I'm in a funk this week. I'm guessing it's because it's my birthday this weekend and it will be the last major day to get through before the one year mark. The sound of turns my stomach. I've been home alone sick all week too, so maybe that's contributing. Either way, I find myself pacing a lot more, crying over you a lot more, missing you a lot more than most days. We passed your white work truck by the barn at the college and it instantly hurt and brought tears to my eyes.
The kids always seem to sense these things. They have this new thing where they tell me they love me more than God. I tell them no way. Caleb will open his arms wide and say "God loves you this much." Then he'll reach them all the way behind him until his hands meet "But I love you this much." Wow. I know they can't out-love God but they come pretty close. If only we could all strive to out-love God.
Then the kids were talking about my birthday. Faith has been letting me choose her outfits this week, since it's my birthday, lol. She'll get a few things out and have me choose, it's quite funny. Or she'll tell me to decide where to eat cause I'm the birthday girl. They were telling me they were going to get me something special for my birthday and they were gonna make me something. I told them I was very excited to see what they make. Caleb said "I'm gonna make you something SO special, it will get your heart back together." I asked him what he meant and Faith chimed in "We know your heart is broken cause you miss Daddy."
How do they do it? How can their little hearts and minds seem so much more insightful than I could ever give them credit for? I make terrible mistakes every day, and they still love me. I am helpless, and sometimes checked out, unable to guide them like I should, and yet they find their way somehow. I know I'm blessed to have these wonderful children you've given me.
My heart really is still broken, babe. I would give anything to feel your hug tonight.
I miss you.
I love you always and forever.