sucker punched

I don't know what it is lately, but I feel like I keep getting sucker-punched with reminders that you're never coming back, and the terrible effect it is having on our family. 

Heaven has been on my heart and mind constantly lately. I talk about it with the kids, so that they don't fear death and they know that you are happy and in a good place. Before we pray, we talk about what you and God and Uncle Brian are doing up there, and what they think Heaven will be like. I try to keep it lighthearted, but I know they ache for you. Caleb said he wished we had a giant ladder to put on our roof so you could climb down from Heaven and not be dead for a little while. Faith told me that she cried for you today (she didn't want me to know) because she missed you and dreamt of you. 

Caleb asked me today if I wanted to get dead. It threw me off cause I was afraid of what he was asking. I think he was just trying to sort out in his head if I was going to leave him, but my heart nearly fell to the floor when he asked. The sad thing is, Sarah and I were watching Biggest Loser tonight and there are 60+ year olds on the show this season talking about how they want to stick around for a long long time to watch their grandchildren grow up and all I could think of is 'Gosh, I don't want to live that long.' This feeling kills me, and I feel so guilty for thinking this way. I don't want to leave our children, I don't want them to grow up as orphans. I'm not suicidal. But I ache for you and for Heaven so deeply, it consumes me sometimes. This may be part of the motivation behind Caleb's question. 

The real slap in face happened this afternoon when I went downstairs to do my Insanity workout. The kids were playing down there and I hadn't paid much attention to what they were doing. Suddenly, I stopped dead in my tracks when I realized what the kids were doing - they were playing house and taking turns being the Daddy who dies. What stopped me was Faith's panicked voice as she frantically tried to wake up Caleb calling out 'Daddy! Wake up! Are you okay?!' It sent chills down my spine. If Caleb laid there too long, Faith would magically bring him back to life. When they traded places, they talked about how they would die - heart stopping or drowning. OUR KIDS SHOULD NOT KNOW OF THESE THINGS! I fell to my knees, rocked back and forth on the floor, sobbing. 

Oh, Jer, I wish I knew what I was doing. I feel like I should be doing better by now, but I'm suffocating in this. I'm so heartbroken that our kids are exposed to such pain and loss at such a young age and they don't understand it. I wish so bad that I could take this away for them.

I miss you, baby. More than anything.
I love you with all my heart.


Anonymous said...

Tears flowing for you right now, I don't know how you do it, but I pray it gets easier for you soon, very very soon!

Mommy's Sippy Cup said...

This brought me to tears, and can't imagine the hurt you endure on a daily basis. I wish I had words of comfort for you.

I am keeping you in my prayers.

Kendra said...

oh vee...my heart breaks for you..it literally makes me want to vomit imagining the pain you feel everyday,& like you said,those babies need you,they need you to grow to be old & to be grandma one day & i know its hard to even think of that now..i was 19 when my mom died suddenly,and my dad has literally mourned himself..he won't clean,or cook,he loved my mama so much & its like he can't climb over the mountain to live life to some sense of normalcy & enjoy his grandbabies as much as he could,and november 13th she'll be gone 6 years..much love to you vee,caleb,faith & carter!

Sarina said...

Every day I read your blog and Im just in tears at my desk. Your writing is so beautiful and pure, I feel I can actually feel what you are going through, though I have never been through anything that comes close. You are an amazingly strong woman, even if you dont feel that way.

megan said...


Glenda said...

My heart breaks for you and the kids. They are so young...they shouldn't know about death.

Peace & strength to you and the kiddos. Baby steps...

Nicole Courson said...

Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

It's really hard to watch children reinact or even discuss parts of our lives that we wish our children didn't know of. It's a shameful feeling, isn't it? But what can we do to stop it? This is their way of dealing with it..maybe it's their way of accepting it.
My daughters' father hasn't been around in over a year, he became a Heroin Addict. My children are aware of his addiction/sickness...and I have caught them pretending to be "drunk" (which is what, at their age, they believe drugs do to you) and reinacting things their father has done, very embarassing things (like stealing). My first reaction to it was "Stop! Play something else...play nice." But I really think they just need to do this, and I try to leave the room when they are expressing themselves this way because it's extremly hard to witness this as their Mother.
You and your children are in my prayers :)

Jo Julia said...

i guess i echo what everyone says- my heart is broken for our kids. it is def. the most difficult thing to persevere in faith with and the most torturous to hear words like this. i'm so sorry you heard them alone.

On a lighter note, got me wondering what an Insanity workout is, and You're exercising? Wow- impressed. :)

Anonymous said...

Vee I am so sorry for your loss. Like everyone knows kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. They pick up on things whether we want them to or not. I know you are in pain but you are not alone! Everyone is here for you. Keep you chin up! You are a wonderful mom!

Desi said...

Everything that Sarina said. You're right they shouldn't know about these things! Have you thought about getting them (and yourself) into some counseling? Maybe it could help them process it better. Always always always praying for you.


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