Anytime I go out of town or keep busy for a certain amount of time or am doing something emotionally revolving around you, the day I come back home is always so difficult. I think it's because I don't want to come back to real life. I don't want to come back to an empty house or a day-to-day that feels meaningless. When I'm out traveling or visiting family or friends, I feel like I have purpose. Even if I'm there because of you, it distracts me or it pulls me closer to you and oddly comforts me.
I'm arriving at a dark place. I feel like all I want to do is make you proud but I'm failing miserably at it. I'm gaining weight because I just don't care and I go too long without thinking to eat, then eat like crazy. I have no affirmation at home, no one to be proud of the work I'm doing, no one to motivate me. I find myself snapping at the kids sometimes when my responsibilities get to be too much. I hate this. I want to get out - I want to break this cycle. I know I need to do it for myself but there was something about making you proud, watching your face that could make anything worth it.
My dark place has holes of light. I need to poke some more holes. I want to be happy again, I want to feel alive and be in a place of contentment, but I don't want to let go of my grief. Grief is where you are, and letting it go scares me and makes me feel like I'd be letting you go too. It would make me feel like I didn't love you enough, and Lord knows that's not the case. How can I can really find that happiness when I'm still in love with a dead guy?
Tonight, I feel full of questions without answers. Wish I knew where to go from here.
I miss you baby.
I love you forever and always.
-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died
DAY 10: Troublemakers
"My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it." -MARK TWAIN
Unless their halos glow more brightly than most, your children probably cause you a bit of trouble now and then. But whether they are difficult or delightful, appreciate them for who they are.