questions without answers

Anytime I go out of town or keep busy for a certain amount of time or am doing something emotionally revolving around you, the day I come back home is always so difficult. I think it's because I don't want to come back to real life. I don't want to come back to an empty house or a day-to-day that feels meaningless. When I'm out traveling or visiting family or friends, I feel like I have purpose. Even if I'm there because of you, it distracts me or it pulls me closer to you and oddly comforts me. 

I'm arriving at a dark place. I feel like all I want to do is make you proud but I'm failing miserably at it. I'm gaining weight because I just don't care and I go too long without thinking to eat, then eat like crazy. I have no affirmation at home, no one to be proud of the work I'm doing, no one to motivate me. I find myself snapping at the kids sometimes when my responsibilities get to be too much. I hate this. I want to get out - I want to break this cycle. I know I need to do it for myself but there was something about making you proud, watching your face that could make anything worth it.

My dark place has holes of light. I need to poke some more holes. I want to be happy again, I want to feel alive and be in a place of contentment, but I don't want to let go of my grief. Grief is where you are, and letting it go scares me and makes me feel like I'd be letting you go too. It would make me feel like I didn't love you enough, and Lord knows that's not the case. How can I can really find that happiness when I'm still in love with a dead guy?

Tonight, I feel full of questions without answers. Wish I knew where to go from here.

I miss you baby.
I love you forever and always.

-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died

DAY 10: Troublemakers
"My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it." -MARK TWAIN

Unless their halos glow more brightly than most, your children probably cause you a bit of trouble now and then. But whether they are difficult or delightful, appreciate them for who they are.


Vicki said...

XOXO. This getting easier certainly doesn't have to mean that you love him any less. Vee - I live for the day you can move forward without guilt. And guess what? We will all know that you still carry him in your heart! Forever! Love you, my friend. Your honesty and vulnerability are inspiring. Can't wait to do Cheesecake Factory with you this week! :)

Delaney said...

I am so proud of you! I am amazed when I read your words :) Keep going girl!

Jo Julia said...

I am at this point too. I don't understand how to stop grieving and keep loving. I see it from his eyes, me just living and laughing while he's died tragically. There must be an answer to this. We will find it! Press on dear one. And I also hear you about failing/snapping. I think we're too hard on ourselves. I know I am. It's OK- we'll do better. But I think the more pressure, the more, "stop doing this," the worse it'll get. Be kind to yourself. As he would, ESPECIALLY in this situation.

Desi said...

Vee, I know it may not mean much coming from a person in cyberspace, but I read your blog all the time, and really feel like I know you, and I AM PROUD OF YOU! Like, so proud. You seriously amaze me. I just want to give you all the affirmation you deserve. Because you really are doing the unthinkable and raising 3 beautiful children on your own. WE ARE ALL PROUD! You inspire me soooo much, more than my words on this screen can tell you. Please know!! I want you to poke some holes and let in the light, and no one will think you love Jer any less, you just need to be happy. We know you love him so much. You know, he knows. We just want you to move towards finding some kind of happiness. God, I hope that for you so badly.


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