I feel very numb today. I'm full of emotions: anger, confusion, love, agony, uncertainty, and just utterly sad. Brian was too young. Our family has endured enough. I thought we watched Brian cheat death over and over before so that he would rise up against it and change the world. He had the brains and the personality to do it. I know he had the desire. I'm so broken that he couldn't overcome his addictions.
Today, after they tried to test Brian's brain function with a breathing test and we came back, I knew it was over. He did not respond at all, and when we came back to the room, he was cold, pale, and stiff. I tried to move his fingers around mine like I had all morning to hold his hand, and I couldn't. It scared me to death. And within minutes, he was gone. I'm haunted by the image of my brother's face, and watching his stats suddenly go to 0. I will say that I am so so thankful I was there holding his hand. It allowed me to grieve him and you both, because I didn't get that chance with you.
Today I begged and pleaded with God that Brian would not get to see you before me. I wanted to trade places with him desperately, my jealousy was so strong. But I pictured you smacking him for putting us all through this, and then embracing him like a little brother you never had, showing him around, and teaching him how to look out for the people he left behind.
You know how much I loved Brian, and how many prayers we lifted up together on his behalf, how many tears I shed worrying about him. I'm glad he isn't struggling anymore. But I've said it before - dying is easy. It's the surviving that sucks.
I find myself grieving for both of you tonight, and it's a little more than I can handle. Life really does sucks sometimes.
I miss you baby. Watch over my baby brother. I know you will.
I love you with all that I am.
24 comments:
I am so so sorry for this loss, Vee - Brian sounds like he was a great brother, despite his private battle with addiction. Please know that I am going to stop at my church today on the way home and light a candle for him.
I know God is in control - but sometimes I wish we could take the wheel - just once - and change our direction ever so slightly. But I know that's not the way it is.
Again, my deepest sympathies to you and your family during this sad time.
The Taylors in Baltimore MD
I am so sorry....I don't even know what to say...you have so many people praying for you. I hope that gives you some comfort.
I am so truly sorry for your loss.
I am SO sorry for your loss! I can't even begin to imagine the pain you feel, while still grieving the loss of your husband, to lose your brother too. Wow, the pain is just truly unimaginable and I am SO SO SO sorry! We don't know one another, but I will continue to pray for you and your family.
Addiction is an awful, awful thing. I lost my father at the age of 59 because of it, and we lost my father-in-law at the age of 48 because of it. Although your brother was so much younger, and had much more life to live, addiction is just beyond tragic. Thankfully, he is free of it now, but I know you wish for nothing more then for him to be healed of his addictions this side of Heaven. I'm SO sorry that he was not.
I will be praying!
I recently found your blog and enjoy reading it.
I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you and your family are going through. I pray for you and your family as well as Brian's child and his Mother.
Even though we do not know eachother, my heart grieves for you. I am so sorry for your loss, especially considering what you've already endured. May you feel the arms of Christ wrapped around you. Praying for you.
"dying is easy. It's the surviving that sucks"
Yes ma'am.
Praying even harder for you today!!! So sorry about your brother!
My heart breaks for you and your family. Please know that while I don't get to comment all the time I do continue to lift you in my prayers. Our love to you all.
OH Hun my prayers and love to you and your family.. I am so sorry for your loss and that of your family's.
Vee, I cannot believe you are going through this. Your strength and courage is amazing. I know you probably feel empty and weak but you are stronger than you know. The Lord is shining bright bright bright through you! Praying for your family and you!
Vee, so sorry to hear about your brother! Big prayers and hugs to you.
We don't know one another, but everyday i check your blog and lift my prayer up for you and your family. Today, I will being sending extra prayers to help you deal with the loss of your brother. Sometimes life seems so unfair...and i have to remember that He has a greater plan. I pray that you will have friends and family to hold you close, a moment of peace in this time, and the understanding that you are helping so many people with your blog. God IS holding you in the palm of his hand.
I am so sorry for your loss...
Heidi
I am just so sorry for your loss. There are no words for the heaviness I feel for your family.
I'm in tears reading your blog. It's amazing that you can find the words to describe your emotions at this time. I can't even find the words that will comfort you or make it better. Just know that even though we have not been close over our adult years, I still care about you and your family dearly. I live in Royal Oak now, so I'm not too far from Rochester. If you need anything, I mean ANYTHING, you just let me know! I love you and know that you will find peace soon.
I'm so sorry for your loss Vee. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
So sorry to hear about the loss of your brother. Praying for you and your family.
I'm sending prayers for all of your family here on earth and in heaven.
Vee, my heart aches for you and your family. I think of you often, even though I don't believe we've ever met. (I grew up attending RCC, sang in MDYC and have a few of the same friends as you.)
Know that each of you are being lifted up. I pray that our Heavenly Father gives you the peace and strength that only He can.
Holly
I have been following your blog for a few months now but this is the first time I'm posting a message. I just couldn't not say anything during this time. My heart simply aches for you. No one should have to go through this once let alone twice in less than a year. You are a brave and strong woman and I hope you know that people from all around the world are thinking of you each and every day. Please accept my sincerest condolences to you and your family. I hope this is the last of your heartache - you've certainly had more than your fair share. Take care.
My heart hurts and aches for the tragic loss of your brother. I'm SO sorry. I just knew you would not be happy that he got to see Jer before you did...I think that's a very natural emotion. Praying for you and your family now. May our loving Lord do for you what no one else on earth can possibly do - He'll cover you with His amazing grace. Keep looking up. God is using you in great and mighty ways.
crying with you. wishing i could say something more than "i'm so sorry." but i am...so, so sorry. feel free to email me through my blog if you need to talk/vent or anything else- we could even chat on the phone one of these days- after things calm down again.
you are not alone.
though i don't understand it-God has not forgotten you or your family.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your brother. May you find strength in those around you, comfort by those who love you, and promise for better times to come. God Bless.
oh vee. I'm so sorry, I've been away for a week and didn't read the this post before the others. I am deeply sorry for your loss. Keep God near you, prayers again.
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