a new season

A new haircut for school

For the first time in my life, I'm not looking forward to fall. And I didn't even realize it until the other day. I'm actually dreading it. This upcoming season feels so much more heavy than anything over the last 10 months. Fall was our favorite time of year, for completely different reasons. You were excited about hunting season, fantasy football, and making homemade applesauce. I was excited about school, the beautiful colors and smells of the season, and the Cider Mill. Fall in Michigan is the best but now it feels so lifeless. Now each fall, I'll have to anticipate another anniversary of your death. 

The kids are starting school tomorrow. EEK! The last few days, I've been getting so anxious, wanting to make sure I don't screw this up for them. Trying to overcome my 'widow brain' to make sure I don't forget things, and I've been agonizing over the fact that you're not here. I've been crying at the drop of a hat, moody with the kids, and I've noticed it's all from this anticipation of facing this season without you. The kids like to play this game where we talk about what you'd be doing if you were here. "If Daddy were here, he'd take Caleb to school in the morning before work, and make sure he took a long lunch to see Faith off on her first day of Kindergarten." "If Daddy were here, he'd go to my soccer games and teach me how to play." "If Daddy were here, he wouldn't believe how beautiful Faith has gotten and how old she is." "If Daddy were here, he'd be head over heels in love with Carter."

We also like to talk about the things we remember. Remember when Daddy did this, remember when Daddy did that. We were walking through Marshalls today, and Faith pointed out a shirt she thought you'd like and I thought about the fact that anyone listening to our conversations would never know you're dead. That is, until today when Caleb came into my room wanting to snuggle with someone for naptime and I told him he was already snuggling with you (he sleeps with your picture) and his response was "I want to snuggle with a real person." Sucker punch to the gut.

I was laughing to myself today thinking about how you hated when people suddenly started using the word 'season' to describe a temporary change in time. You thought it sounded too trendy. And so I struggled with the multi-purpose title of this post. A new season. But I can't stop thinking about it, wondering if this season will ever change for me. I know it's supposed to. Someday I'm supposed to be able to take a full breath and enjoy the smells of Autumn, to see the colors vibrant instead of gray. Someday I'm supposedly going to be able to look forward to Cider Mills and donuts and playing in the leaves with the kids instead of looking back and aching for yesterday. I'm stuck in winter, and fall seems so far away. I wonder at what point I'll look back and see this valley as that: a season. A temporary time of pain and despair. But 'a season without you' doesn't end, does it? I will forever be without you.

Caleb pretended to be magic today, and said his first trick would be to bring you out of ground and make you alive again. I may buy him a magic kit...

I miss you baby. I feel like I'm starting to not making any sense without you. Be with us this week as this new season starts. 
I love you with all my heart.


Sarah-Life is what you make it said...

been thinking lots about you lately, because november is coming. I love faiths hair cut, very cute!

Noelani said...

I pray that this season goes by as smoothly as it can for you, and your children.

Tamara Johnson said...

This breaks my heart. Saying "I'm sorry" a thousand times won't change anything for you but I can't stop myself from saying it again. This life makes no sense sometimes. My prayers are with you. I love you and your family.


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