Today, completely out of nowhere, was an incredibly difficult day. There was nothing special about today in particular, but I shed a lot of tears for you.
It started this morning. A sweet friend gifted me a compilation of CDs she's been collecting for me that she thought I would enjoy or connect with. One was Steven Curtis Chapman's "Beauty Will Rise." I knew the backstory already - the album was made out of the tragedy of losing his 5 year old daughter when her older brother hit her with his vehicle. Unthinkable. I knew the songs would be relatable but I honestly, obliviously, did not expect the emotion it evoked in me. The very first song literally had me sobbing with tears so big I couldn't see where I was going. It articulated Heaven for me in a way I'd been unable to do and it was breathtaking. And heartbreaking.
But it wasn't just that. It's been a tough week without you. We drove up to your parents tonight and it was a long, hard trip. Carter was screaming and there was nothing I could do: he was fed, changed, and extremely tired. At one point, I think all 4 of us were in tears. I was calling out to God. I didn't sign up for this. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up on my own, some moments are so overwhelming. I was crying out for you, to you. I just can't believe how much this still hurts. I feel like all I ever do when I sit down to write you at night is lament, and I want to move forward, but it's just not getting any easier. My heart is still so shattered. I must have worried Faith, because I heard her quietly crying in between my sobs. I asked her if she was crying for me or for you, and she said she was sad for me. We held hands for awhile and I asked her to just keep praying for Mommy. Pray that I can be the best Mommy possible, that my heart will heal, and that our family will always stick together.
I don't know what else to do. I miss you so much it's killing me inside a little more every day. It just takes so much out of me to keep up with the life that used to take two of us to handle.
I cried because I miss you.
I cried for the kids.
I cried out of jealousy for all the people that still have what I've lost.
I cried for my brother, I really miss him terribly too.
I cried for everything you're missing.
I cried out longing to be with you.
I guess I just needed a good cry. There's something cleansing about it, no matter how it hurts to let out. I just wish I felt some sort of resolution at the end of it. But no - still just emptiness where you belong.
I'm looking forward to spending the weekend with your family. They always restore my soul and connect me with parts of my heart that are left behind here. I wish I could just wrap them all up in a big giant hug and protect them from the pain of losing you.
I miss you baby, so much.
I love you always and forever.