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I'm at a loss tonight.


I just miss you. It's weird to say it every night and feel it stronger each time I write it. Such simple words that couldn't possibly convey the yearning in my heart for you. I am still stunned that I'll never feel you hug me or see your sexy smile ever again.


Dan mentioned something about my taking so many pictures this weekend. It's ironic cause I haven't turned on our new camera since you died and I took over your iphone. It takes great pictures and it's with me wherever I go. But for awhile I couldn't take pictures, didn't want to. Sarah took all my pictures for me, and I'm so thankful. But what I realized after frequenting funerals lately is how precious pictures can be. I treasure the very few pictures I have with my brother and wish I had taken more. I thought you and I had taken lots of pictures together, but I find myself constantly searching for more. So I've decide to take more pictures with the people I love, even if I have to force a smile. 

It's been a great weekend, considering. I know why this was one of your absolute favorite events to be a part of - they treat us so well and are so kind and loving. 

I found another little gift from my brother today. It was a post he put on his facebook in January encouraging his friends to click on Pennies on a Platter for us. What really struck a chord was the sweet sentiments he wrote about me, and especially about us:

"penniesonaplatter.com EVERYONE READING THIS: Please visit this website as often as possible during the month of January. Everytime you visit the site, money is donated to the website, and for the entire month of January, 100% of the proceeds are going to my beautiful pregnant sister Veronica, and her two kids Faith and Caleb, and baby Carter on the way! They lost a loving husband and father unexpectedly back in November. My sister is the greatest, most loving, religous, and good hearted person i know, and her marriage was a one of a kind loving one you never see anymore! Please help the cause, thank you everyone for your prayers and help! God Bless!!!

I love that kid. And it's good to know that our marriage and love for each other wasn't just something I made up in my head and put on a pedestal - he bore witness to it. And I've been hanging onto every word of that today, they're a beautiful symphony to me today in the midst of my chaos and confusion.

I miss him. I miss you, too, without ways to express the depth of it.

I love you always and forever.

-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died

DAY 8: Everlasting Forgiveness

"God pardons like a mother, who kisses the offense into everlasting forgiveness. -HENRY WARD BEECHER

Be reminded today that in the same way you are able to forgive your child forever and completely because you love him, your loving God forgives you as well. Forever and completely.