relationship with risk

source

My morning runs always seem to be my time where I figure out life's puzzles (or find more life questions to ask). There's something about that me time when I can reflect, pray, organize my thoughts, and focus on myself that is very centering.

This morning I felt a little disappointed about the relationships in my life. With life changing so much in the last 6 months or so, I've noticed a lot of people stepping back. And I get it, I really do. My life stays so busy now with a house of seven. But I have not stopped needing any of those relationships in my life, or craving them. I know that since my life no longer qualifies as "tragic" and people assume I'm all "better" they've stopped calling, writing, commenting, coming around, or even talking about Jeremy. This breaks my heart, and makes grief harder. There are still those few people who are very dear to me who have been there for me when I need them, but overall I've noticed a change.

The change is not only grief related. For whatever reason, I've had multiple friendships throughout my life that have dissipated due to elements out of my control or for reasons I didn't even know about. It's one of the hardest transitions to go through in relationships; feeling like you would do anything you can to fix/change/maintain the relationship, and it moves on without you.

No matter how much I tried to distract myself with other things this morning during my run, my brain kept going back to that hurt and I kept wondering 'why do I bother letting people in so close if I always end up getting so hurt by it?' People I let close either die or leave. This was a hard reality to choke down today.

But the truth I discovered this morning was that I keep seeking out and aching for those relationships because they're life-changing. Those relationships, whether short-term or long-term, have made me who I am and have taught me so much along the way. Sure, there's risk involved - that's true of any relationship. But the risk is worth it. It's worth the risk to have a friend who can share life's burdens with you so you don't have to carry them yourself. It's worth the risk to have a relationship with someone who knows you're crazy and loves you anyway.

I could safe-guard my heart and stay away from getting too close to people who could really hurt me. But then, how safe would that actually be when I am missing out on one of the biggest blessings in life? How safe would it actually be for me when I end up carrying all my baggage alone? A girl could get seriously hurt doing that.

So, I'll stand by, waiting for transition to take its course and trying to remember that the risk is worth it. I will also continue to pray that I can embrace and invest in those special people in my life now and be a worthy risk for someone else.

The change a year can bring

I've made a decision to try and be better about posting. I always struggle with feeling like people have heard enough and don't really care to hear me continue whining about everything, but I have A LOT to share and a lot on my heart....and well, this is really for me. Cause I have a horrible memory and my only recollection of the last 14 months is from what I wrote down. And, I have been EXTREMELY busy.

Tonight, I want to start with just a little snippet about my trip to Gulf Coast Getaway this year. We just got back this week from one of the most incredible events we do all year long - I've blogged about it every year cause it changed my life big time. It has become a bittersweet event for me, because Jeremy went with me my first time, and last year I was 8 months pregnant...I just miss being there with him. I want to tell him about so much. Like how beautiful it was there this year, the best weather I've seen yet for January in Florida:

I spent a lot of time on the beach this trip. I thought so much about this beach and the milestones it has taken me through. Two years ago, we sat at the very beach and cried with a hurting friend, prayed together, and solidified a friendship that will last a lifetime. Last year, I sat alone on this very beach, in the cold, screaming curses to God with tears streaming down my face and fury and confusion in my heart. This time, I thought a lot about how much change a year can bring. I stood on this very beach with a different song in my heart, at a different place in my life. I cried a lot for Jeremy, but not the way I did last year. This year, I cried a lot for my brother too...for some reason, his loss hit me hard on the trip. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I feel closer to God in His beauty and creation. I pray more by the ocean. I breath deeper. I listen. But no matter what ups and downs I experienced on this trip, what I kept thinking about was how much different it could be in a year from now, on this very beach.

What I also know is that through all my ups and downs, I have incredible friends. This event brings me together with dear people I only get to see a few times out of the year, or JUST this time every year. But they are treasures to me:

This year, I got another tattoo. This one I've been wanting for awhile, for Jeremy. Sarah and I have gotten both our tattoos together, which is very meaningful to me...and her tattoo was with Jeremy in mind as well:

Overall, it was a great weekend. I always encounter God in a powerful way at Gulf Coast. I even adopted a little boy from Haiti named Johnsley. The kids and I are very excited to write him some letters and learn more about him! It was a highlight of my weekend. 

I tried to take lots of deep breaths to prepare me for the changes of another year...

friendships

Today, we spent the day celebrating Vicki. We were going to take her out for her birthday last month, but everything got postponed because of Brian's funeral. So we celebrated today with shopping, mani/pedis, a movie, surprise friends, and A LOT of food. But she deserved so much more for the incredible friend she has been and continues to be. Her loyalty is honorable, and I don't know what I'd do without her.


