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I was thinking about Amanda's post last week on Widow's Voice comparing divorce to death and how perturbed it made me what some people have the nerve to say (you can read it HERE). I've been lucky that no one has been dumb enough to try to compare the two to my face....or I should say, they've been lucky enough.
Not even my husband, who has been through one of the most painful divorces I know of, tries to compare the two. Just as I don't ever try to play the widow card to trump the hurt and pain that he's gone through. We know they're different and both painful in their own right.
But in my own personal experience, I have recently really noticed the difference that those tragic experiences have played out for our children. I ache every time I realize that Jeremy is missing out on things in his childrens' lives and there is nothing that will ever fill that void. But there is one thing I'm always certain of: Jeremy was an incredible daddy and his children will never doubt the love he had for them. Now that our oldest girls have gotten to a place where they realize their biological mother is not in the picture because of her own choice, that is a much harder topic to trudge through. The questions of why dad was the one who did the things that moms were supposed to when they were little are hard to answer. Knowing that we look for opportunities to honor Jeremy and talk about him in our household is a stark contrast to the care and sensitivity we take to not expose the pain and hurt the runs deep (and unfortunately current) caused by a mentally and physically unhealthy person who wants other people to be as unhappy as she is. I never thought the ripples and scars left by that tragedy could be as complicated to heal as my own.
How could you choose a more painful experience between watching a child that has night terrors about their parents leaving them or a child who has a hard time trusting people because they don't feel safe with the person who is supposed to care for them the most? A child who asks why daddy had to die or a child that ask wonders if it was their fault that their mom never did their hair or bathed them and would leave for days at a time? Which is worse? The truth is, they both are and comparing the two only makes it more painful.
What is boils down to is that it's ultimately not about divorce vs. death, but it's about love. While I wouldn't wish a death of a spouse on anyone, I can say that I am thankful for the love that Jeremy gave me, and I would NEVER trade it, even if I had known I would lose him so soon. And while I certainly would never wish a divorce on anyone, I know that divorced parents are not DEAD parents. But to feel a parent choose to leave is a painful trail in and of itself. I get frustrated in either situation by people who abuse these experiences to hurt others, or put children in the middle of it. In my book, that's unacceptable. To feel unconditional love is to be given wings in a very heaven laden world. Love matters, and when you get to experience it, no matter how short of time you have it for, it changes you and the way you see the world. It makes the harder parts easier to walk through. It make life worth living.
At the end of the day, we love our way through grief and divorce when our children struggle, because love is bigger than both, and the only thing that gives us the strength to keep going. We might not always have the right answers, but we are sure they cannot be out loved.
In the end, love wins.
6 comments:
I am SO thankful that love wins in the end...I have a parent that chose to walk away after divorce and although it is an experience that has caused me a lot of pain, I was an adult and able to cling to my faith.
Watching LJ try to reason his story is much harder, especially when Ty's adoption is so open and dripping in love. LJ's little four year old heart doesn't understand why he had six moms in three years. He, too, suffers from nightmares and major insecurity. We continue to trust God with his life and know that love will conquer all.
God bless you guys as you navigate such difficult life lessons.
Well said. Comparing pains gets us nowhere except hurt and unhappy. Both divorce and death are painful things and hurt people. People would be much better served if they loved on and supported each other instead of trying to determine whose pain is "worse" (as if there's some sort of prize for having been through the most pain...).
I read your blog every once in a while and have always appreciated your posts. I began reading because I knew Jeremy briefly through attending RC. Reading about your journey and his love for you and your family has been very touching.
I am actually commenting to thank Steve for being the dad he is. I admit to not knowing his full story through his divorce. However, I do know that having a dad who never leaves and always loves you means everything when you feel abandoned like that. My mom left when I was 10; reading about what you see the girls struggling with is familiar territory. I didn't understand why, when all my friends had their mom's to braid their hair, my dad was the one doing it (or attempting to!) But that right there is what has meant the world to me, he was attempting to. He never left and he always loved. I have been incredibly blessed that my dad has been a man of strength, support, and unconditional love in my life. I am so thankful that love is bigger.
Thank you for your posts and the love you share here,
Jessica
What a beautiful post--it brought me to tears.
I don't know how I came upon your blog a few years ago, but I read it often. Your way with words is so eloquent and honest, and I so often find that what you say echoes what is in my heart.
That said, I am not a widow. I am a divorcee. Shortly after Jeremy died my husband chose divorce for our family, and I have so often wanted to comment and tell you that so much of what you describe about grief related to death was also what I was feeling about grief related to betrayal and mistrust. I have actually composed a number of comments, only to delete them because I didn't want you to think I was being insensitive by comparing divorce to death. Thank you for helping me heal from my own pain through your words.
After reading this post I hope you understand that in NO WAY do I think death and divorce are the same in the sense that Amanda described, that in no way do I think one is easier than the other, but I do think that the grief of divorce is very real and in some ways, similar. My husband was gone and the dreams and hopes I had for my family had changed forever. My son had to learn to live without his father, and asks questions about why, and I have to try and come up with answers that do not hurt him or tarnish his father's image. I have to live without my partner, the one who was supposed to protect me from the world but who brought more pain into my life than anyone ever has. Neither death nor divorce trumps the other, they are different. They have different effects and different processes, but the pain of both is very real and both are filled with grief in their own ways. That's why I think your words have helped me--because I've dealt with my own form of grief and reading your posts through my own filter has been healing.
And like you, I now have someone amazing in my life who is helping me through all of that. His boys' mother is not a healthy woman either, and like you I watch his sons process the fact that their mother has chosen herself over them time and time again. I am so thankful that love is winning in our homes, and that together we will create a family and a home were we love each other and work through it all together.
"In the end, love wins."
Thanks for your inspiring and insightful words.
-Andrea
What a beautiful post--it brought me to tears.
I don't know how I came upon your blog a few years ago, but I read it often. Your way with words is so eloquent and honest, and I so often find that what you say echoes what is in my heart.
That said, I am not a widow. I am a divorcee. Shortly after Jeremy died my husband chose divorce for our family, and I have so often wanted to comment and tell you that so much of what you describe about grief related to death was also what I was feeling about grief related to betrayal and mistrust. I have actually composed a number of comments, only to delete them because I didn't want you to think I was being insensitive by comparing divorce to death. Thank you for helping me heal from my own pain through your words.
After reading this post I hope you understand that in NO WAY do I think death and divorce are the same in the sense that Amanda described, that in no way do I think one is easier than the other, but I do think that the grief of divorce is very real and in some ways, similar. My husband was gone and the dreams and hopes I had for my family had changed forever. My son had to learn to live without his father, and asks questions about why, and I have to try and come up with answers that do not hurt him or tarnish his father's image. I have to live without my partner, the one who was supposed to protect me from the world but who brought more pain into my life than anyone ever has. Neither death nor divorce trumps the other, they are different. They have different effects and different processes, but the pain of both is very real and both are filled with grief in their own ways. That's why I think your words have helped me--because I've dealt with my own form of grief and reading your posts through my own filter has been healing.
And like you, I now have someone amazing in my life who is helping me through all of that. His boys' mother is not a healthy woman either, and like you I watch his sons process the fact that their mother has chosen herself over them time and time again. I am so thankful that love is winning in our homes, and that together we will create a family and a home were we love each other and work through it all together.
"In the end, love wins."
Thanks for your inspiring and insightful words.
-Andrea
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