you should be here

Today was an absolutely beautiful weather day. The perfect fall day to go to the Cider Mill. Any other time, I would be jumping up and down, literally begging you to take me, but this year I did it out of obligation to carry on our tradition and cause I promised the kids I would take them. Oh yea, and I had a coupon for a dozen free donuts.

As soon as we got there, I went instantly back to every year we've gone, looking at the bench we sat at to eat our donuts last year, the spot the kids sat to take their picture two years ago, the stairs where I took a grumpy picture of Faith cause she didn't want to have her photo taken when she was 2. This was literally right at the top of my list of favorite family things to do and I felt you missing today so much stronger than before. You should be here picking out fudge with the kids, petting the goats and chasing Caleb down the trail and walking the kids along the river. You should be here making yummy noises while eating the fresh donuts and complaining about the ridiculous price of a tiny cider slush that you are required to get for me. You should be here pushing the stroller, letting Carter taste donuts for the first time (which he LOVED by the way - no shocker there, he's your kid) and tickling him and smothering him with kisses. 

You should be here.

The kids remembered too. When we turned the corner to get in line to buy donuts, Faith and Caleb said 'remember when Daddy took us to the Cider Mill when I was 3? Remember when Daddy said the goats were really stinky? Remember when we got to watch the donuts being made with Daddy?' I pray every single day that their memories of you never fade.

I miss you baby, in a way I can't put to words. You should be here, damn it.
I love you with all that I am.


Jaynn said...

I have been reading your blog for the past, oh I don't know, 6 months? I cry with almost every entry you make. Your family is beautiful, your struggle so palpable... my heart aches for you. Will it ever get easier? I can not fathom the strength you must have each day to carry on. Today, I read about your Cider Mill visiit. I am originally from Michigan and visiting the cider mill was always such a huge treat for me, as a kid and then as a young adult. So glad that you can still go there - I bet it was very special for your children.

Sending you and yours love from afar (Arizona). Maybe warm wishes carry across the miles.

Ashley said...

That sweet boy looks JUST like his daddy! Isn't that a beautiful thing? Always thinking about and praying for you and your sweet family! :)

Desi said...

I pray too that their memories never fade, and that yours don't either. And I'm so glad that you are documenting this so it will make the memories easier and help them last longer.


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