which house to choose and what price to settle on.

The second half of the night I dreamt Jeremy came back to life for just a short time and I was telling him to call his mom so we could bump up the C-Section date and he could be present for the birth of his son.

Then I found myself asking Jeremy questions in my dream about his death. I asked him if he remembered falling, or the fact that he completely dislocated his fourth finger on his right hand when he fell. Thankfully, in my dream, he told me no. And I honestly believe that to be true to life as well. But in my dream he was very weak and I knew I didn't have him for long, but I felt so thankful to have him long enough to tell him I loved him and tell him how much we've missed him since he'd been gone. I wish that was real life.

It's funny how my dreams have been reflecting my life lately. I used to have all these bizarre dreams that seemed to make no sense, and now I find my subconscious really trying to work things out from my real life. I really hope it's Jer's way of talking to me. I pray to meet him in my dreams every night.