My morning runs always seem to be my time where I figure out life's puzzles (or find more life questions to ask). There's something about that me time when I can reflect, pray, organize my thoughts, and focus on myself that is very centering.
This morning I felt a little disappointed about the relationships in my life. With life changing so much in the last 6 months or so, I've noticed a lot of people stepping back. And I get it, I really do. My life stays so busy now with a house of seven. But I have not stopped needing any of those relationships in my life, or craving them. I know that since my life no longer qualifies as "tragic" and people assume I'm all "better" they've stopped calling, writing, commenting, coming around, or even talking about Jeremy. This breaks my heart, and makes grief harder. There are still those few people who are very dear to me who have been there for me when I need them, but overall I've noticed a change.
The change is not only grief related. For whatever reason, I've had multiple friendships throughout my life that have dissipated due to elements out of my control or for reasons I didn't even know about. It's one of the hardest transitions to go through in relationships; feeling like you would do anything you can to fix/change/maintain the relationship, and it moves on without you.
No matter how much I tried to distract myself with other things this morning during my run, my brain kept going back to that hurt and I kept wondering 'why do I bother letting people in so close if I always end up getting so hurt by it?' People I let close either die or leave. This was a hard reality to choke down today.
But the truth I discovered this morning was that I keep seeking out and aching for those relationships because they're life-changing. Those relationships, whether short-term or long-term, have made me who I am and have taught me so much along the way. Sure, there's risk involved - that's true of any relationship. But the risk is worth it. It's worth the risk to have a friend who can share life's burdens with you so you don't have to carry them yourself. It's worth the risk to have a relationship with someone who knows you're crazy and loves you anyway.
I could safe-guard my heart and stay away from getting too close to people who could really hurt me. But then, how safe would that actually be when I am missing out on one of the biggest blessings in life? How safe would it actually be for me when I end up carrying all my baggage alone? A girl could get seriously hurt doing that.
So, I'll stand by, waiting for transition to take its course and trying to remember that the risk is worth it. I will also continue to pray that I can embrace and invest in those special people in my life now and be a worthy risk for someone else.
12 comments:
I am so sorry... that quote is sad but true... although God always provides special people in our lives... and they are so great we don't really need "that many of them" ... plus it would be hard to find that many! and/or we wouldn't appreciate them as much... I don't know... I know You are blessed even if there's only one that is still there to encourage you and cheer you up... yes, it's hard to realize sometimes we are all too quick to "speak" but we are not willing to back up our words with actions... like when we say "I'll pray for you" and then forget... and stuff like that... Hopefully you will continue to make new friends and get new special people in your life... or re-gain old friendships... I totally understand what you say!
This post reminds me of the book we are studying in sunday school by Paul Tripp. It's called Relationships: A Mess Worth Making. It's been a huge eye-opener to the different kinds of relationships in life (marriage and others) and teaches that we can only have the right kinds of relationships if we have a relationship with our Heavenly Father.
Well said. I have found this to be true. My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly on January 11,2011 leaving me alone with a 10 year old, 6 year old and a nine month old. Many friends stepped in and helped us. I could not have survived without their love and support. I have recently remarried. Many of the friends have pulled away. It has been sad to me. Maybe it would have happened whether or not I remarried.....not sure. I still love them all and am very grateful for the love and support they provided us......I just miss their presence in our life.....
I like to think that sometimes God just put those people in our lives for a short period of time when we needed them the most... not necessarily that there's malice when they pull away... Thank God they were available during the hardest part... I think it's like "The Little Prince" have you ever read that book?
It's a shame, but that's the way some people are.
Everyone wants to ride in the limo, but will they ride on the bus when the limo breaks down?
Best to you always!
I do not know you personally at all but feel like I do because I have been reading your blog for a very long time. In doing so I bet your friend Sara is still and always will be by your side. I always wondered if she was your sister or relative because I could feel your extreme/bond with her right from the beginning. Just remember you have lots of cyber friends that will always keep you and your family in their hearts for a very long time. I have even started following Steve's blog. God Bless you and your family.
Hi!
I thought I'd step forward and say hello. I love how you've taken control of your life and have taken the steps to make a happy existence for your family. I admire you for that.
Jenni
I'm not an actual "friend" but I am one heck of a blog/fb stalker ;) I'll always be there for you that way! I don't think I've ever commented on your blog, but as I'm reading this "Arms" by Christina Perri is playing and I felt like it was a sign to comment. You are one heck of a woman, Veronica. As long as you keep writing I'll keep stalking ;)
LOL! I like what Hinz fam said because that's totally what I feel LOL! ... I guess I am a stalker too then! :P ... Hopefully we can become real friends :) I admire you a lot!
XOXO. You can't ever escape me, even if I don't tell you that everyday. lol. Also, please tell me privately what the comment is that was "deleted by author". It's peaked my curiosity although it's probably nothing. haha
Life does seem to put the people we need into our lives when we need them. Some love us enough to stay forever, some move on when the time has come. It is hard, I always ask myself "What did I do? Why aren't we as close as we used to be?" I am 38 yrs old and have only accepted all of this life change stuff in the past couple of yrs. But now I know, I have my forever friends, my fair weather friends and then the ones that are not good for me, and just need to go PRONTO! And I accept it. But letting go can be sad. Everything happens for a reason. Lisa
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