When two worlds collide

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So much of my life has changed since Jeremy died.

I live in a different house, a different city.

I drive different vehicles.

I shop at new stores that weren't around just three years ago.

I have super long hair, which Jeremy has never really seen.

I have some new, amazing friends.

I've lost some friends. Heck, I've been lifted out of some of my own support groups.

I have new family.

I got re-married.

I am a different parent than I used to be.

I've had new experiences that have changed me.

For crying out loud, I have more of Jeremy's children now than I did when he was here!

It's safe to say that things look very different. But what I find so frustrating and yet so odd is how much I hate that he is missing the very things that are only in place because of his death. Experiences that I was only able to have because Jeremy died, I ache for him to see it, to talk to him about it, to celebrate/laugh/cry with him about it. Only, my two worlds will never collide. The irony is not lost on me.

Somewhere, in a land created of 'what-ifs', there's a place where I get to talk to Jeremy about Steve, where I get to see his reaction to a new song that came out, where he smiles and celebrates the milestones in my life I only get to have in light of losing everything. The opportunities that were created out of his loss are the very things I want him to witness. I would never have been able to move to this home if Jer were still alive. And yet, it feels like he's missing here. I would never be able to claim Zada and Reagan as my beautiful daughters if he were alive, but I want so badly for them to know each other, for him to love them like I do.

I try not to venture into the land of 'what-ifs' very often, cause it generally just leaves me exhausted and unsatisfied. But every once in awhile....

....I would just love to see my two worlds collide.

The change a year can bring

I've made a decision to try and be better about posting. I always struggle with feeling like people have heard enough and don't really care to hear me continue whining about everything, but I have A LOT to share and a lot on my heart....and well, this is really for me. Cause I have a horrible memory and my only recollection of the last 14 months is from what I wrote down. And, I have been EXTREMELY busy.

Tonight, I want to start with just a little snippet about my trip to Gulf Coast Getaway this year. We just got back this week from one of the most incredible events we do all year long - I've blogged about it every year cause it changed my life big time. It has become a bittersweet event for me, because Jeremy went with me my first time, and last year I was 8 months pregnant...I just miss being there with him. I want to tell him about so much. Like how beautiful it was there this year, the best weather I've seen yet for January in Florida:

I spent a lot of time on the beach this trip. I thought so much about this beach and the milestones it has taken me through. Two years ago, we sat at the very beach and cried with a hurting friend, prayed together, and solidified a friendship that will last a lifetime. Last year, I sat alone on this very beach, in the cold, screaming curses to God with tears streaming down my face and fury and confusion in my heart. This time, I thought a lot about how much change a year can bring. I stood on this very beach with a different song in my heart, at a different place in my life. I cried a lot for Jeremy, but not the way I did last year. This year, I cried a lot for my brother too...for some reason, his loss hit me hard on the trip. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I feel closer to God in His beauty and creation. I pray more by the ocean. I breath deeper. I listen. But no matter what ups and downs I experienced on this trip, what I kept thinking about was how much different it could be in a year from now, on this very beach.

What I also know is that through all my ups and downs, I have incredible friends. This event brings me together with dear people I only get to see a few times out of the year, or JUST this time every year. But they are treasures to me:

This year, I got another tattoo. This one I've been wanting for awhile, for Jeremy. Sarah and I have gotten both our tattoos together, which is very meaningful to me...and her tattoo was with Jeremy in mind as well:

Overall, it was a great weekend. I always encounter God in a powerful way at Gulf Coast. I even adopted a little boy from Haiti named Johnsley. The kids and I are very excited to write him some letters and learn more about him! It was a highlight of my weekend. 

I tried to take lots of deep breaths to prepare me for the changes of another year...

Calm before the storm

Bullet point #4 that I am suppose to cover, as promised here, is the hardest to write. Mostly, cause I don't know where to start or even how to talk about it without talking about everything at the same time.

Basically it's along these lines: God has been workin' on my heart a lot lately.

These last few months, I've just had a lot going on. I mean, I always have a lot going on, but I've been convicted to find joy in the midst. Ironically, trying to find it was causing discontent and frustration in my life. I'm ready to move on. I'm struggling through financial hardship right now, but I'm confident that God will provide, as He always does. I'm frustrated with the plateau I've hit in my weight loss, but I know that it's about balance and taking care of myself to live my best life. I get down on myself that I'm not always being the best parent I can be, but then I realize I'm raising some pretty fantastic kids.

This is the lesson I'm learning: I am blessed. Yes, I knew this already, but I didn't really know it. Ya know? My weekend at Gulf Coast Getaway was the first time in a long time that I sat back and listened to God and what He had to say. I never stop long enough to listen. Being away from my kids for 5 days was the hardest thing, but I have been a better parent since. I've been cherishing every moment with them, and keeping my cool when little meltdowns don't matter.

This is the other lesson I'm in the middle of learning: I don't know what's ahead. It's scary, unsettling, frustrating, and down right aggravating, but the only thing I can count on is change. There are a lot of possibilities in my future, and I have no idea the path that God will lead us through. I just know I'm ready. I literally feel like I'm sitting in the calm before the storm.

Something big's a comin' - are you ready?

CHANGES

First of all, I would like to wish my little princess, Faith, a HAPPY 3RD BIRTHDAY!!!

I know it's cliche, but I can't believe that Faith is 3 already. Last night, I asked Faith if she was excited to have a birthday today and she said "Mommy, are you sad for me to grow up?" I said "Yeah, baby. I want you to stay my little princess forever." And my precious girl replied "Okay Mommy, in just a minute. I'll be your little princess in a minute." Heartbreaking, yet I'm so thrilled to see what the next three years are like.

Life has changed so much over the last three years. Forget three years, the last three months have been a whirlwind of change! He's the abbreviated version:

*For those of you that don't know, we had a flood in our kitchen at the beginning of February, which led to my kitchen being torn apart. I haven't had a running sink or dishwasher for over a month now. Needless to say, it sucks. Thankfully, the ball is finally rolling in the right direction. The adjuster came to the house Tuesday, so we should know more soon. But it does mean that I get to repaint (and possibly pick out new cupboards and counters) as well as Caleb's room. =]

*At the beginning of the year, I had some MAJOR financial burdens that came back to bite me (And my parents) in the butt! I nearly suffered a nervous breakdown, but thank the Lord for my patient husband, forgiving parents, and prayers from friends and the church for helping me through it. It's not all worked out yet, but now that I have to face it, it's getting sorted out.

*We placed membership at Rochester Church of Christ (finally!). I love that are family is in a place again to be involved in a community of believers, and we're so excited to get our kids involved...we're loving it already! And we needed the accountability that comes with being members at a church, otherwise we tend to fade into the background.

Lots of change can really interrupt life and turn it on its head. I've silently battled mild depression the last few months because of some of these changes, but I now beginning to see what blessings they've turned out to be in the long run. Other than family, the only thing keeping me running was knowing that God had a bigger purpose for me. I was learning to give things up and not try to control every situation by myself, and I'm so thankful for the hard lesson I've learned. Hopefully, I won't soon forget it.