We took her to Gauchos for lunch - YES, I finally got to try it! You wanted to take me so bad and we never got around to it. I was excited and incredibly bummed at the same time. I even tried the fried bananas for you. I didn't like em, but at least I tried em. I know exactly why you loved that place. I wanted to pick up the phone and text you a million times about it, I could feel your excitement.


I actually had a really great time today. I am so thankful for my friendships that have bonded together, even if some of them did get stronger after you died. I wouldn't trade these women for anything. And it helps to know, they all miss you too.


I miss you babe. At the end of the day, even a really great one, I still just ache for you.
I love you with all that I am.

-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died

DAY 19: Hope

Hope transcends our current circumstances, elevating us above sibling rivalry, marital issue, financial strain, dirty dishes, and sleep deprivation by declaring, "This ain't all there is!" and "Something better is coming!" Jesus Christ, in whom the Christian's hope resides, certainly transcended His circumstances and gave us hope when He defeated death. Something better was definitely  coming!

I have the best friends. For real.

One of Jeremy's friends, John - who has quickly become a dear friend to me as well - with my man Caleb (they're good buddies). He has asked me to share this on my blog to get the word out:

To all of Veronica King's family, friends and whoever is willing to help:

For those of you who don't know, Veronica King tragically lost her husband Jeremy King at the young age of 31 to a heart condition back in November of 2010. Veronica is now left to raise their three beautiful children all on her own. 

Her current vehicle is approaching 200,000 miles and needs to be replaced to better fit her needs. She needs a vehicle that is more reliable and more suited for three kids in car seats. Veronica travels long distances to see family and to keep up with her singing commitments. So, let's all pull together and raise money so she can travel in the safety and reliability of a newer vehicle. 

Please send money to:

Rochester Church of Christ
250 West Avon Road
Rochester Hills, Michigan 48307
248.651.1933
www.rochestercoc.org 

Make checks payable to Rochester Church of Christ and put King Memorial Fund on the memo line. 

All donations are tax deductible.




Seriously, could I have better friends? I think not. I have yet to find a need that hasn't been filled or is planned to be filled over the last few months. My dear blog readers have already participated in multiple ways in helping me and my family - and I am eternally grateful.


I also want to let you know I have now added a 'donate' button on my blog - on the sidebar to the left. It's easy and secure, and I know many people have asked if I had a paypal account because they didn't want to mail money. Plus, it's easier to donate small amounts - even a few dollars makes a huge difference. Right now, all monies donated will go directly towards a new vehicle.


More than all these different ways to help, which I appreciate, please continue the prayers. They are still very much needed, and they're invaluable.

Good intentions

The thing I've discovered about grief is that it is an all-consuming, selfish process. 

No matter how good my intentions are, I seem to always come up short when it comes to thinking about anything other than myself. I am forced to think about my 3 children, which takes up what little capacity I have left...so anything beyond that is completely outside my thought processes right now. I can't think past my own needs. I want to be helpful to others, I want to be a good friend, but the truth is, I just don't care right now. I'd love to be able to close out the entire world and stay under the sheets until I met Jeremy again. Nothing else matters - even when I want it to.

I try to care, but grief consumes me. I want to reach out, but then the ache in my soul starts burning too much to move. I want to connect with people and let their words heal, or draw from the experience of others, but I'm not ready to admit that anyone could feel as crappy as I do inside, or that allowing words to heal me would somehow betray my love to Jeremy. I'm not ready for that. I want the world to stop for me, I want everyone to know Jeremy's story and the man he was. I want everyone to feel the hole I feel so I don't have to try to explain it anymore. 

Right now, Grief is a reliable friend who waits for me in my bed every night even if I manage to dodge him all day. I save up all the tears I'm unable to let out in front of others for the evenings with my friend Grief. Always cruel, always unwanted, but always there. And because Grief follows me wherever I go, I find him draining and taking up all the energy I would normally use for other people.

With that said, I would like to point out that I have incredible friends. They have been my lifeline over the last few months during this unimaginable time in my life. My friends have stood by my side when I had nothing to say, helped me with the kids, been my memory for nearly everything, and have continued to be a presence even when I couldn't ask for it. I've read others' stories of friends who walked out of their life during their tragedies because they didn't know how to handle it, or they got sick of that person being a dark cloud of grief. I know that there are still the people who don't know what to say or how to help, and I get that. I'd probably be the same way. But I'm thankful for the people in my life who reach out anyway, even if they're unsure if it's helpful. Sometimes, it's not but I'm grateful all the same. And, I've made some incredible new friendships throughout this whole thing, which has been a great blessing to me. I feel like I got lucky in the friends department.

