we miss you

I think Caleb has really been missing you lately. And like me, going through the process of losing Brian has stirred up losing you again too.


I gave the kids the option of sitting through the funeral with me yesterday. They were so scared when they saw you in the casket that they wanted nothing to do with it, but they always ask me questions about it and say they wish they were there. Faith still kept her distance from Brian's casket, but Caleb was fascinated with it. He stood there for a few minutes just absorbing. I wish I knew what he was thinking. He kept asking if he could go back to see Uncle Brian. 


When the pallbearers walked away with a closed casket, Caleb got very sad and said "I really miss Uncle Brian. And I really miss Daddy."


He's been telling me he misses you a lot the last few days. I think the kids will probably sit through the burial on Tuesday and maybe it will give them a better idea of what happened with you. I still don't know how to really do this, how to explain to a 4 and a 5 year old what's happened to our family. No one should have to have these kinds of conversations with their small children. It's not right.


One of these days, this loss is going to affect them in ways that I won't be able to heal. I'm sick thinking about that day ever approaching. Wish I could keep this pain from them.


We love you, baby. 
We miss you terribly.


P.S. Funny story: Faith was trying to fall asleep in the car last night on the way home but couldn't cause Carter was getting fussy and she kept trying to feed him and give him his pacifier. She got so frustrated that she started to cry. When I tucked her into bed, she said "Mommy, having a baby sure is a lot of work." I laughed and thanked her for noticing. I asked her to imagine what it must be like for me to take care of three kids with no daddy to help. Her eyes got very big. I think she's starting to get it.