deja vu

Some nights, I stare at the computer screen and can't come up with anything to tell you other than the obvious. I miss you. I love you. I hurt so much without you. But I know you already know, you have to feel it permeating through my skin. 

We took all the kids to the zoo today. It was extremely hot today, but it actually turned out to be a great day to go: no crowds and the animals were surprisingly active, which is always fun. There was a moment when were turning the corner on the path near the Zebras that I had deja vu from that exact spot a few years back, when we went to the zoo with Jon and Holly and the kids. Caleb was tiny and Faith was just a toddler - she had fallen asleep at that spot. I actually looked for the pictures tonight of that day.

Then we walked out of the zoo, and I had deja vu from the trip we took to the zoo last year. I remember you riding Faith on your shoulders and me holding Caleb's hand while he was walking on the half wall around to the parking lot. 

I don't know that I'll ever be able to go to the zoo without thinking about you. It's not like it was a thing we did, but those were special family memories for me. And I see you in every daddy carrying his child on his shoulders or picking him/her up to see the animals, or in every man who's pushing a stroller through the park. I see you in every couple holding hands, and every family walking around with big smiles on their faces, the smiles that know nothing of loss or broken families. I miss that naive and ignorant smile I used to wear.

I miss you baby. It's that sweatshirt in those pictures I love so much and like to lay in.
I love you more than anything.


Anonymous said...

My heart aches for you. I can't even begin to understand or feel what you are going through. One good thing your blog does do is make people appreciate the people in their lives. Every time I read your blog, I squeeze my husband a little tighter, kiss him a little longer and tell him how much he means to me.

Moosey Mommy said...

I can feel your pain through your words. It just makes my heart hurt. I am so sorry. :(

Desi said...

I wish you knew nothing of loss and a broken family. You don't deserve this. No one does. I'll cherish my man everytime I get to hold his hand and walk with him.


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