10 months

10 months.

The months are now in the double digits. And yet, still no sign of reality making any sense. My brain rejects the possibility of you never coming back, while my body recognizes the absence and knows it's been too long already. My heart is broken and hardened at the same time.

I'm getting to the point where I feel like all I ever to do is complain. I want to tell you how great everything is, how blessed I am. I want to talk to you about how thankful I am. I'm still breathing, living in a beautiful home, raising three of sweetest and most beautiful children who love me unconditionally, I have great friends and family....I want that to be enough. Enough to fill my heart. I open my computer with a smile and a sigh of accomplishment, then my fingers hit the keys to write to you - and reality flashes at me and I remember why it feels like something is always missing. All the validity in my survival of the day seemed sucked out by the realization that it never means you're coming back.

I receive daily emails from GriefShare every morning, which are basically words of encouragement for grievers and testimonies from people who have lost loved ones. The one this morning struck a chord with me:

Margi, who lost her husband, says, "I eventually came to a point in my life where I just said to the Lord, 'I'm going to stop asking You why, and I will begin asking You how. How can I use this in my life so that it will glorify You? I want to be able to use this to witness to others and encourage them through whatever it is You are trying to teach me.'" 

I don't know how far long in her grief journey Margi was, but her words inspired me. I want to be like that, I want to know how I can use this to do something - anything - that might help make sense of it all. I'm not all there yet, but that's where I want to be. I want to be where Margi is.

I miss you. There will never be a second of my life where that won't be true. 
I love you always and forever.


Melanie said...

Thank you for this post. While my story is different than yours (childhood sexual abuse), that quote also struck a chord with me. Continuing to lift you up in prayer. Blessings!

megan said...

"My heart is broken and hardened at the same time."

and, thank you for that grief-share. I am at day 364 with them, and just about the renew again. The one you posted was the one I needed today.

Laura Stewart said...

Veronica, Such a beautiful post today. I have not experienced the losses that you have experienced but I lost my dad at a young age and we lost our little daughter Leah, and I can say that the turning point for me was when I started asking God how I could use my loss to bring hope to someone else. Perspective makes so much difference. I know that you are already helping others through this blog and through your story. I pray that God will show you evidences of the lives you are touching and how he will bring healing to you and your precious kids through sharing your story.

Angela Moore said...

Thank you for the post. I lost my husband three months ago as of yesterday. I'm 34 weeks pregnant with our third child. I've been following your blog for several weeks now and you've helped me in so many ways. Please keep writing.

Desi said...

Vee I think you are already using this in your life to glorify God. Your story touches so many, it truly touches me and has taught me to treasure my fiancee and those I love. I applaud you and the way you've handled this. And I can tell you are an amazing mother to those kids. I think you are definitely already doing a whole lot. I know it's probably hard to make sense of it all though, cuz it DOESN'T make sense! Just know that I think the world of you (and have never met you!) :)


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