10.19.2011

turning point


I think I've come to a fork in the road.

As the one year anniversary of your death approaches and hovers over my head, I feel so much anxiety, disbelief, and sorrow for just having to survive it. Not necessarily the day, but the entire idea of you being gone a whole year. I also cannot believe that I'm still standing. An entire year, are you sure? On this day last year, we were making applesauce together as a family. The last real pictures I took of you were one year ago today. It suddenly feels like a lifetime ago.

On the flip side, I've noticed a turning point in my grief. I pointed it out to Sarah the other day, I've felt like I'm finally at a place where I can look outside myself. Not all the time, it comes and goes, but it's there. A few people I know are suffering lately: my parents who are still very heavily grieving my brother, a friend who is going through a dissolving marriage, another friend whose mother is in the hospital - they have all been heavy on my heart. And for the first time since Jer died, I really felt the truth: things could be much worse. 6 months ago, no one had seen a greater tragedy than me and my children. And even if I prayed for others, I still felt such injustice for my own situation. I still feel the injustice sometimes, but I'm coming to terms with it. We live in a fallen world, God said the load we bear would be heavy. And even in my darkest moments lately, I'm able to see a few things: I have loved and been loved, I have seen what love can do. I have been given many incredible blessings in my life including three beautiful children and wonderful friendships. I found this as my Facebook status last year: 

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”

I don't know that I will ever stop desiring you, babe. Ever. But what I know is that happiness is a decision and I have very consciously decided to hold onto my unhappiness. It's safe there. And you're there. I don't want to let go of my grief and lose the grip I have on you. But every time I grab pieces of gratefulness, or dip my toes into thankfulness, I realize you're still there. Just in a different form. 

Sometimes I have no idea what I'm talking about. Okay, most of the time. This grief journey has proven anything but predictable. Today, I feel thankful for what God has shown me out of the ashes. Tomorrow, I may be covered in soot. I just want to remember that no matter what I do or where I go, I know you'll be there no matter what. 

I'm still holding on to my promise. I'm gonna make you proud someday baby.

I miss you.
I love you always and forever.


8 comments:

Donna said...

This is one of the most powerful things I have ever read. Thank you.

Sarah-Life is what you make it said...

this makes me smile. Its so normal to not want to give up the grieve because you'll feel like you let Jer go. You have come so far in in the past year!

Anonymous said...

I read your blog and it brings tears to my eye and puts such an ache in my heart. You are so strong and brave. Your children are so lucky to have you. Who knows why there things happen? I have no idea, but I do believe in God and his plan. You will be in my prayers. Keep the faith and love in your heart. Your husband will always be with you in spirit. Happier days are ahead, and that does not diminish anything you shared with him.

xoxoxo

Glenda said...

love this post. love that quote (i'm stealing it if it's okay with you) because it is so very true.

stay strong
peace & strength

Delaney said...

Soo beautiful. Your words are so beautiful. your strength. it really is all inspiring to me. praying for you often.

The Better Baker said...

You're making progress in climbing that mountain of grief. Keep on keeping on...I'm sure it's tough to think of letting go...but you won't ever let go of your beloved. He will live forever in your heart. Keep looking up. Love & Prayers. XO

Anonymous said...

I don't know you but have been following your journey-- just wanted to say that this post is really speaking to where I'm at in my own painful circumstances right now. When you say "Today, I feel thankful for what God has shown me out of the ashes. Tomorrow, I may be covered in soot" ... I feel I can relate on some level-- grief is so, so unpredictable. Some days I feel I am making progress-- other days I feel I am right back to where I started. In my own life, I know that moving on is good, but it feels like giving up in a lot of ways-- and can be terrifying. Know that in your brokenness and honesty, you still inspire others. Praying for you.

Anonymous said...

While reading the blog of a girl I know, she mentioned you, so i clicked and got sucked in for the past 6 months. I always pray for you and your adorable family. My heart breaks every time I read your posts and I can't bare to think of the unthinkable happening to me. While I was in Subway one day, I saw you with your little ones, took me a while to realize where I "knew" you from, but when I did, I had to keep from hugging you and just thanking you for giving me the insight to see what is really important in life. I used to have really bad anxiety over the little things like money.. But now because of you, I am anxiety free from that stuff, because you've helped me realize what is so important in life. What really matters, what can be lost so fast, and now i thank the Lord every night for what I have in my life. I do not dwell in what I don't have anymore, but rejoice in all the everyday blessings I've been given. Please know how much you've helped even strangers. I just wish it wasn't in these circumstances. GodBless <3

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