Then this whole spiral of thoughts flooded me. I did it all by myself. Even though I will never be the same, I will survive this. I did it all by myself. I'm a lot stronger than I realized. I did it all by myself. I'm so weak and still feel like I'm falling apart all the time. I did it all by myself. I don't want to go through life all by myself. This thought hit me hardest.
So much life has happened and all of it is because of Jeremy. I often fantasize about what my day would look like if Jeremy was still here. But everything would be different. None of the great things that have happened would have occurred if he were still alive. But I pretend. How incredible life would be if Jer were here: I feel like I would be in a pretty great place. Funny how one factor is removed and everything crumbles.
Life keeps moving forward. I have no choice in the matter. All I know is even though I'm in it, it still feels like it's all happening around me. Like I'm watching everything go by while I go through the motions. Some days are fine and I get by, but I still feel so lost and when I put my head on my pillow at night and finally get a few seconds to myself, it's like a stabbing knife wound reopened every time.
How did I get here? How did this become my life?
10 comments:
Hi Vee,
I found your blog a few months ago through the LoveBomb thing. I still read every post though, and I think of you alot. Nobody that has not been through what you have could even begin to know what you're going through, but my heart does truly break for you and the things you have had to overcome without your husband- who sounds like he was a really really amazing husband, dad, and friend. I just wanted to let you know that even here, 7 months later, there are still so many people praying for you and your family and thinking of you often.
Abby
i have been reading your blog for awhile and never commented...i just wanted to tell you that i think you are amazing. i have been praying for you and your sweet children. and yes, you did this all by yourself! amazing.
Thanks for checking in Vee, it'd be awhile since we'd heard from you but I still think of you and your family often. It's amazing how fast life changes and even more crazy how sometimes we don't even realize it until we take the time to stop and look. Hugs and prayers always!
I'm an avid reader of your blog, but I've never really commented. I really admire your strength and how honestly you share your emotions. I won't even pretend that I know what you're going through, but I'm sure you're helping other people by putting it out there in a raw and honest way. I keep you and your family in my thoughts.
You are so strong and so amazing. You are someone we can all look up to. I am so happy you are keeping on. Happy thoughts and hugs to you and your beautiful family.
Peace and strength to you and the kiddos.
I too have been reading your blog after hearing your story from one of my friends. You have amazing strength whether you realize it or not. My best friend died suddenly two years ago and having to watch her husband and daughter in the aftermath has been and continues to be excruciating. I pray that you find peace in your heart and comfort in knowing that there are people that are thinking and praying for you often.
PS. thanks for updating your blog. It's been a while :)
i hear you- vee. you left a comment about the one year mark on my blog...i have been a bit overwhelmed about putting it in words, but i will soon, but wanted to tell you- it was OK. it was even...fine. for me at least. now it feels a little difficult- this second year, but nothing i think more difficult than what we've already gone through. it helps me to keep thinking, no matter how much more pain i have to feel- the worst already happened. i kept thinking, as i wrote on the blog, on that day- he didn't die today, he died a year ago.
i also planned quite a bit to honor him with family and friends- and for me- that helped. i didn't dwell on the date so much because i was busy. i think others cried more than i did at the graveside memorial because i live and breath this grief but for them it was jarring.
i recommend planning for the days before, the actual day, and the first few days afterwards- so you have activities but also rest/help. i think preparing/planning for those difficult days really helped me.
i know everyone's different- but just my advice having just been through it.
much love and peace to you- julia (dearmissaudrey.blogpsot.com)
You are incredibly strong. I don't comment often because everything I think I want to say sounds so inadequate because you are such an inspiration.
Wish there was something we could do, Vee. Still reading, still thinkin of you always. Stay strong. Like everyone else has said, you are such an inspiration. And you have done this by yourself and you are amazing because of it. But know that all these strangers are here with you too!
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