a year you won't see

I missed you today.

The kids were good to me today and I feel the need to thank you for that. I took em to the mall to shop, play, walk around, and have lunch and they were great. I loved that I could feel them trying to make my birthday special, even at such a young age. They are my precious precious gifts.

When you died, I felt like my arm got cut off, the arm with my writing hand. I've learned how to function without it and even how to write with the other arm, but it never quite looks the same. And every now and again, I ache for my limb, and feel the pain of losing it so fresh that it sears pain into my shoulder. That's how I feel without you here. I don't know which is worse: knowing without a doubt when you were here that I'd never function without you, or finding out that I can and I have to. Okay, I know which is worse.

I didn't have a horrible day. I survived it and I'm thankful for the countless texts, emails, calls, and Facebook messages filled with love. It means so much to me. I know you were with me today, I felt your presence. Thanks baby, I needed that.

I miss you more than I can convey in words. Even though I'm saying goodbye to the age I was when you died, I'm sad to face a year where you won't live at all.

I love you always and forever.

-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died

DAY 2: Best Friend, Mother
"A mother's love is indeed the golden link that binds youth to age; and he is still but a child, however time may have furrowed his cheek, or silvered his brow, who can yet recall with a softened heart, the fond devotion, or the gentle chidings of the best friend that God ever gave us."


Rhonda said...

Dear Veronica,
A friend, Kim Hayes, send me a link to your blog. I know Kim from Camp Agape, many years ago. I lived in PA for 37 years and now live in WI. I was married for 16 years to a wonderful man and we had 2 sons together. He died 5 days before Christmas in 2003. A lot of what you mention in your postings seems so familiar to me. I really feel for you. I have since remarried another wonderful Christian man and we have 2 more boys together. My oldest son just left for Freed Hardeman again today and I won't see him until Thanksgiving. I'm feeling sad and miss my past a lot, even though I love my life now. If you ever need to "talk", feel free to contact me. rhondalynn67@gmail.com
Hang in there - it does get more bearable with the passing of time.

My Husband's Watching TV... said...

Happy birthday Vee! Hugs and prayers always.

Rachel said...

"a year you will miss" The first year after my brother died, I loved being able to say and think, "a year ago we did this together." After that year is over, and a new one begins, one without them in it...you feel they're farther from earth, from your memory. For the last five years, I cannot escape the thought that "my brother will never be "30", "my brother will never be 31", and every birthday is covered in sadness. My brother died on July 2 and my birthday is July 14 so the fact that they're close doesn't help. But thank God for my children and friends who sneak happiness in, where just for a moment, I focus on the good in my life. Those good moments DO come more often as the years go by and the sadness is what creeps in, not the other way around. Much love to you, I hope you had a happy moment and possibly even laughed out loud on your birthday.


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