For example, I am still getting meals brought to my house, and I have yet to buy a roll of toilet paper. I'm still using some from the tons that were brought to my home the week Jeremy died, because people just stepped in and took over when I didn't know my left from my right. How amazing is that? I have a hard time asking people for help. I don't like being a burden on anyone, I've always been independent. Except when it came to Jeremy....but marriage is built that way. We were a team. I expected his help as he expected mine. I could ask him for help, the same help I refuse to ask from someone else. And the funny thing about grief is that even when I want to ask for help, I won't.

This is a horrible rambling post. I don't really know where I'm trying to go with this. I guess this is for all my friends: bear with me. Forgive my selfishness and the fact that I don't know how to be a good friend right now. It's not because I don't want to, it's because I literally just can't right now. Keep standing by when I push you away, til I see this through the other side. I have no idea how long that will be, but I'm working on it.

"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing...not healing, not curing...that is a friend who cares."

An unexpected blessing

I wanted to pass this along on my blog, for those who may not know about it through Facebook.

I wasn't sure how to go about posting this on my blog without sounding like I'm campaigning for myself, so I'll just go ahead and explain: A sweet friend and fellow blogger from Pennies on a Platter makes a small amount of money from one of the advertisements on her blog based solely on how many 'hits' she gets on her blog every month. She has decided to dedicate the profits made from the month of January to me and the kids....what an incredible blessing. 

Here's how you can help:

Literally, all you have to do is visit Pennies on a Platter - that's it! Wait a few seconds and make sure the page loads up, and I would definitely encourage you to check out the amazing recipes she has on there, but all you have to do is visit - as many times as you can this month. So many people have asked what they can do to help, and I just never know what to ask for, especially from people so far away. This is by far the easiest way to help.

For as much turmoil as I have found myself in lately, I can't deny how humbling it is to see so many people rallying in my corner and doing whatever they can to ease my heartache. It certainly doesn't take the pain away, but it helps to know that there is still good out there in the world.

Thanks in advance for participating!

Weekend in Indiana

This weekend, my friend Sarah and I made a little trip to Anderson, Indiana to visit some of our best friends who recently moved there.

We had a great time just chillin', watching movies, doing each other's hair, making cookies, eating cookies, and playing games. Saturday afternoon was a beautiful overcast day, so we decided to take some pictures down the street. They were just too cute not to share! We took SO MANY, but here are some of my favorites:

Genna and Faith: they were just as excited as we were to get together!

These girls are so goofy together!

The beautiful Sarah and me

A favorite of my princess

Our JC Penney catalog ad

Sarah, me, and Vicki - love these girls

A friend of ours captioned this photo as: "I'm having twins!" LOL

Had a little photo shop fun with this one

This photo is everything I love about Vicki

Love our eyes in this photo

I am blessed with some beautiful friends! So glad we could capture some of our weekend with photos!

A good friend is cheaper than therapy

My entire life, I've gone in and out of close friendships with women. Graduating, relocating, jobs, marriage, and children has changed a lot of friendships and evolved some others. It used to make me sad that I've never had one best friend since childhood who knows me in and out. Now, I can look back and realize how blessed I am to have crossed paths with so many extraordinary women and have had the chance to share intimate friendships with them. I'm lucky to still know and love my high school girlfriends, who I wouldn't change for the world.

Today, I want to dedicate this post to a recent friend that has rocked my world, Sarah. I met her while doing the Christmas Musical at church 2 years ago, then came home and told the hubs, "I want to be friends with that girl - she's amazing." I rarely have instant connections with women like that. And, I was right. Her personality is contagious and I adore spending time with her. She has quickly become one of my best friends and I don't know what I would have done without her (or her family) in my life over the last year. She loves with her whole heart and as I was looking back over my recent Facebook pictures, realizing most of them included her, it filled my heart. She is one of the most beautiful women I know, and I'm proud to call her my friend.

This post is getting a little deep. It was supposed to be lighthearted and fun, I'll blame my sappy pregnancy hormones! I want to share our fabulous pictures with you:

When we first met: Imagine Christmas 2008, getting ready backstage:

On our way to the Zoe conference in Nashville, TN:

Love how silly this girl is:

Forever bonded: We got our tattoos together!

Never too old for a sleepover:

Rockin' out in Louisevill, KY @ Youth In Action:

Being fabulous:

Love this girl:

I hope you have a good friend in your life to share precious moments with. I'm thankful for mine, because a good friend is cheaper than therapy!

Summer Celebration

I FINALLY seem to have found the time to sit down and post about what I've been up to this summer! Well, I haven't done a whole lot, mostly working when I can, but I've managed to squeeze in some fun here and there. Example: my trip last weekend to Nashville.

