less than a decade

I've been thinking a lot lately about how I will have only known you in my twenties. We started dating shortly after I turned 20 and got married shortly before I turned 21. You died when I was 28. That's it - less than a decade. The best and worst decade of my entire life. And it's pain and experience will bleed onto every other decade I live.

I want to find happiness in the decades to come. If I'm gonna be stuck here, I want it to mean something. I want to be loved. I want to feel meaning in my life again. I want the kids to thrive and rise against the odds. I want there to be more than this...

I'm having a hard time with the fact that one year is approaching. It's not the day itself, but the idea of it all is suffocating me. I'm back to crying every day, finding myself pacing for no reason, forgetting things, get lost in thought. I'm realizing how much healing I still have to do, how scared I am for the future, and how much I still just hurt like hell.

I miss you baby. 
I love you always and forever.


J. Johnson said...

I've been there. (I'm Chris' friend who sent you a package through him.) Please know that the anticipation of the day will be worse than the day itself. We (my children and I) spent the first anniversary doing things that he loved to do - going out to breakfast, doing puzzles, walking in the forest preserve. It was the build-up to the day that was hard. The day itself was actually full of good memories of him.

Jill said...

Wishing that virtual (and real) hugs can make it all easier. And hoping that they do at least make it a little easier. The only way to get through all of this is to literally go through it - crappy as that is.


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