Top of the list

Look at your little man - he's getting so big and handsome. I love his shirt that says "Handsome like Daddy." I think he will be. He's been having a rough couple of days. He's teething and just miserable - not sleeping and fussy all day - I just want to cry for him. But I also miss your help on days like that when I know you'd help kiss his little tiny tears away.

I had a horrible, horrible nightmare the other night and I woke up sweating. I dreamt that I watched you, Carter, and Faith get hit by a train. Caleb and I were left to fend for ourselves. The thought of suffering another loss like that made me so nauseas I couldn't even tell anyone about it.

I had a weird discovery today. There are a lot of things that you were to me that cannot be replaced. So many wonderful people have stepped up to help out in areas where you used to cover, and that's great, but it's obviously never the same. Even so, I couldn't articulate exactly what it was that I felt voided of completely that can never be recovered. 

Today, I realized what it was: I miss being number one for somebody. At the top of someone's list. Aside from our children, I am not the first anyone would call if there was an emergency, big news, or something incredibly funny that they wanted to share. Even my closest friends have their families or spouses that they would call on - and should call on - first when they think of something important. Along side that loss, I'm now missing the one person at the top of my list I would go to for anything. If I have something to share, I have to consider who to share it with that doesn't have other things going on to worry about. When I need something fixed, I have to think about who I know that I might be able to call on. When I need a break, I feel guilty for finding people to watch the kids. When I remember a funny story, I have to think about who might appreciate it the most. You were all of that in my life. It's hard to not have that constant go-to person to share life with. Really hard.

I miss feeling that specialness that comes with being at the top of someone's list. I miss feeling like someone needs me. I miss being there for you, being the person you wanted to start and end your day with. I miss feeling a part of something. This is totally corny, but the lyrics "I wanna be somebody's somebody" popped into my head. Thank you, adolescent teen pop music days. It's true, though.

I miss being your number one, baby.
I love you forever and always.


Anonymous said...

dear vee~
i have been reading your blogs and following you on your new journey (one that you certainly did not want nor ask for). reading this latest blog, you have hit the nail on the head as to how i have been feeling. i have not lost my husband to death but to divorce...and i have been feeling lost, like i dont belong anywhere and i just have this innate need to want to take care of someone (besides my children). and bam..this blog totally speaks how i feel...i too miss being at the top of someones list. i would give anything to just be able to be at the top of someones list again.
anyway, i will keep praying for you and the kids. you are so strong and amazing!!!

Kim said...

Praying for you as always.

megan said...

oh, this one got me so much. Being someone's One. Having him BE my One. Having to think who to call who isn't busy somewhere else, in their own life.


Debbie said...

Just the other day my I put on my Twitter "I miss being somebody's someone"
Glad I'm not alone in those feelings.

You have a beautiful way with your words!


Debbie said...

Oh - first picture I've seen of Carter since he was just tiny. He is adorable!

Unknown said...

what a handsome boy. I knew he'd look like Jer.

Donna said...

Veronica, I think that you have named what so many people miss in this world...being someone's most important go to person....and you said it so beautifully.

gv said...

OMG! Carter looks EXACTLY like Caleb!!! What handsome boys you have! Hugs and prayers.

Anonymous said...

Yesterday was one year since my husband passed away. I was his #1 and he was mine. I feel just the same way you do. Wishing you nothing but peaceful days ahead.

Desi said...

Man I can't help but get choked up every time I read your posts. But what's worse is this is your life and I so feel for you. I know it isn't the same but you are your kids' number one, and they need you. You make me treasure having my fiancee as my number one and I as his. I wish so much that you didn't have to experience this sort of pain. Beautifully written as always.

Oh and Carter is absolutely adorable. And he does look just like Daddy :)

shannasummers said...

Hey Vee! Your dream is about change. Your persception of Carter, Faith, and even you memory of Jeremy has changed. Your preception of Cale and youself hasn't changed (in a while at least. )Dont be afraid of your dreams. learn to listen to what your subconscience is trying to tell you. Love you!


Related Posts with Thumbnails