Every year, I write a letter to my children on their birthday.
I also wrote to them when I was pregnant.
I would like to continue this tradition, and you're invited to read along.
My dear sweet Carter,
There's something about knowing your name that makes it so much easier to write to you. I've been wanting to write to you since day 1, but wanted to wait til I could address it with your name. Carter Jackson. My little peanut.
This entire journey for me so far has felt new. Nothing has been familiar, completely different than my first two pregnancies. It's been so special to feel like all these stages and milestones are new again. Even though I've been feeling you move for awhile now, I still wake up every morning so excited for the day when you really kick, to feel life alive inside me.
What has really been new about this journey is how you came to be. I thought my family was complete. I thought I was happy with 2 kids. Then one day, it's as if God tapped me on the shoulder and said "What if you're not done yet? You still have more love to give." You see, Carter, Mommy was being selfish. Sometimes I got tired of chasing after kids. Sometimes I got lazy and didn't want to read books before bed. Sometimes I got selfish and wanted time for me. I thought I didn't have room to add any more responsibility. But I felt the weight of selfishness on my shoulders and knew that God had bigger plans for me and my family. Even in the midst of my selfishness, I gave God a very small window of trust and control, and He knew that's all I needed. God had YOU planned all along...
And I'm so thankful. Already you have turned my world upside down, making me reevaluate my life and what I really want. You've set my priorities back to leaning and trusting in God's wisdom. When I look back at all those things that took up my time and made me tired, I wouldn't trade any of those moments. Those were the times that tried me, shaped me, molded me, challenged me, and made me see what life is really all about. "Life is the messy bits." I know this to be true wholeheartedly.
I can't deny that I'm nervous. A little scared, even. Unsure about how our lives will adjust, what rhythm our family will take, and where we are going to put you! But I rest as ease knowing you will complete our sweet family. I don't deserve you, but here you are. You deserve better than me, but I promise to give you everything I have. We were meant to be together, and I can't wait for the day you become my Valentine.
I love you, Carter.