We left Wednesday after work with Faith. Caleb stayed with Grandma for the weekend. About 10 hours later, we arrived at Lipscomb University for their Summer Celebration. We were leading worship for a couple morning sessions that weekend, and sang for some speakers. Also known as Acafest Weekend, we got to see/hear/meet/hang out with a bunch of former and current Acappella members. It was a great weekend that we got to spend with some of our best friends, who we also helped move last week. Saturday morning, we shipped off to Anderson, Indiana to help our friends load into their new house and lead worship with them Sunday morning as a welcome celebration on their first Sunday! It was A LOT of driving, but it was totally fun. And, I got some great pictures to prove it:

Yes, this is a real road! In Ohio:

Saw this plate at a Christian book store :"Have Faity?" I wonder why it's on sale?!?

The hubs found "The Canadian Tenors" and wondered why he wasn't invited to this group!

The family minus Caleb. We missed our Bubba:

Our sweet friends who just moved to Indiana. Love these two:

Queen Vee and Mr. King

Current Acappella performing before the Fireworks @ Lipscomb:

Love this girl!:

Me and my princess watching the fireworks:

My favorite fireworks: The sparkly ones

My admission photo for peopleofwalmart.com:

Oh wait! It gets better. Check out the cool sticker on the back (which was on BOTH sides of the vehicle):

Oh WAIT! It STILL gets better! This car is fully loaded -with umbrellas and a steel bat! Also please note the speakers attached on both sides. CLASSY:

What a great (and hilarious) trip! 

My first blogger award

I received an award and Im sharing the sunshine!

I just received my first blogger award from my new friend @ A Daily Scoop of Chaos!

I'm super excited to share my sunshine! Thanks!

Now as a recipient of this award I now have to share it with some other fabulous bloggers.
Here are the rules:
- Put the logo on your blog or within your post.
- Pass the award onto 7 bloggers.
- Link the nominees within your post.
- Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
- Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.

And the awards go to...

1.  Lucy @ Lucy's Life - One of the first blogs I followed, she has a great writing style, and always have something yummy cookin' up in the kitchen!

2.  My dear friend Katy @ The Travis Family Blog She's always a ball of sunshine, and has recently committed to some amazing frugal challanges

3. Lovely Lupie - My sweet friend from way back talks about her struggle with Lupus (among a billion other complications) and how she manages to stay strong and be a great mom/wife - what a woman! 

4. Room to Inspire - love love LOVE her style and all the cool things she comes up with!

5. My Husband's Watching TV - love her style, she always makes me laugh!

6. CA Girl - Another new blogger friend, her last post cracked my up!

7. Fitness: A Journey not a Destination - LOVE this blog and all it's inspirations...totally little everyday motivations

Share the Sunshine! =]

Great Lakes Rally

We packed up the family and headed to Beamsville, Ontario for the weekend. The trip was for two reasons: Jeremy was performing with DeeperStill @ the Great Lakes Youth Rally, and Jer's parents happen to live on campus and we haven't been to the house in almost a year! (That's sad to say) So, we were especially excited to visit, and had a great weekend.

I'd like to first say that the worship over the weekend was incredible. DeeperStill did a great job (as they always do) at leading and put on an amazing concert! This has always been one of our favorite rallies, and we were glad to come back and be a part of it this year. I'm so proud of the guys in the group and how much they've grown since the last time they did this show...and I totally missed hanging out with them all, since we all live in different states and I never get to see them anymore! Jeremy and I, and Jon and Holly Knutson stayed behind to lead Sunday evening worship @ the Beamsville Church of Christ, which was uplifting as well. They were a very enthusiastic congregation who were so welcome and friendly.

We stayed an extra day (Monday) so that we could visit with Jeremy's mom, his sister Bethany, and her two kids. We really wished we lived closer and could see the family more often, especially since Jer's dad got stuck on a job and wasn't able to make it home for the weekend, and his sister Melanie was still up in Sault Ste. Marie helping his other sister, April with her new baby Brennen, and her two other boys.

Needless to say, we had a good time. But for some reason, I'm exhausted (Actually I know the reason - I have two toddlers!) and am glad to be home and start getting my house back together. I will leave you with some photos of our weekend:

Scott, Chris, and Lara & David chillin' before sound check.

Dan chasing after Caleb in the gym! The kids never stopped running around!

Dan and me. I really wish Dan lived closer, I miss this guy!

I managed to talk Jeremy into taking one picture with me...

wish it had turned out better. Oh well.

Trying to get the kids still to take pictures at Nana's house.

This one makes me smile

Faith and her cousin, Mason. She was lovin' on him all weekend!