Through Your Eyes

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Yesterday, my 6 year old turned into a 7 year old. Like any birthday, I can hardly believe it. But birthdays after loss can be so much more bittersweet. Bitter for the every moment that Jeremy is missing out on his daughter's life, and sweet that in spite of the great tragedy of losing her daddy, Faith is growing into a beautiful young girl. I'm so proud of who she is and the heart she carries with her.

While I am always proud of my children, I've also recently taken notice of what a spectacular thing it can be to stop and look at them through Jeremy's eyes. It's like I can see his smile and hear his voice in the same way I heard it for days on end after Faith was born saying "she's so beautiful." Or see him sit back in his chair with arms crossed in satisfaction at Caleb when he makes something amazing with his legos. I can almost hear his amusement when I get a belly laugh out of Carter. Somehow, my chest sticks out a little farther to take pride in them for the both of us.

I've often wondered what purpose Carter was to serve in my life, having never had the chance to meet his daddy face-to-face, and then had to come into the world with a mother who was broken hearted and didn't have a clue how to put one foot in front of the other. I often call him the boy who saved my life because he literally forced me keep going, not for myself but for him, because he depended on me for survival. But I questioned God's purpose in his birth so many times, because it was so painful to endure. Then, the other day when I was having a bad day, upset on the couch, he came and brought me a blanket and pillow and even brought me an ice pack (cause he thought I was hurt) and then laid with me and patted me with his tiny little hands chanting "it's ok mama"........this guy just turned two. What kind of 2 year old has the sense to take care of his mama like that? It's like he knows. He's my protector. And suddenly I got the sense that maybe he sees me through Jeremy's eyes sometimes too.

I know my children's futures have unending potential, but I think maybe part of their purpose in this world was to show me how to see more of the world through Jeremy's eyes and to recognize how Jeremy saw me. What a gift that truly is.

I continue to remind myself to stop and look at the world through his eyes, not only to keep him close to me but also to feel the passion for the things he loved....which just so happen to include the people I love. Sometimes, the change of perspective is all I need to remind me to keep going.

Happy Birthday Princess

Faith at her Pump-It-Up party tonight

5 years ago today, I had been in labor for more than 24 hours, anxiously awaiting the arrival of our first child - a beautiful baby girl - and I was finally ready to push...

I haven't been able to get it out of my head the last few hours. Thinking about Jeremy standing next to me holding my hand through the birth is such a contrast to the coldness I felt just a month ago having his son without him. We were so excited to become parents. I had waited my whole life to be a mother. I found my old Xanga post about the day:

Well, the day has finally come - I am a mommy!

Faith Elizabeth King was born Sunday, March 12th @ 12:27am. She weighed 6 lbs. 15 oz. and was 20 1/4 in. long. She's happy, healthy, and the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Labor was quite an experience. I was induced on Friday evening (not pleasant) and when that didn't help they put me on Pitocin drip Saturday morning. I finally was dialated enough to push around 10:30pm. Part of my cervix wasn't dialated as much as the rest, so it was in the way and I tried to push through it. I pushed for about an hour and a half, and nothing was happening. The doctors tried to help Faith along with a vacuum suction, but when that didn't work, I knew something was wrong. The decided that I needed to have an emergency C-Section. I was devastated to hear that after pushing for so long (I even saw the top of her head!) but I knew it was for the best.

When Faith finally arrived, I was so releaved just to know that she was okay. The hardest part was not getting to see her (except for about 2 seconds upside down) until 3:30am, and I didn't get to hold her until Sunday afternoon. At least Jeremy got to hold her right when she was born. Faith went straight to NICU and was there for about 36 hours, to monitor her blood sugar levels (which are good!). All we could do was visit her and feed her until she was able to come into our room.

Long story short (well, short-er), everyone is doing good. My recovery will take awhile, I am pretty sore and not able to move around much, but I am fortunate enough to have an amazing husband who is taking wonderful care of me and our gorgeous baby. And Faith is a good baby - she is making it really easy on me. She is sleeping through the night, and she is the most content baby I've ever seen (who knows how long it will last, but we are trying to enjoy every moment). She is so much tinier than we expected her to be, so we don't have anything that really fits her.

We're finally home, but Faith is a little Jaundiced. Nothing to worry about, she's been sitting in the sun all day and feeding well, so hopefully tomorrow after they take her blood (again!), she won't have to stay at the hospital under lights. Especially since Jeremy's family is coming tomorrow to see her.

Thank you all for your continued prayers. Jeremy are I are so blessed to add this little angel to our family.

This year, I should be writing about the incredible 5 years we've had. I should be posting about the plans we have as a family to celebrate. I should be blogging about how so much has changed but I wouldn't change the last 5 years for anything...

Only, I can't.

Because I would change it. I would change the last 4 months, without batting an eye. I know Jeremy would want to be here to celebrate with us. I know he would be oozing with love and pride for his princess. I'm heartbroken that so much sadness will accompany celebrating Faith's birthday this year. Yes, we'll celebrate. Yes, we'll laugh and enjoy the incredible little girl Faith has become. But with every beat, my heart bleeds out knowing Jeremy will never get to see any of his children through their first 5 years of life.

