The other day while I was playing with Carter in bed, it suddenly dawned on me that I am never going to actually see you with him. I don't why these little details about widowhood creep up on me like that. Of course I knew it, but the reality of it smacked me in that moment. I love telling Faith and Caleb about the way you looked at them when they were born, how captivated you were with them, how much you loved them....I'll never get to share those kinds of stories with Carter. All I get to tell him is that you were so excited to meet him.
Vicki and I were talking about how unbelievable it still seems that I was pregnant when you died and how we all questioned God's purpose in timing. I'm not nearly as bitter and angry as I used to be, but I definitely still have those questions floating in my head: Why would God take you now? But what we both recognized is that Carter saved me. In some very egotistical ways, being pregnant allowed my tragedy to break through a lot of people's hearts and wallets and my family was lifted because of it. But more importantly, I think Carter kept me going because I had no other choice. Babies don't allow you to be selfish. Carter saved his brother and sister. I can't just curl up in fetal position in bed all day, no matter how much I want to, because his little life depends on me getting up and moving forward. He saved me and our family. Perhaps God used the opportunity to bring him knowing that I would lose everything and therefore he would becoming everything.
It's still heartbreaking knowing that this time last year, I was falling asleep to your hand on my belly, feeling for this little guy to kick. He's such a ham, babe. He's a happy baby and completely spoiled. He loves his momma and has started to now say 'da' when he grabs my necklace (which is about 100x a day). He's clapping and blowing raspberries but still lazy as ever when it comes to rolling around or moving. He has three teeth coming in at the same time, which makes for an unhappy baby, but he is generally a very happy boy who growing like a weed.
I never thought I'd get to a place where I'd utter these words, but thank you for giving him to me. I know this was not in either of our plans, but nothing ever seems to be right?
I miss you baby. I wish you see the look on your son's face when I throw him in the air. That's the way I imagine him looking at his daddy.
I love you always and forever.