One step forward, two steps back. That's how this is gonna go, isn't it? I've been so up and down lately, but felt like I was ready to just stop feeling sorry for myself and do something about finding some joy. And yet somehow I find myself sobbing at the end of the bed so violently that I wake up Faith. She comes and rocks with me until I settle down, then goes right back to bed. It's supposed to be the other way around, I'm such a mess.

I just can't believe this. How did I get here? I stood in the middle of my house and looked around in disbelief that you'd never seen it. It wasn't ours. It feels so lonely. I walk up the stairs to see Faith and Caleb sleeping on Faith's trundle - because they sleep together every night now - and I can't believe you haven't seen them in almost 10 months. They've grown so much. I can't believe you're never tucking them in again. I walk down the hall and check on Carter and I absolutely cannot believe that you've never met him, held him, tickled him, or talked about how much you hate changes his diapers. How is that possible?! This is our family we made together and you're missing it. I. HATE. THIS.

We took a picture today at the Renaissance Festival cause mom wanted to get her kids and grandkids all together. I looked at the picture a least a dozen times to check because I thought I was counting wrong or to see something appear that wasn't there. You're not in it. My brother is not in it. It doesn't look right. All those children, no fathers. Ugh, I feel sick.

I don't know how to get past this. How can I get it into my head that you're dead? When will it really sink in? Tonight, it just doesn't seem possible.

I miss you baby, so much so that the memory of your arms around me can make my shoulders tingle. I'm still holding on for you, I can hear you telling me to.
I love you with all that I am.


Nicole said...

That little Caleb. His little hand holding the hands of Faith and your nephew. He's a comforter. A Protector. Jeremy lives so strongly through that little boy. He will take care of you forever and ever.
Continuing to pray for your healing heart.

Zookeeper Jess said...

Tears...just tears.

Prayers, always.

kkhk12 said...


I read your blog daily and love to hear about your adorable kids. I often want to comment, but I think "Do you really want to hear thoughts/advice from someone who hasn't been through anything near what you have been through?" Well, today I just want to send you some kind words and love.

I know this easy for me to say - but you really are going to be alright. I believe there will come a time when you will be happy again. I hope that when you do feel happy, you don't feel guilty about it. Jeremy would want you to be happy...he really would. I think that you know that he would want that for you. If you dig down deep, you also know how strong you are. How could you not be after EVERYTHING you have been through. You need to remind yourself positive things and accept credit for all of the wonderful things you are doing and have accomplished. You are a thoughtful, strong, sweet and beautiful person. You share so much though your many talents. You are an incredible mother and so lucky to have those gorgeous kids. I just know you are going to be so much more than ok. That doesn't mean you are not going to miss Jeremy and want him to be here. He is always going to be with you - ALWAYS! Just not physically here on Earth. You feel his presence and know he is watching over you and guiding you and loving you. You hear him speak and know he is protecting your babies.

I truly believe that you are going to have a beautiful life with your family - full of joy, laughter and lots of memories of this incredible husband and father. Just try allow yourself to feel the joy that you deserve.

I am sending many thoughts and prayers to you and your family. Wishing you just a tiny more happiness each day. You are amazing!

Sarah-Life is what you make it said...

this post breaksmy heart. I second that kkhk12 said. sometimes its hard for me to find the words so that I can comment because I have never been thru what you are going thru, prayers and big hugs.

Jo Julia said...

i think it's OK to take your time in processing and grieving. Yes, I've also had the one step forward, one back- "I'm going to stop being sad!" followed by sobbing.

This is sudden, and really- only a VERY, very short while ago. You don't have to have it all together or be "happy" yet just because you might start to feel that pressure from other well meaning people who have not experienced this kind of sudden, traumatic loss. It will take a long time- hunker down. Right now- just keep preserving your energy, and moving along steadily and slowly- surviving.

Anonymous said...

Thanks kkh12! Your words to vee were what I couldn't find
Sweet vee your doing just fine, hang in there! How could your sweet Jer be anything but proud!!

Katie said...

Life is absolutely an up-down, up-down struggle. Boy have you been through it. I think of you regularly, and am sending good vibes your way, girl. You're one kick-ass woman!


Related Posts with Thumbnails