I'm in a funk this week. I'm guessing it's because it's my birthday this weekend and it will be the last major day to get through before the one year mark. The sound of turns my stomach. I've been home alone sick all week too, so maybe that's contributing. Either way, I find myself pacing a lot more, crying over you a lot more, missing you a lot more than most days. We passed your white work truck by the barn at the college and it instantly hurt and brought tears to my eyes.

The kids always seem to sense these things. They have this new thing where they tell me they love me more than God. I tell them no way. Caleb will open his arms wide and say "God loves you this much." Then he'll reach them all the way behind him until his hands meet "But I love you this much." Wow. I know they can't out-love God but they come pretty close. If only we could all strive to out-love God.

Then the kids were talking about my birthday. Faith has been letting me choose her outfits this week, since it's my birthday, lol. She'll get a few things out and have me choose, it's quite funny. Or she'll tell me to decide where to eat cause I'm the birthday girl. They were telling me they were going to get me something special for my birthday and they were gonna make me something. I told them I was very excited to see what they make. Caleb said "I'm gonna make you something SO special, it will get your heart back together." I asked him what he meant and Faith chimed in "We know your heart is broken cause you miss Daddy." 

How do they do it? How can their little hearts and minds seem so much more insightful than I could ever give them credit for? I make terrible mistakes every day, and they still love me. I am helpless, and sometimes checked out, unable to guide them like I should, and yet they find their way somehow. I know I'm blessed to have these wonderful children you've given me.

My heart really is still broken, babe. I would give anything to feel your hug tonight.
I miss you.
I love you always and forever.


Amanda said...

I've followed your journey for a while now and I just have to chime in tonight to tell you that you have the sweetest kids ever. This post made my heart hurt. Sweet little guys. :)


Sarah-Life is what you make it said...

I love how Faith and Caleb always want to make you feel better. Such sweet kids.

Peggy Miller said...

I have never met you but yet I feel like I know you thru your blog. I know you mom and dad and my heart goes out to all of you for all that you have faced these last few months. You are such an amazing women. When you sing, it is so beautiful. Hearing you singing at Brians funeral just melted my heart. You were grieving for your brother and reliving your husbands loss, but the voice that came out of you was so wonderful. Reading your blog gives me the strength to just make it thru a normal day. You truly are an angel sent from heaven. You have the most amazing kids. You are allowed to get down, but please remember you are an insperation to so many people. There are so many people sending prayers to you and your family. You are loved and protected my many, even ones you don't even know. I hope you enjoy your birthday, as hard as it might be. You truly are a wonderful and amazing person. Hope to meet you someday.

In God's love,


Lindsay said...

you have some very special kids vee! i am so sorry about everything. i hope you have a good day today!

Desi said...

Happy early birthday to you, Vee! Your kids are too sweet, and like you said so insightful. They are trying to be strong for their mommy too. They understand so much for being so young. I know your heart is still broken and can't just be fixed so easily, but I'm glad you've got those little kiddos to try to put it back together :) Always here if you need anything.

agata said...

With all this love you have for your kids, I believe you will hardly screw them up. They are learning to be strong and resilient and that family and friends can get you through anything.

Prayers and hugs to you and yours.

Glenda said...

This post made my heart ache.

You are totally loved unconditionally by Faith and Caleb. That is unbelievable loving how Caleb loves you more than God and Faith knows your heart is broken :( They will always be right there beside you. I know! It will make your bond that much stronger.

When my father passed I was 13, and I was right there for my mom, till she passed in 2004. She always told me and my younger sister that we were her "strength". For "us" she kept pushing forward, and for that we will forever be grateful.

I always looked up to her. Always wanted to be like her. She made me a stronger women. Just watching her...my hero!

Peace & strength Vee

megan said...

love you.

kria said...

This post brings tears to my eyes. I love how perceptive kids are and how compassionate yours are for u. I'm sure they miss their dad but their love is so different but that they get your sad and comfort you, its sweet and amazing. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

I have never left a comment, but have been reading your blog for awhile. Tonight as I read your post, I had tears streaming down my face (as I do most nights). I too have young children and can't imagine them going through what your children have been forced to go through! As a mother, I can only imagine how it must hurt to know of their pain and yet continue to deal with the pain you yourself are going through. I wish...so badly that I could help make things better even though I don't know you! Please know that I along with MANY others are thinking of you and praying for you and your little ones daily! YOU are doing the best you can, and your children will be forever grateful! Wishing I could help....

kendra said...

vee,you really have some amazing kids! they know you have been through alot,as they have,but they want you to be happy..such sweet kids you have!! =) its amazing how *wise beyond their years* they are too...


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