I don't know what it is lately, but I feel like I keep getting sucker-punched with reminders that you're never coming back, and the terrible effect it is having on our family.
Heaven has been on my heart and mind constantly lately. I talk about it with the kids, so that they don't fear death and they know that you are happy and in a good place. Before we pray, we talk about what you and God and Uncle Brian are doing up there, and what they think Heaven will be like. I try to keep it lighthearted, but I know they ache for you. Caleb said he wished we had a giant ladder to put on our roof so you could climb down from Heaven and not be dead for a little while. Faith told me that she cried for you today (she didn't want me to know) because she missed you and dreamt of you.
Caleb asked me today if I wanted to get dead. It threw me off cause I was afraid of what he was asking. I think he was just trying to sort out in his head if I was going to leave him, but my heart nearly fell to the floor when he asked. The sad thing is, Sarah and I were watching Biggest Loser tonight and there are 60+ year olds on the show this season talking about how they want to stick around for a long long time to watch their grandchildren grow up and all I could think of is 'Gosh, I don't want to live that long.' This feeling kills me, and I feel so guilty for thinking this way. I don't want to leave our children, I don't want them to grow up as orphans. I'm not suicidal. But I ache for you and for Heaven so deeply, it consumes me sometimes. This may be part of the motivation behind Caleb's question.
The real slap in face happened this afternoon when I went downstairs to do my Insanity workout. The kids were playing down there and I hadn't paid much attention to what they were doing. Suddenly, I stopped dead in my tracks when I realized what the kids were doing - they were playing house and taking turns being the Daddy who dies. What stopped me was Faith's panicked voice as she frantically tried to wake up Caleb calling out 'Daddy! Wake up! Are you okay?!' It sent chills down my spine. If Caleb laid there too long, Faith would magically bring him back to life. When they traded places, they talked about how they would die - heart stopping or drowning. OUR KIDS SHOULD NOT KNOW OF THESE THINGS! I fell to my knees, rocked back and forth on the floor, sobbing.
Oh, Jer, I wish I knew what I was doing. I feel like I should be doing better by now, but I'm suffocating in this. I'm so heartbroken that our kids are exposed to such pain and loss at such a young age and they don't understand it. I wish so bad that I could take this away for them.
I miss you, baby. More than anything.
I love you with all my heart.