Sorry it took us so long to come back to your memorial to visit. I pass by all the time and want to stop by but we just haven't. I can see your name on the stone from the road, and it sends my heart to my throat every time. I can't believe I'm reading your name. That's you. You're dead. How can that be? But it was good to be there with you. I want to bring things to you, but don't know where to put them or if they'll last or get ruined.

I spent a lot of time today picturing you in this house. Which spot would you pick to sit and watch TV? How high would you stand in the hallway? What would you look like sitting at the desk, washing the dishes, folding laundry?

I miss your laugh today. I can still hear it in my head, but I feel like it's fading.

Carter was such a happy baby today, so so sweet. We did good, baby. I wish you could see him and how handsome he is. You would just be smitten, I know it.

I got so mad today when I was thinking about an event and couldn't remember if you were there or not. I wasn't sure if it happened before or after you died. I felt so embarrassed that it's starting to feel that way, it's frustrating!

Watched the Notebook tonight. Why? I have no idea. I hadn't seen it since it was in theaters and didn't remember the ending. It smacked me so suddenly, I wanted to throw the TV outside and cuss and kick and scream. Stupid movie. Stupid old people in love who get to die together. Stupid sappy crap. My 3 year old tantrum came out. It's just not fair.

Just random bits and pieces that basically all add up to me missing you terribly. 

I love you with all that I am.

1 comment:

Desi said...

Be mad! Get it out! It's totally understandable. Don't be embarrassed. Just be you. You are doing the best you can to get through this. No one is judging you. If anything, we all are in amazement at how you've handled this and kept going on. I dunno if I could go on like you have. Please don't ever feel ashamed to express your true feelings! That anger and your tantrum are totally acceptable and a necessary part of your grief. God how I wish I could help you or ease your sadness!


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