Your little man started soccer today. I had no idea he was so tall - he was the biggest kid in the entire place and I chuckled to myself about what a bruiser he is. All morning he kept telling me "I already know how to play soccer, my daddy teached-ed me before he got dead." All I could do was pray that he didn't say that to his coach. He managed fine, and I think he'll enjoy it. It made me feel good to know that I have him involved in sports, just doing something that boys should do - I feel like you'd love it too.
As I reflect on motherhood as my ministry, I find that I have really drifted away from my purpose. Lately, the kids have been really testing me. I don't know if it's because it's been mostly me with them lately and school is starting, or cause we've been home a lot more now and a new schedule is evolving, but we're all butting heads with each other. Faith is so sassy sometimes, Caleb's whining makes me want to shut my head in a car door...even Carter hasn't been sleeping well. I can't remember the last time they did something I asked them the first time I asked. I feel like I yell too much, and spend so much of my days being a referee between Faith and Caleb because they fight constantly. I find myself sitting on the couch at the end of a day full of running around, getting kids dressed, making lunches, cleaning up after kids, bathing dirty kids, and putting kids to bed feeling sorry for myself. Is this what life is all about? Is this it now? This imagery never bothered me or scared me before, but without you here by my side some days the weight is too heavy and I can't remember why I am doing this in the first place. I need you here to bounce this stuff off of, to balance me out, to take over when I'm stressed, to let me know when I've crossed the line, to discuss discipline and how we're going to raise these kids...
There are those moments, though, that make it all worth it...
Like when Faith gets off the bus, and she grabs Caleb's hand as we walk back home. "I missed you while you were at school Faith. I always miss you." Caleb says.
"I missed you too, brother."
Or like when I'm doing something completely ridiculous and ordinary to make Carter laugh hysterically and the sound seeps down into the darkest and coldest parts of my heart and warms them up.
Or like when I lay down for a nap with Caleb, and he always asks "Mommy, can we talk about things? Like Daddy and Uncle Brian and Heaven?"
Or when I wake up to Carter changed, dressed, and fed in his room because Faith wanted to help me out and let me rest.
My greatest ministry. Maybe this is all there is going to be for me, and I need that to be ok. I want to find contentment is just being a mother. A minister of parenthood. haha, I like the sound of that, though it's a terrible title, it alludes to me knowing what I am doing. And I have no clue what I'm doing. I just know they're all I have left of you, and I want to make you proud. I want to screw them up in our specific ways, they ways we decided on before and the ways I hear in my heart from you. And I know as long as I keep my compass on God, that's all I can really do.
I miss you baby. I wish things didn't have to be so complicated without you. Nothing is easier without you here.
I love you with all that I am.
5 comments:
You really spoke to my heart. I see another mom struggling with the very things I struggle with...but without the love of her life. I cannot imagine. From the outside looking in, I'd say you are doing an AMAZING job in your ministry! We have to remember that our children are the first people we touch in our daily lives and if we are not showing them His love, who will. You obviously are - your children are full of love.
Dear Veronica, your heart is so honest and pure with the struggles you face, I remember days like that when mine were young. Yes I had a husband, yet was alone. I wish I had half the wisdom you do! You may feel alone, and why shouldn't you! yet please know your are in so many of our hearts and prayers as you travel your day-to-day journey. Peace be with you dear girl. Your doing great!
I love hearing when faith and Caleb get along. Yes, they will fight but they love each other no matter what. I have feeling that they will be bff's growing up.
"I missed you while you were at school Faith. I always miss you." Caleb says.
"I missed you too, brother."
This brought tears to my eyes as I read this tonight. I am watching my brother go through a heard time, once again. These past couple days I have been so Thankful that we have the bond we have. Through the years it's been rough but not one thing has come between us. I pray tonight that your childern keep that same bond. From the sounds of it, your children are very lucky to have a mother like you. My thoughts and prayers are with you always.
You are so real and honest, and I appreciate it. I know how hard it must be to not have Jer there to balance you out and help with the discipline and just raising the kids. Heck, I don't really know. But man I can feel your pain radiating onto me and my heart just breaks for you. To be without your best friend who balances you out, and to have to care for 3 children all on your own?! You astound me, Vee. Seriously. I'm so thankful that you have those good days when the kids are getting along or their laughs can warm you up. I'm glad you have them as a piece of Jeremy.
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