One step forward, two steps back. That's how this is gonna go, isn't it? I've been so up and down lately, but felt like I was ready to just stop feeling sorry for myself and do something about finding some joy. And yet somehow I find myself sobbing at the end of the bed so violently that I wake up Faith. She comes and rocks with me until I settle down, then goes right back to bed. It's supposed to be the other way around, I'm such a mess.
I just can't believe this. How did I get here? I stood in the middle of my house and looked around in disbelief that you'd never seen it. It wasn't ours. It feels so lonely. I walk up the stairs to see Faith and Caleb sleeping on Faith's trundle - because they sleep together every night now - and I can't believe you haven't seen them in almost 10 months. They've grown so much. I can't believe you're never tucking them in again. I walk down the hall and check on Carter and I absolutely cannot believe that you've never met him, held him, tickled him, or talked about how much you hate changes his diapers. How is that possible?! This is our family we made together and you're missing it. I. HATE. THIS.
We took a picture today at the Renaissance Festival cause mom wanted to get her kids and grandkids all together. I looked at the picture a least a dozen times to check because I thought I was counting wrong or to see something appear that wasn't there. You're not in it. My brother is not in it. It doesn't look right. All those children, no fathers. Ugh, I feel sick.
I don't know how to get past this. How can I get it into my head that you're dead? When will it really sink in? Tonight, it just doesn't seem possible.
I miss you baby, so much so that the memory of your arms around me can make my shoulders tingle. I'm still holding on for you, I can hear you telling me to.
I love you with all that I am.