Every year, I write a birthday letter to my kids. This year, I don't know where to start for Faith. I fear it will be harder to write than my letter to Carter, because she has memories of her daddy, and yet little understanding of what's happening to our family. How do explain the fact that daddy was here one day, and not the next? I've been tearing up all day thinking about it.

I feel injustice for my sweet girl tonight. Injustice for the future she was robbed of, a future without the most important man in her life - her daddy. Her daddy was absolutely crazy about her and would do anything for her. I've been reading his old posts from when Faith turned 3, over and over again today. If nothing else, I want to make sure she never forgets the extraordinary man he was for her and how much he cherished her.

Forget the changes that 5 years can bring. Life can forever change in the blink of an eye.

Happy Birthday, my sweet girl.

Happy Birthday to my princess!

Yesterday, the princess turned Four. Every year, I am stunned at how old she is getting....she really looks so grown up to me anymore. This year, she was in school so she was able to celebrate with friends and bring in a birthday treat! She was excited to dress up for her birthday:

Some of her sweet classmates even brought some gifts to class for her. After school, she had a play date with some twin girls that she adores from school. Then we rushed home in time to see Nana and Auntie, we were coming in from Canada for the weekend to help us celebrate! She got to open her 'big' gift from us - her very own bike (which she's been wanting and needing forever). She loved it. We practiced outside for awhile, then headed to the bowling alley to meet up with Grandma & Grandpa and a few friends for a game/cupcakes/gifts. What a great day!

I love you princess! Happy Birthday!

Looking Up

It always amazes me how my life unfolds in the most unexpected ways. Even in the eye of the storm, I know the Lord has a plan to get me out. The last few months have been stressful for our family, to say the least. A lot of unknowns about money, the future, our family....there were points when I wasn't sure how I'd come out of it. But it's so great that I don't always have to know. It's been a long journey to try and overcome pride and learn how to covet prayers and help from other people, but the process has taught me so much.

I'm happy to announce that I finally can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Things that I thought were disasters are turning out to be a blessing in disguise. We're finally getting to a point in our lives where we shouldn't be struggling to stay afloat. We finally have a plan. A plan to get out of debt. A plan to be better with our money. A plan to stay committed to the church and stay involved. A plan to spend more time together. A plan to let God take control.

The last couple of days have been great! I finally got some more hours at work that I needed, the weather is warming up, we're finally getting some answers about our kitchen and planning to get it put back together, I got a ton done around the house, and we had family in this week!!! Jeremy's mom and sister Melanie came to visit from Monday til this morning, and it was so nice to visit, we've missed them so much. They hadn't seen our house yet and we got to celebrate Faith's birthday - again - with family. Faith was a lucky girl this year:

A personalized Veggie Tales CD from Nana that sings and says her name!

High School Musical Stuff!!! Always a hit!

A Barbie bathroom!

And Barbies to go in it!!!

Looking forward to seeing how everything turns out over the next couple of weeks. I'm so thankful that God doesn't let me go and lets me learn from my mistakes, giving me a chance to make it right. To quote my husband's Facebook status: "It's amazing what happens when someone else steers the ship!"

CHANGES

First of all, I would like to wish my little princess, Faith, a HAPPY 3RD BIRTHDAY!!!

I know it's cliche, but I can't believe that Faith is 3 already. Last night, I asked Faith if she was excited to have a birthday today and she said "Mommy, are you sad for me to grow up?" I said "Yeah, baby. I want you to stay my little princess forever." And my precious girl replied "Okay Mommy, in just a minute. I'll be your little princess in a minute." Heartbreaking, yet I'm so thrilled to see what the next three years are like.

Life has changed so much over the last three years. Forget three years, the last three months have been a whirlwind of change! He's the abbreviated version:

*For those of you that don't know, we had a flood in our kitchen at the beginning of February, which led to my kitchen being torn apart. I haven't had a running sink or dishwasher for over a month now. Needless to say, it sucks. Thankfully, the ball is finally rolling in the right direction. The adjuster came to the house Tuesday, so we should know more soon. But it does mean that I get to repaint (and possibly pick out new cupboards and counters) as well as Caleb's room. =]

*At the beginning of the year, I had some MAJOR financial burdens that came back to bite me (And my parents) in the butt! I nearly suffered a nervous breakdown, but thank the Lord for my patient husband, forgiving parents, and prayers from friends and the church for helping me through it. It's not all worked out yet, but now that I have to face it, it's getting sorted out.

*We placed membership at Rochester Church of Christ (finally!). I love that are family is in a place again to be involved in a community of believers, and we're so excited to get our kids involved...we're loving it already! And we needed the accountability that comes with being members at a church, otherwise we tend to fade into the background.

Lots of change can really interrupt life and turn it on its head. I've silently battled mild depression the last few months because of some of these changes, but I now beginning to see what blessings they've turned out to be in the long run. Other than family, the only thing keeping me running was knowing that God had a bigger purpose for me. I was learning to give things up and not try to control every situation by myself, and I'm so thankful for the hard lesson I've learned. Hopefully, I won't soon forget it.