My heart was beating out of my chest most of the morning today. I didn't sleep hardly at all last night and I woke up way too early. It felt like my first day of high school or something.
Thankfully, Sarah had spent the night so that she could help me in the morning. What an angel she is to me. Surely more tears would have fallen today without her. We even managed to get really cute pictures taken early in the morning before all the rain came the rest of the day. Caleb went to school like a pro, I was proud of him because he usually clings.
Faith was a different story. She was very brave until we had to leave. I felt her hesitation cause she's in a new place and everything is unfamiliar. But she rode the bus for the first time ever and was chatting about her day when she came home. Phew, one day down....a lifetime more to go.
This year it's going to be crazy. The kids are in school at different times (Caleb in AM, Faith in PM), they're doing soccer and ballet, I have to drive Faith to school every day since the bus only drives her home, and I apparently have to wait for the bus 5 houses down from us with an infant all through the winter because they can't stop the bus in front of my house to drop her off and I have to be at the bus door in order for them to let her off. It's gonna get interesting. My brain is already about to explode reading all the things I have to pick up at the store, pictures I have to order, supplies I need to donate, homework I'll have to do with them, etc.
Even so, I was proud to have survived today. If I can survive today, surely I can survive tomorrow. I can only think one day at a time. We're gonna do this. My kids are rock stars.
Thanks for watching over us today, love. I know you would have been so proud of our sweet children as they put on their brave faces. I'm pretty anxious about what the school year is going to hold for them both and how we're going to have to adjust to this new normal as a broken family. I felt compelled to email Faith's teacher and give her a heads up about everything going on - not because I want Faith's grief to be a crutch or a reason to be treated differently, but so that she can keep an eye on how she's behaving and also to know that it's ok for Faith to talk about you, make things for you, and continue to address you as a part of our family. Because you still very much are.
I managed to hold back tears until I laid down to nap with Caleb and watched him sleep thinking about how much he looked like you. I silently sobbed that you're missing all this, and my heart broke for him in that moment. And then I couldn't stop until my eyes were so heavy they gave in.
I miss you. I miss the way you loved us and completed our family. I miss the father of my children.
I love you with all that I am.