tired

I feel so tired, babe. Yes, I know it's 2 o'clock in the morning, but I don't just mean tonight. The last few days, it's all I've wanted to do is sleep. I feel like all this stupid deja vu coming back to me this week, and my body and mind are shutting down to get through it. I've gone numb. I'm not ready to experience death like this again so soon.


I've also noticed my emotions going numb. I feel like the longer I've been at this 'grief journey' the higher wall I put up around other people. I don't cry much around others. Even when I want to, I usually just don't. I let out a lot at the hospital and I wailed like I haven't wailed before. And yet I've found myself recalling the events twice now without a flinch of emotion. Monday morning was perhaps one of the most horrific experiences in my life, and yet I'm emotionless. Just on the outside, though, my insides are falling apart. I put on a good game face. 


I miss you baby. I can't believe I'm doing this all over again so soon. I'm not ready. I don't want to try to be strong again. I hate pretending that everything's gonna be alright - how do I know if that's true. UGH.


I need you.


I love you with all that I am.