9.22.2011

what if

I play this torturous game with myself pretty regularly, where I wonder what I would do if you came back today. I don't mean to play, my mind plays and my heart can't help but join. Every time I think about it, I feel my heart jolt, almost fooling myself into believing it could be possible. But the let down after still hurts every time.


Every time I think about what I would do. What would I say? I imagine myself dropping to my knees, sobbing, in sheer and utter gratitude more powerful than any emotion I've ever felt. I'd hang on to your neck, kiss you, and scan my fingers over your face, soaking in every inch of you, asking you where you've been. I'd tell you how you wouldn't believe the hell we'd been through but it suddenly seemed like nothing with you standing in front of me. Then I'd take you to Carter, so you could finally meet the handsome boy we created.


I often think that if everyone were able to feel this kind of devastation in their hearts without having to suffer the actual loss in reality, it could change the world. It would change marriages, families, relationships. It's ironic the knowledge that comes with loss when you can't use it to appreciate what you no longer have. 


"'What' and 'if' are two words as nonthreatening as words come. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: 'What if?'..." -Letters to Juliet

It does haunt me. Every single day.
I miss you baby.
I love you always.






9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Okay, it's finally time for me to admit that I have been checking your blog daily and I end up in tears most times. This one I had no choice to comment on because the part where you said if we could all feel the devastation without it actually happening it could change the world...I agree with you so much. I have two little girls and life can get stressful sometimes...especially in my marriage....I came across your blog just in time because I see the pain in your everyday blogs, and I just can't imagine what you are going through. You have helped me to stop and take a look at what I actually have and appreciate my husband even if things he does drive me crazy sometimes! I hope you take this comment the right way....your blog has just about saved my marriage and for that I thank you. I wish you loved closer....I actually don't even know where you live, but I would love to be a friend to pick you up when you are down.... Your kids are adorable and from what you write you seem like an amazing mom....I think about you daily even though I have never met you (I hope that doesn't sound creepy to you...I really am I normal person!!!)

Have a great Thursday with those little loves of yours, and thanks again.

Sarah Beth said...

I play this game too...except in my day dream I find Jeremy out around town, like in a grocery store and race over to your house to reunite you both. If I had the power to do this or if I had the choice to give anything to make this happen...I wouldn't hesitate. Love you.

Glenda said...

What a beautiful post, and oh so true! The part where you said if we could all feel the devastation without it actually happening it could change the world. I agree with you soooo much.

Peace and strength to you and the kiddos. You are an amazing mom and you have beautiful children.

XO

Sarah-Life is what you make it said...

As anonymous said, you have helped me stop and remember what is truly important in life. Family.

I wish that we lived closer (same country would help!) too.

xo

Anonymous said...

"I often think that if everyone were able to feel this kind of devastation in their hearts without having to suffer the actual loss in reality, it could change the world. It would change marriages, families, relationships. It's ironic the knowledge that comes with loss when you can't use it to appreciate what you no longer have."

Oh my goodness, your words are so powerful. You don't know me and I am one of your anonymous followers. Your story has changed the way I look at my marriage and family but this quote is truly moving. You are changing many lives through this blog...God is truly working through you. I will continue to pray for your sweet family.

Anonymous said...

"I often think that if everyone were able to feel this kind of devastation in their hearts without having to suffer the actual loss in reality, it could change the world. It would change marriages, families, relationships. It's ironic the knowledge that comes with loss when you can't use it to appreciate what you no longer have."

Oh my goodness, your words are so powerful. You don't know me and I am one of your anonymous followers. Your story has changed the way I look at my marriage and family but this quote is truly moving. You are changing many lives through this blog...God is truly working through you. I will continue to pray for your sweet family.

MY LIFE WITH BOYS! said...

WOW. Just like the few above me, It made me stop and take notice as well. I think if we have not been in your shoes we can't possible know the feelings you have. Reading this made me stop in my tracks and really think. Thank you for that.
I am so sorry for your loss. I have also been following your blog for a few months and cried tears with you. You are so raw and real, and I thank you for that. I know that if someone comes across your blog and is walking in your shoes, you will be a source of comfort to them.

Jo Julia said...

i thought this entire post yesterday- why i torture myself imagining it- what i would do, say, how i would touch him, kiss him...why do we do it?

Desi said...

"I often think that if everyone were able to feel this kind of devastation in their hearts without having to suffer the actual loss in reality, it could change the world. It would change marriages, families, relationships. It's ironic the knowledge that comes with loss when you can't use it to appreciate what you no longer have"

This quote, this quote. SO POWERFUL. SO TRUE. If only. We always appreciate things once they're gone. Why can't we truly appreciate them while they're here? Your blog reminds me to do that, because I don't ever wanna wonder what it could be like if I lost him. You write so beautifully and the way you say things just about reaches into my chest and speaks directly to my heart. You are a beautiful writer, have you thought about pursuing it as a career? I think you have the talent, ability, wisdom to write and help others through your writing.

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